Welcome idiots. Last week went well, both for the Buffalo Bills and my predictions. I’m pretty good at this looking into the future shit 💁♀️. I should open my own business. I’m sure people would pay good money…
Anyways, here are this week’s predictions. I was accused of not being chaotic enough last week, so be warned, I might trigger some folks here today. You asked for it.
1.) Ed Oliver won’t be missed
Now, I love Ed. In fact, my season predictions have him with the second most sacks on the Bills. But, with the emergence of Greg Rousseau, Von Miller, and even Boogie Basham, this D-Line is stacked. Heck, even the linebackers are showing out so far. Oliver not being in the lineup this week doesn’t bother or concern me in the slightest.
The Bills D will still sack Ryan Tannehill three times. They’re just that good, with or without Oliver.
2.) King Henry, more like Peasant Henry, amirite?
Derrick Henry is a serious threat on the ground. He’s a tank of a human and bulldozes as well as Hart turnstiles-es (it makes sense).
But this Buffalo Bills defence is stronger. Last season, they allowed Henry into their back yard once. Just one big run from, arguably, the best RB in the league. (A run that was aided by missed holding penalties.) But now, with Von on the line, the LBs — Edmunds specifically — don’t have all that responsibility on their plate. If, and it’s a big if, Henry gets past the line, Edmunds, Bernard, and Milano can (and) will wrap him up.
Bills Mafia, I implore you, don’t be afraid of Peasant Henry. He won’t get more than 50, yes FIFTY, rushing yards. Put money on it.
(I am told I need to put a disclaimer that Buffalo Fanatics is not liable should you lose your savings, home, family, and dignity if you make bets based on the information I provide here.)
3.) Isaiah McKenzie sits for Khalil Shakir
Guys, I love Lil Sexy, but his camp and preseason performance just didn’t translate onto the field…
McKenzie is the man and, so far, he’s proved it. Shakir will have to keep waiting to make his NFL debut. Especially with both Isaiah and Jamison Crowder in the mix. It’s unfortunate for the fourth round pick, but it gives him time to develop, which I am happy about.
McKenzie will be that gadget man again, with TWO touchdowns this week.
4.) #abandonthepunt crowd gains more traction
Pretty self explanatory, but we love the “No Punt Bills”. It’s much more entertaining and I know folks are seeing the bright side of no punts. Otto and I are gonna have to start selling merch.
5.) Singledaddy with a 100 yard game
You heard me. 100 rushing yards. Devin Singletary.
I believe so much in RB1 and have for a while. All you haters can suck it when he shows out this week. I like Zack Moss and James Cook in special roles, but my guy? THE guy.
His (likely) last season in Buffalo is going to be a great one. To kick off the home opener with a 100 yard game is the only way to start the season.
6.) Chaotic Trish will be on TV
I’ll be at that game and I’m gonna figure out a way to get on TV. So keep your eyes peeled Bills Mafia, I’ll show up on your screen.
Might just say “fuck it” and sprint out onto the field. That’ll probably be my only chance at seeing Tyler Bass in person.
7.) BILLS WIN
The Buffalo Bills are winning this home opener.
They’ll be up by three scores at the half and then just keep piling it on. I refuse to be at that game and watch the Bills lose, so they’re winning.
Featured Image: Trish Patel