What is up you non-British losers! Football season is just days away. Which means you are all just days away from witnessing my greatness. If you’re new here, here’s a little introduction. I love Tyler Bass and I am known for my (sometimes) very accurate Buffalo Bills game predictions. This year, I’m going one step further and making predictions for the season. So, take receipts people, it’s about to get chaotic.
Buffalo Bills Offensive Predictions
1.) Josh Allen: 4500+ passing yards, 43+ passing TDs, 8+ rushing TDs, 13 or less INTs, & 3+ hurdles.
The offensive line will actually do their job and protect Allen from being sacked more than 20 times. Let the MVP do his thing.
2.) Gabe Davis will lead Bills WRs with 1100+ receiving yards and 15+ TDs.
The guy has been putting in that work and I have full faith that he will make a gigantic leap this season and prove himself to be amongst the elite of NFL WRs.
3.) Devin Singletary leads the Bills ground game with 700+ rushing yards and 5+ rushing TDs.
I love the addition of James Cook, but this is Singletary’s (possible) final year with the Bills. He’s going out with a bang to give himself a shot in free agency. Plus, it’s a Super Bowl season, I don’t see the Bills wanting to lead the ground game with a rookie…
4.) Reggie Gilliam officially becomes a TE.
5.) They will finally start doing well in the red zone, posting above 75% in RZPct.
The Buffalo Bills will finish the season with the number one offense in the league. I simply cannot point to a more well-adjusted offense than this one. Sure, there are plenty of other personnel that can rival the talent the Bills have, but the harmony that these guys have is unmatched.
Buffalo Bills Defensive Predictions
1.) The Bills defence will once again finish as the number one defence in the league.
They were great last season but, with these offseason acquisitions, they’ve somehow gotten a lot better. They’ll allow less than:
- 2,600 passing yards
- 1,500 rushing yards
- 13 passing TDs
- 15 rushing TDs
2.) The Bills pass rush eats this season.
Von Miller leads defence with 11+ sacks on the season, Ed Oliver comes in a close second with 9+ sacks. The Bills record a total of 40+ sacks this year. These boys are ready to EAT.
3.) Buffalo Ballhawks
Both Jordan Poyer and Micah Hyde have 5+ INTs each, with the rookie Kaiir Elam having 3+ INTs. Elam has proven to be super aggressive and I can’t wait to see what he does in White’s absence.
4.) Tremaine Edmunds earns his bag.
Tremaine Edmunds is currently playing on the final year of his contract. I can assure you that he’ll be signed on for at least four more years with the Bills. He’ll earn it at the conclusion of this season and all you Edmunds haters can suck it.
5.) They’ll kill in the red zone, allowing less than 40% RZPct.
No one is getting past this defensive wall. The Bills were pretty good last season, allowing just over 50% of RZ to end in a TD. I’m confident that they’ll make it even more difficult for opponents this year. That’s even if they allow them into the redzone in the first place.
6.) The defence will post at least four shutout games.
In today’s NFL it’s not easy to hold a team scoreless. But, last season the defence didn’t care about that had two shutout games. They were very fun. And now, they’ve got better. Who says they can’t have four shutout games?
Bills Special Teams Predictions
1.) Tyler Royce Bass will set the record for longest FG.
Simply because he’s a damn stud. For reference, Justin Tucker set the record last season with 66 yards. Piss easy for the #NFLsSwaggiestKicker. He will also hit all of his XP and at least 95% of his FGs.
2.) They will punt, on average, just twice a game.
I don’t like this. I would prefer they just #abandonthepunt. But unfortunately, I have no control over this.
3.) The Bills will allow less than 85 punt return yards and less than 650 kickoff return yards.
No one really cares about these stats, but it’s always fun to see opponents starting in less than favourable field position.
4.) Isaiah McKenzie will return at least one kick for a TD.
Lil Sexy will just get sexier.
The Buffalo Bills Season
Obviously, they’re winning the Super Bowl. Finally beating Tom Brady in what is, hopefully, his final NFL game ever. I can already taste the sweet, sweet revenge.
The Buffalo Bills will finish the season 15-2. A mighty stretch, I know, and highly improbable. But that’s what makes it chaotic. With this record, they’ll win the division, earn the top spot in the conference, and get that all important first round bye and home game. Don’t expect to feel the crushing weight of defeat much, if at all, this season. I give you all permission to be deliriously hopeful. Except you Gage, you can continue to be the cynical bitch you choose to be.
To commemorate the achievements of the team, this is who will end up on top:
Most Valuable Player: Josh Allen
I’m not even going to bother explaining.
Defensive Player of the Year: Greg Rousseau
After having an impressive rookie season, he’s since had the opportunity to learn under the wing of Von Miller AND Ed Oliver. I can’t see any reason why he won’t be a stud on this stacked Bills defence.
Offensive Player of the Year: Gabriel Davis
As I said above, he’s been on an upward trajectory since his rookie season, and now it’s his time to shine.
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Khalil Shakir
Not exactly a large amount of choice on the offensive side of the ball, but Shakir has been showing some really nice work all through the preseason and he’s also the punt returner, so I think will all he’s been tasked with, he’s going to do a heck of a job.
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Kaiir Elam
A huge responsibility for a rookie CB, but I think he can handle it. What we’ve seen from him so far in camp and in the preseason games; he’s gonna ball out!
Coach of the Year: Aaron Kromer
We all already know that McDermott is the shit. People cannot stop singing Ken Dorsey’s praises. Chad Hall has got that dawg in him. But the one gaping weakness on the Buffalo Bills team was the offensive line. Kromer has the ability to completely turn this around and I have full faith that he will, giving our Lord and Saviour Josh Allen the protection he needs.
NFL Full Season Record
I’ve never done this before, but spending time looking at rosters, coaching, stadiums, climate, etc., I have created a chart for each win-loss record of every team. There is an excellent chance this shits itself Week 1, but it will be well worth it.
Note: If you use this to aid your survivor league, I cannot be held responsible.
NFL Honours Predications
Finally, who wins those all-important awards across the league.
DPOY: Nick Bosa (SF)
He came back last season with a bang, racking up 15.5 sacks and a Pro Bowl nod. He did not miss a beat from his rookie year and will only get better this upcoming season.
OPOY: Justin Jefferson (MIN)
This isn’t an original thought, many are predicting this win and he’s sort of the obvious choice. A quality rookie season, followed by a stellar sophomore season. He’s got this in the bag.
DROY: Kayvon Thibodeaux (NYG)
I don’t really trust this Giants offense, despite really liking Danny Dimes, so the defence is going to have to step up. Thibodeaux is the most important piece of that.
OROY: George Pickens (PIT)
A great WR coming out of college and now catching from Mitch Trubisky? I like both of these guys and I think they can form a real good connection, especially with Pickens’ athleticism.
CPOY: Khalil Mack (LAC)
The Bears are a hot mess, but Mack made it less messy. After a season ending injury, Mack was fortunate enough to be traded to the Chargers. An already scary defence got scarier. He’s going to make an immediate impact on this rising team.
COTY: Sean McDermott (BUF)
He deserved this award two years ago, he deserved it last season, and I can assure you he’ll earn it this season. He has turned this beloved Bills team around and will finally get the recognition he’s worked so hard for.
MVP: Joshua Patrick Allen (BUF)
Trish is me. I am Trish.
1.) I will be making the final decision on Blue Cheese Sauce… You will not like the outcome.
I will be going to Buffalo for the first time, so I can FINALLY taste this blue cheese you all seem obsessed with. My decision will be final and no arguments will be allowed.
2.) Trish will spend over $200 on Bills merch when in Buffalo.
I have absolutely no impulse control. Please send help.
3.) Trish will SAY she’s staying up for primetime games but she will only make it through one.
I love my sleep, maybe even more than the Bills. I tried my best to stay up last season but I was knocked out by halftime most games. Don’t bet on the over here.
4.) Trish will drink over two bottles of rum by the end of the season.
I love rum and cokes. They’re my go to drinks, especially when watching football. If you’re a betting person, this is a winner.
5.) Trish will complain about the time difference at least 15 times over the course of the season.
Seriously, it’s so incredibly inconvenient. (This one doesn’t count.)
6.) Trish will tweet about her love of Tyler Bass at least three times a week, one of these times will be overtly sexual
Bass = ❤️🥵😍🔥😈🥰🤩🍆
KEEP. THE. RECEIPTS.
I am a future seer, and I won’t allow any disrespect. However, as I said at the start, please keep receipts. I’ll come back to this at the end of the season.
WARNING: Buffalo Fanatics are not liable for any emotional damage caused if you do choose to challenge Trish. If you’re that butthurt, go cry to your momma.
Featured Image: Trish Patel