The Underhill Report: Outrageous Week Two Predictions

Without further ado, let’s get ready to roll. Up next, that other team from New Jersey, and the Bills will head back to Metlife for the second straight week. Weird… I know.

Here are my weird, outrageous, and zany predictions for the Bills week two matchup against the Giants.

Saquon Barkley tasked with every offensive, defensive, and special teams snap all afternoon.

Without the slightest hint of talent on the Giants roster, Barkley is New York’s only hope. After an embarrassing week one rout to the Cowboys, why not throw your best all-around athlete on the field at all times? Put him in at defensive back or linebacker. You can’t convince me the regular Giants defenders would be exceptionally better than the second-year Penn State product.

Barkley is a football player. He’d figure it out. I’m challenging you Pat Shurmur. Put your best eleven on the field at all times. If you don’t, you will have lost my respect.

Eli Manning puts up Nathan Peterman-esque performance.

Some say the beginning of the end of Eli in New York has been occurring for years. Well, consider this the end of the end. Sunday is the perfect recipe for a disastrous swan-song for the veteran signal-caller.

Consider what the Bills did to Sam Darnold last week: 4 sacks, 175 passing yards, only 3.4 yards per pass, and the Jets went 7 for 17 on third-down.

Nothing has changed except now Buffalo is facing a worse team with a worse quarterback. Now what we didn’t see last week were the turnovers that have become so characteristic of this Bills secondary. Expect that to change this week with Eli Manning at the helm and a defense that is primed to breakout after an excellent start to the season.

No need for drama this week, Bills leave Metlife in rout.

While I love the excitement, it might be healthy for my heart to take a break this week. Just give me a blowout please.

Dion Dawkins relates win over Giants to boiling water.

“It just happens. You don’t even have to do anything. Just wait and the results are inevitable,” Dawkins says a week after his unique postgame comments about the Jets go viral. (If you’re confused watch it. It’s must-see stuff folks.)

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Dion Dawkins just gave the greatest answer to a question I’ve EVER HEARD.It involves trains, diesel engines, and mac&cheese #GoBills pic.twitter.com/1lOFcuv0hm

No need to stir that mac ‘n’ cheese up this Sunday.

Tre’Davious White won’t be targeted all Sunday.

The league is finally catching on that if you throw at twenty-seven, bad things will happen. The Giants will have done their homework. The Jets avoided him for the most part last week.

No worries though. That just means more picks for Jordan Poyer, Micah Hyde, and Levi Wallace.

Allen carves up weak Giants defense for a career-best 400 yard passing day.

Yeah, I said it. I’m getting dangerously cocky on this week’s edition of The Underhill Report. (Fault me for falling victim to week one overreactions.)

However, I’ll stand by my word!

This is the match-up where Josh Allen explodes onto the national scene. I hope Brian Daboll continues his pass-heavy scheme that he used for the first-half against the Jets. If it wasn’t for the turnovers, that approach was working wonders!

John Brown will pick up where he left off, continuing to stretch the defense deep. Meanwhile, Cole Beasley will provide that mid-range option and be Allen’s security blanket. The sky’s the limit.

Bills fans wake up Monday morning drinking “The Process” Kool-Aid at an all-time high

I’ll continue my theme of unwarranted overconfidence mostly because it’s just really fun. We’re 1-0 folks! Enjoy it while it lasts! Anyway, realism bores me incredibly.

So, Josh Allen is going to look like a God, Sean McDermott is the next Messiah, and Brandon Beane is just a guy who looks really cool in sunglasses. The “process” juices will be flowing through the bloodstream of every man, woman, and child in and around the Western New York area.

Sean McDermott’s nipples attempt daring escape, burst through skin-tight shirt mid-game

I consider this my most realistic prediction in this week’s edition. Guys, is there a harder working collection of shirts in Buffalo than Sean McDermott’s wardrobe? The man has never been shy about hiding his pectoral muscles, especially on game-days. Honestly, he should just decide to ditch the shirt all-together. It would make himself more at home with Bills Mafia.

Week 2 confidence index: 11/10 broken folding tables