The Underhill Report: Outrageous Week Three Predictions

As Bill Belichick once said, it’s on to Cincinnati. Welcome to 2-0. Welcome to the home opener. It’s time to prepare yourself for some potential wacky events that could transpire Sunday afternoon at Orchard Park.

This is your weekly outrageous predictions report. Without further ado, let’s roll!

The Red Rifle picks up where he left off, throws for 400 yards.

Take a guess a who’s second in the NFL in passing yards through two weeks. Deshaun Watson? Aaron Rodgers? Maybe Tom Brady? Nope. It’s Andy Dalton, “the Red Rifle” himself. He’s only behind Patrick Mahomes for the top spot.

With a horrific offensive line and the loss of AJ Green, one would think Dalton would struggle. Yet the Bengals have actually done a pretty good job passing the ball downfield so far despite their 0-2 record. I would be surprised to see that trend continue against the Bills secondary, but Cincinnati has some speedy outside threats like John Ross to keep an eye on.

As Buffalo learned two years ago when Cincinnati stunned Baltimore to send the Bills to the playoffs, don’t put anything past Dalton.

Home opener hype results in multiple dildos thrown on field.

Vegas has the Over/Under line for this one at 1.5 sex toys. If you’re smart take the over. This is a no-brainer.

Cincinnati’s defense draws comparisons to city’s chili: both appear to be hot mess.

The Bengals surrendered 41 points at home last week to the Jimmy Garoppolo-led 49ers. They let no-name running backs Matt Brieda and Raheem Mostert break them down all afternoon long. San Francisco’s offense was great, but I think last week’s story-line was more about the futility of Cincinnati’s defense. (Do you miss Vontaze Burfict yet Bengals fans?)

With week three looming, Cincinnati will have to fix everything quickly. Expect Josh Allen to have a monster day passing and running the football.

P.S. I actually love Cincinnati chili so don’t attack me Bengals fans.

Andy Dalton gets another standing ovation in second trip back to Orchard Park since playoff miracle.

Buffalo has not forgotten. The first ovation occurred before the start of a preseason game last year. That was great, but the regular season just means more. After an exciting 2-0 start for Bills Mafia, fans will be hyped up and ready to show their respect. I wouldn’t expect anything less from the Buffalo community.

Drought. Broken.

The ghost of Marvin Lewis returns to stifle Bengals performance.

When you keep the king of mediocre around your organization for long enough, you won’t be able to get rid of him. He may be gone, but there will be a curse hanging over the Bengals until the end of time. Good luck Cincy, you’re gonna need it.

John “Smokey” Brown and John Ross each catch 70+ yard touchdowns.

Two guys with incredible speed that can take the top off any defense. Ross has exploded onto the scene so far through two games after a couple of disappointing seasons in Cincy. I want to see some fireworks, and both of these wide receivers are the deep threats to do it. I’d say Smokey is more likely to pull one off given that he has Josh “rocket arm” Allen slinging it.

Vontae Davis spotted disguised as Bengals fan in crowd.

We just passed the one-year anniversary of one of the most infamous moments in recent Bills history. Unfortunately, it’s not a moment most of us Bills fans would like to be reminded of.

Davis’s halftime retirement put a stain on this organization and gave pundits a running joke for the rest of the 2018 season. It was ugly, embarrassing, and downright disgraceful on the part of Vontae.

Honestly, if this dude wanted to retire in Buffalo, he probably would’ve had to apply for the witness protection program. Just writing this prediction puts a sour taste in my mouth. He’s definitely on Bills Mafia’s Mt. Rushmore of disgust. That includes Nate Peterman, wings without bleu cheese, and Belichick’s evil empire.

No one:

Vontae Davis at halftime:

Bills defensive line earns new moniker as the “swat team”

Am I the only one who’s noticed a lot of batted balls at the line of scrimmage through the first two weeks? Eddie Oliver and Shaq Lawson have been especially adept at getting their hands up and deflecting passes. That speaks to the pressure the front four have been able to get on the quarterback. Jerry Hughes and co. have been intercepting passing lanes skillfully. It should continue as the Buffalo defense prepares to face a banged-up Bengals offensive line.

Josh Allen holds firm to postgame statement that Bills are the only team from Cincinnati.

Kings of New York. Check. But why stop there? Let’s start colonizing the NFL like the British Empire. All hail the King of the North, Josh Allen himself!