The Underhill Report: Outrageous Week 1 Predictions

What can we expect to see this weekend when it’s all said and done? Here’s just a glimpse of some of my bold and outrageous predictions for your football-filled afternoon that will DEFINITELY happen.

Ed Oliver introduces himself with two sack + forced fumble performance

The rookie first-rounder has been making waves throughout training camp and in the preseason. I expect the hype and talent to live up to the billing. Paired with Jerry Hughes off the edge, Sam Darnold will wake up with nightmares Monday morning.

Adam Gase overdoses on smelling salts pregame

Does anyone remember the scene from Any Given Sunday where the player’s eyeballs pop out onto the field? If not, check it out here (not for the faint of heart). Anyway, I feel like that could happen to Gase at any moment. We also learned recently that the Jets head coach has a thing for… smelling salts (see gif). Yeah, seriously. Now I’m no doctor, but I’ve been watching a lot of Mindhunter recently so I think I can identify a serial killer when I see one.

He’s gonna need some way to relieve his anxiety ahead of his first game coaching the Jets. All the anticipation, football hype, and a healthy supply of smelling salts could prove to be a dangerous combination. Which unlucky coaching staff member will find Gase face-down in his playbook?

Gore and Motor will make Buffalo forget about Shady

Frank Gore and Devin Singletary made LeSean McCoy expendable this season. Just think about that. I am talking about the same LeSean McCoy that rushed for back-to-back 1000 yard campaigns in 2016 and 2017. If that doesn’t show you the kind of confidence that this regime has in Buffalo’s new thunder and lightning duo, I don’t know what will.

I expect these dudes to impress behind a revamped and vastly improved Bills offensive line this Sunday. When Bills fans walk out of Metlife stadium on Sunday, they’ll be talking about Motor as the new LeSean McCoy.

Jamal Adams tries to tackle Buffalo mascot, injures himself

You may remember last year’s Pro Bowl when Jamal Adams performed a ridiculous and idiotic stunt of tackling the poor middle-aged man in the Patriots mascot costume. That man had to be sent to the hospital.

Well, I have a feeling karma’s about to bite Adams back. If Adams tries to lean in for round two of his beef against mascots, there’s no way Billy Buffalo is taking the beating that Pat Patriot did.

Allen and Darnold duel in offensive shootout with each passing for 3 TDS

I think we are about to see a big step forward from each starting quarterback as they both enter their second season in the league. Both the Bills and Jets have improved their building blocks surrounding the young signal-callers and primed both for success.

Tell me if I’m getting ahead of myself, but Sunday could be the beginning of the next great quarterback rivalry in this league.

LeVeon Bell starts new holdout amidst disappearance of old Pittsburgh offensive line

Listen, I am most definitely off the LeVeon Bell train this season. When is the last time he has played meaningful football? It’s been two years! That’s an eternity in the NFL, especially for running backs whose careers max out at eight to ten seasons (exception: Frank Gore, a.k.a., The Inconvenient Truth).

On top of that, there is a world of difference between playing on the Pittsburgh Steelers offense and the New York Jets offense. The Jets will not be able to create the same creases and holes that Bell thrived in during his Pittsburgh tenure.

I expect the stout Buffalo defense to swallow him up Sunday afternoon. Bell will be left soul-searching trying to call his old offensive coordinator Todd Haley from the sideline.

Poyer and Hyde clown Jamal Adams with a drastically better secondary performance

For as much as the league overlooks the Buffalo safety duo, the NFL will be forced to take notice on Sunday when Poyer and Hyde ball out in the face of the Jets defensive primadonna. Expect interceptions, forced fumbles, and just the reliable ball-hawking secondary we’ve come to get used to.

Sunday will hopefully make this script right. Jamal Adams = overrated. Micah Hyde + Jordan Poyer = underrated.

CJ Mosley gives Anthony Barr call postgame asking for advice on how the hell he managed to escape

After Josh Allen and co. light up the New York defense Sunday afternoon, the Jets big-time free agent signing will be envying his once-thought-to-be teammate Anthony Barr, a.k.a the one that got away.

Barr famously eluded the Jets organization this March just 24 hours after declaring his intention to sign with the team. He reportedly felt physically ill after making his decision to join the Jets, a symptom felt commonly by most Jet fans deciding to watch their team on a Sunday afternoon.

Sean McDermott’s hands fall off after an impressive clapping performance

It’s September. Those palms are not going to be in mid-season form. Expect a lot of rest, rehabilitation, and recovery for those clapping muscles to be ready by week 2.

Week 1 Confidence index: 9.5/10 broken folding tables