The Underhill Report: Outrageous Week 1 Predictions

It feels like I start every one of these columns trying to get Bills Mafia excited about football’s return. Well, I’d be completely foolish if I thought I had to do the same this week. The week before the season’s kickoff might be the best week of them all. The drug of anticipation is all I need to satisfy my cravings.

It’s absolutely thrilling. The Bills kickoff against the Jets in a matter of days. Serotonin levels in my brain are going to peak at 12:59 pm Sunday afternoon. No drug in the world could recreate the full-body experience I will go through when the game starts (OK, maybe some sort of narcotic).

What opponent could be better to start off against than the filthy New Jersey Jets? Without further ado, here are my wild predictions for football Sunday in Orchard Park:

Josh Allen consoles a distraught Sam Darnold in the locker room before kickoff

As awkward as it might be for Bills Mafia to admit, Allen and Darnold have a kindred friendship. The two went through the draft process together and became the best of buds. Despite being drafted to division rivals, they still have a special relationship with one another. Over two years, the Bills surrounded Allen with talent and protection, while the Jets took a separate, more unique route. The Jets decided their best bet was to suck for as long as they could and leave Darnold like a fish out of water. Bold strategy, (I know.) but the Jets seem determined to stick with their plan.

Who knows whether battering Darnold physically, mentally, and emotionally will work out in the long run, but he’ll surely be a broken shell of a man sooner than later if the trend continues.

On top of that, it’s tough to see your friend succeed at the highest level. Meanwhile, your franchise is practically steamrolling your dead corpse over a new highway in Hoboken, NJ.

Sam is close to reaching his breaking point, and when he sees Josh in the tunnel pregame that will set him off. He’ll run over to his best pal looking for a shoulder to cry on.

Adam Gase forfeits pregame

I think a good way to represent the Bills and Jets offseasons would be with a weighted pendulum. Every time Buffalo’s offseason seemed to get better, the Jets offseason seemed to get worse. It seems to balance out. Just when you thought the Jets couldn’t get worse and the Bills couldn’t get better, something insane would happen to the Jets (i.e. Jamal Adams traded) and something fortunate would happen to the Bills (i.e. Tre White extended).

Adam Gase said there is a chance Denzel Mims lands on the injured reserve. He will talk to Joe Douglas about that. #Jets

— Connor Hughes (@Connor_J_Hughes) September 11, 2020

There’s only so much drudgery an organization and head coach can take before he decides to throw in the towel. Gase would be smart to cut his losses and move on to week two. Everything is pointing towards a complete blowout and embarrassment for the Jets organization.

Buffalo drops a 50 burger on New York’s head

The Bills offense should score at least 30 points on Sunday afternoon, but why not aim higher? When you consider the talent on that side of the ball, this might be the best Bills offense in 20 years. Diggs, Brown, and Beasley are going against no-name Jets corners like Pierre Desir and Blessuan Austin. Josh Allen should feast in the passing attack.

This game has the potential implications of being strikingly similar to last year’s Ravens-Dolphins week one match-up. Baltimore flew out of the gates early in a ridiculous 59-10 victory. What happened from there? The Ravens never looked back all season long and earned the number one seed in the AFC. On the other hand, Miami plummeted and found themselves in the basement of the league for the rest of the season.

The @Ravens first half 40-burger in Miami against the #Dolphins is the first such half in Week One history. #NFL100

— Rich Eisen (@richeisen) September 8, 2019

Sunday’s 1 pm kickoff has the potential to launch the Bills and Jets in complete opposite trajectories. A resounding Buffalo victory could put the club in Super Bowl contention conversations. A deflating Jets performance could have the conversation centered around “worst team in the league”.

WR1 Breshard Perriman torches Tre’davious White all afternoon

LOL, not gonna happen… the former first-round bust will have better luck fixing Adam Gase’s smelling salts addiction.

Maxwell Underhill is a contributor for BuffaloFanatics, blog writer for the in-season “Outrageous Predictions” column, and co-host of the “Bills Overdue” vidcast streaming every Saturday at 6pm ET on Facebook, YouTube, and Periscope.