The Underhill Report: Outrageous Turkey Day Predictions

I’m here to tell you the Buffalo Bills are Super Bowl contenders and our process will be on full display nationwide at the dinner table. McDermott better pack the greens. The beans. The potatoes. The tomatoes. The gravy. The ham. And the bird. ‘Cause our boys will be FEASTING in Dallas.

We’ve found ourselves in unusual circumstances for our track record over the last two decades. Eight and three and it feels too good to be true. I keep waiting for the real letdown game and it doesn’t happen. Some fans say it was the Eagles game, but it’s not like Philly is a terrible football team.

The Browns loss may have been disappointing, but it was not embarrassing or lopsided. We were one overturned lateral away from a statement victory on the road. Who knows what would’ve happened if Haushka netted that field goal. My money’s on another Joshy Allen game-winning drive.

As with everything in life, let’s make sure to keep things in perspective, Bills Mafia. What else could you really ask for? Where else would you rather be than right here… right now?! (Shoutout Marv Levy)

Alright, what’s going down in Big D? Without further ado, let’s roll!

Quinton Spain eats a Thanksgiving breakfast on game-day

I imagine big boy Quinton Spain doesn’t mess around on Turkey Day. Give that man an entire bird to himself. White meat? Dark meat? Doesn’t matter to him, he’ll eat it all. How else is the 335-pounder supposed to fuel up the tank?

Listen, we here at Buffalo Fanatics do not fat shame. That man is an athlete, and I certainly would hate to make enemies with someone of his stature. We support all you hefty boys out there.

Jason Garrett does enough to improve his Cowboys fan approval rating to above 1%

If Jason Garrett were a public official running for office in the state of Texas right now, I can’t be certain he would receive a single vote. After the ‘Boys disappointing loss to the Patriots, there is no one more unpopular than the Dallas head coach. A true king of mediocrity, it feels like Garrett has been on the hot seat for the past 10 years. Call it consistency or stubbornness, but owner Jerry Jones has always seemed to be adamant about his support for Garrett.

That said, I think Garrett will make at least one or two good coaching decisions compared to only a dozen or so bad ones this week. That should be enough for a handful of the most forgiving Dallas fans to show support for him on Twitter. The other 98% will still be at his throat on the internet.

Jerry Jones’ Dak stock drops yet again

Dak Prescott has made it very clear he wants to get paid the bag. How much you ask? Nearly $40 million annually (!!). If you think that’s a bit steep, you’re not alone. Even owner Jerry Jones, who hands out huge player contracts like it’s chump change, is reluctant to give in to Prescott’s contract demands.

It’s been up-and-down for Dak all season long, putting up monster performances many weeks, but also laying eggs in disappointing efforts. The trend has been Prescott’s inability to show up against big-time defenses.

So what makes you think Dak is gonna light it up on this Bills unit?

CBS brings back Turkey Leg Award and Joshua Patrick Allen demolishes it

After long hours of excruciating research (Nah, just like 5 minutes lol), I found out to my disappointment that CBS no longer does any sort of postgame Thanksgiving-themed awards. When Phil Simms was still in the booth, the broadcasters handed out something called the All-Iron award. When Tony Romo took over I guess the tradition never carried on. Needless to say, I am heartbroken.

I had visions of Josh Allen being handed a turkey leg on national television and chowing down for all of the nation’s viewing pleasure. Alas, we cannot give up hope. There is still time to make this right CBS. Do not mess this up. The clock is ticking.

Tre White shines under the bright lights, talked about as best CB in league nationally

This will officially be Tre’Davious White’s national coming-out party. No longer will his name just be known across the Western New York football landscape. He will be impossible to ignore.

Talk about a tough test for Amari Cooper in back-to-back weeks. The Dallas WR1 got blanketed all evening long in New England, finishing without a reception. Now on a short week, he has to handle the shadow coverage of White, who’s coming off arguably his best performance of the year against the Broncos’ Courtland Sutton.

Buffalo heart attack rates skyrocket Thursday evening

Buffalo’s emergency response should be on high alert this Thanksgiving. Not only will Buffalonians near and far be digesting their heavy meal leaving them in a food coma, but football fans will be experiencing the stress of watching the Bills. That could be a potent combination for a heart attack.

I’m no medical expert, but please be warned.

Turkey Day confidence index: 10/10 broken folding tables