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The Underhill Report: Outrageous Buffalo Bills vs. New England Patriots Observations and Predictions



Merry Christmas and happy holidays Bills Mafia! It’s obviously a particularly special season this year for the most deserving fan base in football.

As history taught us throughout the 21st century, the holiday season in Western New York was reserved for lamenting a disappointing year for the Buffalo Bills franchise. As families gathered around the Christmas tree, you could spark conversation with your uncle about their thoughts on the lowly quarterback situation or when the head coach (Gregg Williams, Dick Jauron, Rex Ryan, etc.) should be fired.

Times have changed. So, cheers to the new AFC East champions and their incredible supporters. I hope you all unwrap a Josh Allen bobblehead (or BuffaloFanatics merch) under the tree today.

Without further ado, here are my outrageous observations and predictions for Patriots week:

The Bills have created bad omens by waiving Jake “Touchdown Jesus” Kumerow on Christmas Eve

This league can be ruthless. One week after wide receiver Jake Kumerow caught his first ball in a Buffalo Bills uniform for a 22-yard touchdown against the Broncos, he was released from the team Thursday.

Jake “Jesus” Kumerow (@whitewaterjesus) | Twitter

Kumerow’s nickname he earned in Green Bay is “Touchdown Jesus”, and I’d say he lived up to that reputation with Buffalo. How many other players can you name where ALL of their team receptions went for touchdowns? Jesus shot 100% from the field with the Bills in that respect, arguably more impressive than his claims of walking on water or changing water into wine.

So, is general manager Brandon Beane a Satanist? Why else would he release Jesus one day before his birthday? And don’t tell me that it was because John Brown is close to being activated from the IR. When you have a football player on your roster with the reputation of the Son of God, you find a way to keep him on your roster.

Jordan Poyer decides to pay homage to the Boston Massacre by absolutely lighting up Cam Newton

Safe to say Jordan Poyer will have an extra chip on his shoulder Monday night after being snubbed from the Pro Bowl. NFL Insider, Rachel Bush, reported that Poyer has not been rattled by the news and is “too humble” to care.

That’s all good to hear, but I want my superstar safety pissed off so he murder some Patriots. I predict Cam Newton, a man who plays quarterback with the throwing mechanics of a high school junior varsity Josh Allen, will be at the receiving end of the punishment.

By the way, if any Bills fans out there are worried about Cam Newton (there shouldn’t be), take a look at these season stats.

30 passing TDs to 5 passing TDs… say no more.

NOTE: Reading experience of the following paragraph will be enhanced if you read in an ear-piercing Boston accent. In your head of course, unless you want to irritate your family (always a viable option).

Salty Pats fans call for Bill Belichick’s head after crushing loss

Boston’s been the self-proclaimed “city of champions” for so long that a nuclear situation could be developing among Pats nation. If you live in the Boston-area and want to get some joy out of your life, tune into WEEI Radio on your way to Mahket Bahsket (normal people: read as “Market Basket”) and listen to the insanely pompous Patriots pundits go ballistic on the organization for a mediocre season. It will never fail to make me smile. Go Bills. And fahck the Pats.

Maxwell Underhill (twitter: @cincodemaxo) is a contributor for BuffaloFanatics, blog writer for the in-season “Outrageous Predictions” column, and co-host of the “Buff Bootleg” vidcast streaming every Saturday at 6pm ET on Facebook, YouTube, and Periscope.