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The Underhill Report: A FitzMagic-less Finale + The Belichick Empire is Deader Than Dead



The time has come to “Squish thy Fish” for the Buffalo Bills. Seafood is on the menu this week in Western New York. The AFC East Champion Buffalo Bills (God, that feels good to say!) welcome the Miami Dolphins to Orchard Park in the regular-season finale Sunday.

There’s a lot more riding on this matchup for Buffalo’s division rival than McDermott’s group this week. With five 10-5 teams in the AFC battling it out for only four playoff spots, a Dolphins loss could be catastrophic for Miami’s postseason hopes.

On the other hand, the Bills are in a much more comfortable spot, holding steady to the No. 2 seed in the AFC playoff picture. A win would secure them that seeding, and, more importantly, two potential home playoff games on the path to the Super Bowl. But the Bills could still remain No. 2 even if they lost to Miami. That scenario would rely upon Pittsburgh dropping their regular season finale to Cleveland, a game in which the Browns desperately need and the Steelers are starting Mason Rudolph at QB.

Things are looking good for the Bills, all things considered. Without further ado, here are my outrageous predictions for your football Sunday:

Coronavirus-stricken Ryan Fitzpatrick starts at QB for the Dolphins in a specially-approved oxygen mask

The football gods were especially cruel this week when they struck down all-world journeyman quarterback and unofficial league mascot Ryan Fitzpatrick with the rona. The stars were aligning for another fairy-tale ending in the latest chapter of the Fitz-magic saga. How great would it be to see the former Bills legend suit up against the first team that gave him a shot and try to will his squad to the playoffs?

This is especially true after his Houdini-act of a throw last week against the Raiders in crunch-time. I’m going to consider this God’s last cruel act of 2020. No Fitzpatrick is a damn tragedy.

The last remaining cold, huddled masses of Patriots fans burn final Brady jerseys in congregation behind New England’s last standing Dunkin’ Donuts

As a New Englander, born and raised, I can tell you the rumors are true. The region has collapsed into a dystopian wasteland along with the football franchise’s hopes and dreams. The first battle shots rang out after Stefon Diggs’ first touchdown Monday night. From there, the beast of war enveloped the whole region. Sides quickly developed into two main contingents: the “Patriots” and the “Loyalists”. The Patriots were the group of New England fans that had grown tired of colonial rule from Emperor Belichick. They yearned for a new fanbase to plant their flag and start anew. A “land of opportunity” their supporters called it.

They trekked out west with their bandwagon, claiming it was their manifest destiny. They settled down in growing NFL cities such as Cleveland, Green Bay, Kansas City, and some as far west as Seattle. They wanted no part of their former life and tried to hide their past.

On the other side were the Loyalists, a group of New England fans still rooted in their honor to Emperor Belichick and Sir Newton. They felt it was still their homeland, and they were duty-bound to protect it. However, the Loyalists soon realized they were becoming the minority as more and more members jumped ship to join the revolution.

The Loyalists held out faith in Emperor Belichick’s ability to develop a worthy Hand of the Emperor to succeed Sir Newton. Newton was not regarded as popular amongst the townspeople, particularly for his curious wardrobe choices as a member of royalty.

Anyone rational could see that the gawky stable-boy Stidham had no real potential for nobility, but the Loyalists insisted that he would blossom in due time.

The dwindling Loyalist group is in a fight for its life behind Park Avenue’s Dunkin’. Only mediocre medium-roast coffee and heat from the Tom Brady Super Bowl LI Collector’s Edition Jersey can save them now.

Maxwell Underhill (twitter: @cincodemaxo) is a contributor for BuffaloFanatics, blog writer for the in-season “Outrageous Predictions” column, and co-host of the “Buff Bootleg” vidcast streaming every Saturday at 6pm ET on Facebook, YouTube, and Periscope.