Welcome to the first edition of The Lowlight, where I, Jeramy, highlight players who are not playing up to expectations. And I’m not doing this to build them up and talk about what people are missing or even make excuses for them. No. I’m here to discuss their poor play further and perhaps pile even more shit on them. Why? Doing so made AJ Klein play better. So, perhaps bullying works.
Note: I am a teacher and in NO WAY am I advocating for bullying. This is a joke. If you don’t understand humor and are a boring person, please visit this site to find more people like you.
Brian Winters Wishes He Was Injured
Brian Winters was signed by the Buffalo Bills after being released from the New Jersey Jets after an injury-riddled season. Sean McDermott, who values diverse lineman like he does chest day at the gym, decided to completely go against his values and sign Winters who ONLY plays right guard and only plays it terribly. Many of us were told that a healthy Winters could return to form, but that has not been the case. “Before, when I played bad, I could blame it on an injury,” said Winters. “I keep hoping I can sustain another one, so I can say that’s why I’m not playing well. But it’s just me.” Sean McDermott may have finally realized his mistake (MANY games after fans have), as he benched Winters during their game against the 49ers on an Arizona field that is more cratered than Mercury.
Cam Newton Admits That Not Even His Wardrobe Distracts Him From His Poor Play Nowadays
Cameron Valerie Newton: 2011 first overall draft pick. Offensive Rookie of the Year. 2015 MVP. Possible cross-dresser. All of these are in the past (except the last one). After his 2018 and 2019 seasons ended prematurely due to injury, the Panthers thanked Cam for his service and parted ways with him…in that order. The Panthers seriously told everyone that they were letting Cam go before they actually let him go. Anyway, Cam got to work and started posting hype videos showing what appeared to be a healthy Cam Newton. Something we haven’t seen since I don’t know when because I don’t care to look it up.
After a couple of months on the market, Cam was signed by the Patriots for pennies…105 million pennies. He won the starting job from Jarrett Stidham (because he sucks) and started off the season RED HOT with 714 passing yards, 2 TDs, and 2 INTS. Wait…that’s not that great. People were saying he was looking like his old MVP self but those stats are kinda average. Oh yeah, he also had 149 rushing yards and 4 TDs, which is impressive for a quarterback as long as their name isn’t Josh Allen. Cam then went on a five-game stretch where he tallied 679 passing yards (136 ypg) and 5 INTs. In those 5 games, he had the same amount of passing touchdowns as undrafted wide receiver Jakobi Meyers (one).
How about his rushing stats, though? Who cares, because the national media has seemed to have fallen off the hype bus. Or train. Or canoe. Even Cam Newton, who looks like the love-child of Ms. Doubtfire and Steve Urkel, has said that even his wardrobe can no longer distract him from his poor play like it used to. “After a bad game,” says Newton, “I used to be able to walk into my three-bedroom closet or shop the women’s section of a Louis Vuitton to take my mind off it. But now those things don’t seem to work anymore.” Cam Newton has looked better after back-to-back wins against the Cardinals and Chargers where he totaled 153 passing yards (76.5 ypg), 1 TD, and 2 INTs… I’m sorry, those are still not good. Fuck his rushing stats. He just runs and falls. He doesn’t even slide. Anyway…
Brian Flores Protects Baby Tua From Football
Many will say that Tua doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in this article. The rookie quarterback recently had a bounceback game against the Cincinnati Bengals and a quarterback nobody cares about. But it was poor play that gave Tua the opportunity. After a rough outing against the Denver Broncos (back when they had healthy quarterbacks), head coach Brian Flores benched Tua for veteran Ryan Fitzpatrick. “I just didn’t want our rookie quarterback to face too many challenges yet,” said Flores. “I want him to continue thinking that professional football is easy.” Tagavailoa missed the following game due to an “ouchie on his thumb”, but Brian Flores has stated that it has been kissed and healed.
And Lastly…The Jets
They just suck. The team. The coaches. Everyone*. Did you see how they lost to the Raiders? [laughs hysterically] They had the game won! [laughs hysterically] Gregg Williams made one of the worst defensive calls in history! [laughs hysterically] What an idiot! [laughs hysterically].
*Not everyone. Mims and Becton are pretty good.
Jeramy Allen is a contributor for Buffalo Fanatics. He co-hosts Bills Overdue vidcast every Saturday with Max Underhill who writes the weekly Outrageous Predictions column. You can follow them both @BFF_Jeramy and @cincodemaxo on Twitter.