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The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Would You Rather

It’s time again for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! Thanks for all the great questions, everybody! This week’s theme: Would you rather. Before answering any questions this week, I stayed up late drinking liquor above Rick’s Cafe American and waited to be joined by my one true lost love. I pined over her to my dearest friend, Sam, but when the moment came, when I saw that glowing face, I said to myself, “Of all the Bills Backers Bars in all the cities in all the world, she walks into mine.” It was in that instant that I realized she was just another dame. #GoBills



This isn’t your average mailbag. This is is the mailbag for the Bills fans that sign petitions to get Christian Wade on the final 53! This is for the men and women that wear their good Zubaz pants to interviews and formal occasions. This is for those of you that miss their old Doug Flutie jersey their ex threw out a decade ago. This is the beef on weck of mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@ChistianLasal asks, “Would you rather dip your wings in ranch or eat avocado ice cream with Tom Brady?”

Well, I’m not dipping my wings in ranch, so …

I guess it’s a night out of wild partying over avocado ice cream with my douchy bro, Tom Brady. Ooh! What if I tell him it’s avocado ice cream, but in reality, I will have told a falsehood for, verily, the ice cream would be full fat regular ice cream!!! What do you think he’d do?

@Kman_101 asks, “Would you rather have a huge chest tattoo of Doug Marrone’s face?
Have to wear an Aaron Maybin jersey to all the home games and sit in the endzone wearing a hat that says, “I hate Polish People’?”

Well, I love Polish people, so not that one. How can you hate a group of people that invented the Pączki? You can’t. It’s impossible.

Listen, sometimes in life, we make mistakes, and when it comes to tattoos, it’s important to defend them and stand by them even if we know they’re stupid. Plus, do you know how many times that Marrone tattoo has gotten me laid? …. None. None times. But it could, right?

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “Would you rather have Dan Carpenter back as kicker, or a one legged Stephen Hauschka?”

Well, hello, Bills Mafia Babes.


While Dan Carpenter brings a sort of Eddard Stark charm to the team, I have to go with Hauschka. He seems like the sort of guy you could really talk to, you know? Like we got something, we both know it, we don’t talk too much about it. #Dreamy

@SoCalBillsMafia asks, “Would you rather have Christian Wade stay on the practice squad in 2019; or make room for him on the 53 man roster?”

It certainly would be fun to have Wade on the final 53 from a storyline perspective, but it seems like concerning the final 53, Christian Wade is the one that cannot be named around Bills Media lest they use mean gifs to tease you until they drive you to drink.

@Jeff_Kantrowski asks, “For your next big party/event; would you rather have:
1.) @EddieYarbrough perform and cover the music, or
2.) @JoshAllenQB do caricatures?”

Oh, I want both of these. Why can’t it be both, Jeff? Why? It’s always something with you.

I love Josh, but I think the kid is probably kind of boring, which you want in a franchise QB. Plus, he wouldn’t do a caricature of me. He’d only do them for the kids, which is lame. So, I’ve got to go with my man Eddie on the uke, and as the night goes on and the drinking flows, my cheers for “Free Bird!” will escalate precipitously.

@StanJ62 asks, “would you rather wake up to McDermott clapping at you or verbally processing at you?”

Stan … you made that sound dirty. I like it.

But really, can Coach McD really process without clapping? I suppose it’s possible, but no one has ever seen it.

@MsAFromBK asks, “How would you, @adamnannini, make your grand entrance into New Era Field? Would you rather …

A. Parachute in after jumping out of an airplane.
B. Land in a hot air ballon.
C. Fly in on a helicopter.
D. Other.”

I dunno, Ms. A … maybe something like THIS!

Thanks Ms A for creating this gif! You always have some of the best questions, and you are some kind of sorcerer.

@Bobos_Toupee asks, “Would you rather have for party stories Robert Krafts super bowl ring or videos of his prostitution ring.”

What if I was able to abscond with Robert Kraft’s Super Bowl ring whilst working undercover at the local rub and tug? … Got to pay for student loans somehow, and I look damn good in yoga pants. Now that’s a story.

@MsAFromBK asks, “Would you rather drink a warm beer with McDermott or a warm vodka with McBeane? 🧐🧐🧐”

Woof. Vodka gets me in trouble, and it usually involves dancing. So, unless I want to go home that night with B.B. Beane ( … maybe), I’ll have to go with the warm beer with Sean. Let’s hope it’s an ale because lagers are trash.

@ me, Germania!

@Jack_WanderS asks, “Would you rather go 8-8 in 2019 but Josh Allen takes a major step fwd and answers all the questions/critics… but Bills miss playoffs
Would you rather back into playoffs at 9/7 in 2019 based on defense and ground game but questions and uncertainty about Allen remain?”

Seeing Josh Allen develop is great, but let’s get this straight. I’m a Josh Allen fan because he’s on the Buffalo Bills, not the other way around. So, if we win … that’s what it’s about. I’m always taking the playoffs.


@FiveSixer asks, “…no beer sales at all inside the stadium but free basic stadium food, or no tailgating at all but a better, lower-priced beer selection through all 4 quarters?”

Damn. This is a tough one. Well, neither is a good choice, but when I see #BillsMafia on Sunday, I want them to be good and chuck-a-dildo-on-the-field sauced during the game, so I guess I’ll have to go with your latter suggestion. Can you really stop tailgating in Buffalo anyway? I don’t think so. Can you make gravity stop? Can you make a bird stop singing? Can you restrict Jon Feliciano to only one plate at a Pizza Hut lunch buffet? I don’t think so. Nature itself wouldn’t allow it.

@TheBillsBlues asks, “Would you rather…

1) Play spin the bottle with Terry Pegula, Kim Pegula, & Sidney Pegula.
2) Play 7 Minutes in Heaven with the Ryan Brothers?”

Now, this is an important question. Rob does have that nice flowing hair, and both Ryan brothers have sparkly white fake teeth ….

But I have to go with the Pegulas here. 1.) Terry seems like he’d be a sensitive man, that he wouldn’t take advantage of me. 2.) I really don’t know much about Sidney, so … 3.) Got to go with my girl, Kim. Kind of have a thing for powerful women, and she owns the Goddamn Buffalo Bills! Plus, she’s pretty much a cutie patootie …. Call me, girl.

@TCBills_Astro asks, “Would you rather bring back the Buffalo Jills, red end zones, or the standing buffalo?”

Great question, Dean. So, we’re saying permanently here? Hmm … I like the Buffalo Jills, but they really don’t impact my game watching whilst bundled up like a North Carolinian in 55 degree weather. So, they’re out. I like the red endzones. That would be tempting. But I’ve always been a big standing Buffalo guy. The logo is classic. It’s elegant. And I dig most old school things, so I have to go with that.

@Mottsawce asks, “Would you rather kiss Tom Brady on the lips or wear Harrison Phillips’s jock strap immediately after practice?”

Psssh. Easy. Legend has it that Phillips jock strap is absolutely drenched in process following a good, long, hard practice! By putting it on, I would absorb said process into my system via osmosis. My wrestling skills would immediately improve. I’d maybe lose my resting bitch face some #RBFisASeriousMedicalCondition, and I’d have the Buffalo Bills pumping in my veins!!!

Plus, while Tom has rather kissable lips, he’s not my type. I’m more into the sort of Fitzy lumberjack look. I want a man who look like he smells of beef.

@Bodotdot asks, “Would you rather have fans sarcastically yell, “TYPICAL BILLS” or “PUMPKIN SPICE BILLS” at home games?”

Pumpkin spice is one of the most evil things to have been created by the dark lord, Belichick. He created it to torment us, and calling the Bills or anyone that name is, well, mean. #PumpkinSpiceIsHateSpeech

@Crazy4Oreilly90 asks, “Would you rather have the receiving core we have or Antonio Brown (issues included)?”

… I feel like this is a trick question.

@Buffalo_Trump asks, “Would you rather punch Tom Brady or Scott Norwood?”

Well, Mr. President, I can’t just go around punching people. They don’t let me do that. I know you could punch just a random stranger on 5th Ave. and wouldn’t lose any votes, but I could not.

Still, if I had to, I’d punch Norwood. Not out of spite or anything, but he just seems like he could take a punch. Whereas, with Brady, well, I don’t want to get tears and blood all over me, and then refs would get involved, and I might get suspended from my job. It would be a whole ordeal.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Would you rather have the fate of the franchise in the hands of E.J. Manuel or Nathan Peterman?”

That’s not nice. E.J. Manuel was way better than Peterman. While I was not a big fan of his, he very well may have gotten a raw deal in Buffalo. He seemed like a good guy who worked hard, but man, sometimes the game seemed too big for him.

Now, Tyree Jackson or Peterman …. that’s a tougher question. I think I’ll just run the wildcat 100% of the time with Devin Singletary.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Would you rather binge watch all four #Bills Super Bowl games or every movie that ever featured Pauly Shore or Carrot Top?”

Tough question! It’s like asking, Steak or Lobster?

While Pauly Shore was the Daniel Day Lewis of the early 90s and Carrot Top is on the stand up comedy Mt. Rushmore, I have to go with the four losses … because I do still watch them. And it sucks, but it’s also bittersweet. Still, that Pauly Shore knows how to tug at the heart strings.

I remember in Encino Man when Shore as Stoney delivered this powerful coming of age monologue, the sort of thing that reminded us that we’re all human and that the human condition, truly, is a painful one:

STONEY: The truth is bro, life’s about greasin’ the do back, buddy, and weasin’ on the buff-fest, man. High school was interesting, all right? It was kinda like a harsh ride… ahhh, ahhh, owwww, owwww! We’re going on to bigger and better things, buddy!

@Spot_Bills asks, “Would you rather lose the Super Bowl 4 seasons in a row (like the Bills) OR to have won it once before you were born and never been back (like the Chiefs or Jets)?”

Really great question! Um, I wouldn’t change anything about my fandom, really. It’s part of what has made me who I am, what has made the great city of Buffalo what it is, and it’s created this wonderful community we call, Bills Mafia.

Honestly, with football or any sport, it’s not about championships. It’s about memories. It’s about community. It’s about punctuated moments in life that bring a community of people together when they sip on a brewski and say, Remember that one game …?

No, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Thanks for all of the great questions, Bills Mafia! Be sure to give these wonderful interrogators a follow on Twitter, and let’s go Bills!