The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Wild Fantasy!
It’s time again for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! This week’s theme: Wild Fantasy!
Before answering any questions about your weird and wild fantasies this week, I went down to my local saloon and threw back a few peach cosmos. Why peach cosmos? Two reasons.
1.) If you really want to impress your douchy hyper-masculine friends, nothing will impress them more than some peach cosmos. Example: “Do you even cosmo, bro?”
2.) Because I’m “living it!” like the ladies in Brooklyn.
This isn’t your average, everyday mailbag. This is the mailbag for the Bills fans that only buy boneless wings to huck at stray cats! #notforconsumption This is for the men and women who’ve done things in a Bills parking lot they have to go to confession for! This is for the heroes out there that are subscribed to 57 Bills podcasts … and listen to every one. This is the beef on weck of mailbags!
Now on to the questions …
@DaveAllenWriter asks, “If everyone on the team joined WWE, who would win the Royal Rumble?”
Well, initially, Harrison Phillips, with his wrestling background would be the favorite, but Taron Johnson will surprise people by getting Ed Oliver in a headlock and dropping the DDT. Wyatt Teller will take out most of the secondary with a Randy Savage-style elbow drop (OH YEAH!), but would soon be subdued by Matt “The Hitman” Milano with a Sharpshooter.
Unfortunately, Coach McDermott will have heard about this ruckus. They were supposed to be processing, and he will come out of the doors strutting like Vince McMahon. At which point, the team will flee the ring with the speed and terror of teenagers caught playing seven minutes in heaven at Mike Pence’s house. McDermott will climb into the ring, now alone, look at the crowd, and begin to clap.
@BillsFanSuzanne says, “WILD FANTASY: TOM BRADY RETIRES! I don’t have a question.”
Not a fantasy. You just have a vision of the future after the first time Ed Oliver meets Tom Brady. For which Brady will be quoted after he retires and leaves the stadium during halftime, “Oh, hell no.”
@Buffalo_Trump asks, “I am currently at the G7 meeting. Many unworthy countries are looking for an expansion NFL team. I have heard of great demand for this great opportunity. Which country’s NFL expansions fantasy can I crush while I am here?”
What an honor, Mr. President. It’s amazing that you can time for my weekly mailbag. Well, I assume these countries are what you refer to as “S%&*hole countries,” which I assume means countries that regularly mock “American football” and somehow love to watch 90 minutes of passing and jogging? I’m no policy wonk, Mr. President, but it seems to me that countries must first abandon and renounce the tremendously lame game of soccer before being offered a franchise … but that’s me.
@ChefBake1 asks, “Who were the best wild card teams to win the super bowl and had top fantasy players on the roster?”
I guess the obvious answer would be the 2000 Baltimore Ravens. Yes, they were a wildcard team. That defense alone would score you 47 points per week, so that’s all you need.
@MsAFromBK asks, “Name 3 things that have happened throughout Bills football history that made you say… “That was wild!” ? …and… What do you predict will be the next… “That was wild!” moment?”
Good question, Ms. A! Hmm … let’s see.
- The time we lost to the Cowboys on MNF after picking off Romo five times.
- The Ryan Fitzpatrick comeback win at home against the Patriots on September 25, 2011.
- Of course, Frank Reich’s magical comeback win against the Houston Oilers, which is still the greatest comeback in NFL history!
What’s coming next? During the Patriots game in week 16 in Foxboro, the Pats will cheat and knock out almost all of our defensive ends during the game with some cheap shots and late hits. At which point, Josh Allen will lean over to Coach and say, “I got this.” Number 17 will go into the game and break the NFL single-game sack record with 8.5 sacks, leading the Bills to a 54-3 victory and a division title.
@ChristianLasal asks, “If instead of using players each NFL team used a roster full of its animal mascots (ie Bills = a herd of buffalo, Lions = pride of lions, and so on), which team would win:
A. A battle to the death
B. An actual football game”
Hmm. Now that’s a tough question. So, for all of the NFL, here are my answers:
A. Animal mascots are toast against someone with a gun, so let’s count them out. The Cowboys, Texans, and Patriots are certain to have guns, but the Pats have smoothbore muskets most likely, which are wildly inaccurate. The Cowboys and Texans will most likely have six-shot revolvers, but let’s not forget that it’s the Buffalo Bills, not the Buffalo Buffalos. Buffalo Bill was a crack shot, and he’d take out the men and the wildlife as he did following the Civil War.
B. Hard to win a football game when Buffalo Bill has already made swiss cheese of your ass. #GoBills.
@FamousAmos34 asks, “Standing Buffalo or Iroquois beer?”
Standing Buffalo is classy and awesome. We need to go back to that permanently. Also, I’ve never had Iriquois beer. I don’t think they sell it down here, but next time I go to Buffalo, I’ll make it my first priority. #DontJudgeMe!
@TheBillsBlues asks, “Which is closest to your wildest #Bills fantasy?
1) Have Brandon Beane manage your salary cap (Finances)
2) Sean McDermott offers to teach your children how to wrestle
3) You beat both Rex and Rob Ryan in a wing eating contest
4) Tre White offers to teach you how to dance”
Damn. I want all of these. OK, let’s narrow this down.
1.) Not 1 because I don’t really have any finances to manage … turns out you need that.
2.) I don’t have children, and even if I did, after they meet Sean McDermott, they would just look at me with disappointment and disdain from that day forward.
3.) Number 3 is tempting … but then I would have to hang out with the Ryan bros., and I don’t want to do that. I bet Mark Sanchez would be officiating the contest.
4.) Thing is, I’m already one of the world’s greatest dancers having mastered such moves as Walking like an Egyptian, Gangnam Style, the Charleston, the Chicken Dance, and the Carlton. In fact, I used to be one of James Taylor’s backup dancers.
So, I’m going to have to go with shopping and a clothes makeover with Micah Hyde. The kind of man that owns a purse without shame, well, he can get me looking fly.
@FiveSixer asks, “When the Bills replace Steven Hauschka with Carli Lloyd, what are her fantasy stats gonna look like?”
Carli Lloyd would have roughly 600 yards rushing and 14 touchdowns with no field goals. Why? Because every time she’d step up to kick, some fool would go full Cam Newton and say some ignorant sexist shit. At which point, Carli going “Hell hath no fury” will call for the fake and truck the offending mouthbreather on her way to the endzone. #GirlPower #YallLadiesAreScarySometimes
My boy Steven is too nice for that.
@TCBills_Astro asks, “Adam, could you help me understand these 4 new rulings by the refs?”
Great question, Dean! I looked in the NFL rulebook, and here’s what they say:
1.) The Sergeant Schultz or “I see nothing” ruling. This is the ruling refs will make this year when Tom Brady and the Patriots do something shady, illegal, or if they try to get away with something like a bogus pass interference play.
2.) The “My Finger Points!” ruling. This was introduced to show that, despite popular opinion, a staggering 52.6% majority of referees do actually know their ass from a hole in the ground.
3.) The “Checking the Wedding Ring as I ogle the Cheerleaders” ruling. Referees and officials are people too. They have needs.
4.) The “Yes, Chuck, your ass does look big in those pants” ruling. This ruling was instituted because of official Chuck Pakovski, who regularly interrupted the flow of the game to ask the head ref if his pants made his ass look big. With his bubble butt on the jumbotron every now and again, game speed will increase and there will be fewer interruptions.
@MsAFromBK asks, “What is your wildest football fantasy involving a solid, a liquid & a gas? 😉😁😂”
Boy. This is a tough question. I need to tread lightly on this one … but the answer here is easy. The first time Tom Brady gets hit by Ed Oliver in week four, there will be a blowout … and not the kind you’re thinking. First, a liquid, then a gas, and finally, a solid. Then will come the inevitable waterworks. Belichick will not enjoy changing Brady’s Pampers that day.
@Jack_WanderS asks, “So if the 2019 Bills were a 007 flick, which would they be? Allen is Bond, but which actor/why? Mcdermott is M, is he Judy Dench? Who is Q Beane/Daboll? The AFC EAST are bond baddies. Belichick is clearly Ernst Stavro Blofeld but which actor? who’s the other notable villains? 😜”
Woof. A lot to get to here.
1.) No actor could accurately represent Josh Allen. You’d need the good looks of Brad Pitt, the upper body strength of Lou Ferrigno, and the charm of Hugh Jackman. Allen would have to play himself.
2.) Sean McDermott would need to be played by Jocko Willink. He’s the only guy that understands process like Sean… Jocko or Judy Dench. Both work.
3. Beane would be Q but played by the old afroed professor from the University of Nottingham on the Youtube Channel, Periodic Videos.
4.) Villains: Yes. Belichick is Blofeld. Adam Gase would be Boris Grishenko, Brian Flores would be Oddjob, and Tom Brady would, of course, be Pussy Galore.
@DookieVision asks, “Who should I draft for my fantasy team? Andrew Luck or Nate Peterman?”
You know, in all seriousness, I think Gruden actually thinks he can fix Peterman. So, Peterman? Sorry. I only have one joke for this question: Jon Gruden. But it’s a good joke, yeah?
@Spot_Bills asks, “Better song: “Dear Mr. Fantasy” or “Rock ‘n Roll Fantasy”?”
Personally, I prefer “Dear Mr. Fantasy” over “Rock ‘n Roll Fantasy.” But that’s me. Let’s let the people decide! What do you think, #BillsMafia?
@TCBills_Astro asks, “Who is the love child of:
1.) Ty Nsehke (6-8, 330) and De’Ondre Wesley (6-6, 331)?
2.) Sean McDermott and Ronnie Howard?
3.) Brian Daboll and Mitch Morse?”
I knew this was a trick question when you said “love” about Ty Nsekhe. Nsekhe, of course, is incapable of love since he has devoted his life to revenge after his family was killed by the merciless warlord, Thulsa Doom.
No, the answer is that DNA from all six of these men was used to create the perfect offensive lineman:
– The avenging spirit of Conan the Barbari … er, Ty Nsekhe.
– The amazing hair of De’Ondre Wesley.
– The process of Sean McDermott.
– The boyish charm of Ron Howard.
– The craftiness of Brian Daboll.
– The flannel shirt styles of Mitch Morse, which ideally captures the smell of beef.
With all of these pieces in place, we get the gentle caveman lumberjack we all know today who smells of beef: Cody Ford.
@BillsMafia617 asks, “What are the chances the Department of Corrections will create their own football league with former NFL players who are incarcerated?… A real life version Longest Yard”
So, the Chiefs are considering leaving the NFL to join another league? I hadn’t heard this news, but I’m hardly surprised.
@BrianRossignol1 asks, “We’ve seen Beane making moves late in preseason, but will he move any projected starters? and conversely, will we be on the receiving end of attaining a starter?”
LeSean McCoy will be traded to the Houston Texans for JaDeveon Clowney, J.J. Watt, Whitney Mercilus, and DeAndre Hopkins. Not because McCoy is worth that, but Big Baller Beane is an intimidating MFer, and those who try to negotiate with him soon find themselves saying something like, “Just take what you want! Please don’t hurt me!”
@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “Will Skip Bayless finally admit that the Bills are good?”
Skip Bayliss doesn’t just take his stupid pills. He didn’t just fall from the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. He, as a young man, was catapulted through the extremely dense stupid forest, and he repeats this tradition every year when the Cowboys are inevitably knocked out of contention.
I secretly suspect that Skip Bayliss is actually one of those creepy pull-string dolls that came to life in the Twilight Zone. He says the same dumbass thing every day, and he doesn’t age. Suspicious, right?
@StephieTweets asks, “Regarding fantasy football, who would you pick in the first round of your draft?”
Get your hands on a time machine. Go back in time to 2011. Bring Fred Jackson to our era and have him sign with the Buffalo Bills. Pick him number one and dominate your league.
Do I have to think of everything, Stephie?! Come on.
@BrianRossignol1 asks, “Will Peterman steal Derek Carr’s role as #1 QB in OakVagas?”
We can only hope. It would be the most Raiders thing ever, and God knows Goodell’s “No Fun League” can use a bit more comedy.
Thanks for all the great questions, and give these interrogators a follow! Finally, in these serious and dividing times, we could all use a little more comedy in our lives. Make somebody laugh today, #BillsMafia