It’s time again, Bills Mafia, for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! This week’s theme focuses on a certain Kaiju who roams Bills Stadium: Tremaine Edmunds, King of the Monsters!
Before answering any questions this week, I made myself a monster gin and tonic! What makes a monster gin and tonic different from a normal one? Nuclear radiation! The plutonium really adds some lovely woody notes to the drink.
Now on to the questions!
Well, obviously, I am a freaky specimen. In fact, I get called a freak on the regular, thus validating that point. “Get out of here, you freak!” or “What’s your problem, freakazoid?” Stuff like that. Still, I’m not a Spring chicken anymore, so I am not #1. I’d say, I’m #2 … if you know what I mean.
@SaveDave1 asks, “If Tremaine is ‘the predator’, what special traits/weapons does he have to use against opposing offenses (aliens) to keep them from reaching the surface(SB LV)? And will he bring his brothers?”
Ah, excellent question. Well, Tremaine is obviously more powerful than a predator, but he does have the clicking down. (It really freaks out opposing quarterbacks named Sam.)
But Mr. Edmunds has many special abilities to defeat the enemy. Here are just a few:
- Super size, obviously. They don’t call him, “The Kaiju” for nothing!
- Super strength. In a simulation, he was able to hurl Larry Allen 20 yards … obviously the simulation was inaccurate as it undervalued his otherworldly muscles.
- Super speed. If Tyreek (another monster) Hill is the cheetah, Tremaine Edmunds is a Lockheed SR71-Blackbird … with a turbo … and better suspension … and a pair of dice that hang down from the rearview mirror.
- Laser eyes. Yes, The Kaiju can shoot lasers from his eyes. But McDermott has told him not to as that would be unprocessy.
- Poetry. Yes, Edmunds is something of a poet. Robert Frost, having time-traveled to 2019, read Tremaine’s poetry, hung his head, and just before returning to his own time, murmured, “God … he makes me look like the Jets of poetry.” Robert Frost never published another poem.
@MsAFromBK asks, “What is Sam, Cam & Fitz-Tua’s worst nightmare? Which monsters make them stay up at night and have to change their sheets by morning?”
It is important to know your enemy’s fears. So, here are what these opposing QBs are TRULY afraid of:
- Fitzy: Dollar shave club. Gillette. Schick. etc. Like Samson in the Book of Judges, Fitzy knows his great strength lies in his hair … his beard hair. Without it, he becomes just a regular dude with a dadbod.
- Tua: He is terrified of non-newtonian fluids like ketchup, custard, and oobleck. He spent many years in a lab trying to understand these frightening substances but failed to do so. Show him a bottle of ketchup, and Tua will turn and scream, “It’s impossible!!!”
- Cam Newton: He is terrified of CB Cam Lewis. Cam Lewis buys all of his clothes at Walmart. Scary! … also, he wets the bed when he remembers that look that Ed “Captain Insano” Oliver gave him.
- Sam Darnold: I mean, what isn’t he afraid of? He once hid under the covers, shivering, and soiling his sheets after a Halloween episode of Blue’s Clues.
@MsAFromBK asks, “Tremaine is a “monster” but we have lots of “monsters” on our squad… who’s who??? Add the name of a Buffalo Bills player to each of the bad boys below…”
Let’s get to it.
- Godzilla: Well, that would be Mr. Edmunds.
- Terminator: Matt Milano.
- Ghostface: John Brown, because one moment you see him, and the next, he may disappear.
- Predator: Siran Neal. On a punt or kickoff, you can try to hide, but he will find you.
- Darth Vader: Brandon Beane. Leader, badass, sexy voice, and he really looks good in black.
- The Mummy: Josh Norman. Well, he’s kind of old and moving slow, but that doesn’t mean he won’t get you … eventually.
- King Kong: Reggie Gilliam. He’s not quite Godzilla powerful, but, let’s face it, KING KONG AIN’T GOT SHIT ON HIM!
- Dracula: Josh Allen. Yes, he sleeps in a coffin, and no, he doesn’t sparkle in the sunlight … but he could if he wanted to. Like Dracula, he is super powerful and immortal, but he is also weakened by garlic and wolfsbane. I hope the Bills don’t suspend me for letting that out.
@TheBillsBlues asks, “If you were to create the ultimate monster linebacker out of former Buffalo Bills linebacker parts, who would you choose for each part? (i.e. Takeo Spikes Neck, Darryl Talley’s mindset, Tremaine Edmunds arms.) Also, how many beers would it take for that monster to get drunk?”
See, Mr. Blues, they’ve already done that. His name is Tremaine Edmunds.
- Speed of London Fletcher
- Sticktuitiveness of Darryl Talley
- Strength of Takeo Spikes
- Cooking skills of Mike Stratton
- Sex appeal of Cornelius Bennett
- Deadly hitting power of Arthur Moats
- Clothing style of Lucius Sanford
- Bubbly personality of Reese Witherspoon (an often overlooked and forgotten Bills Linebacker)
@FiveSixer asks, “I’ve had the opportunity to see a couple old-school Godzilla movies this summer (including Destroy All Monsters!)…who is the Bills’ Mothra, and why is it Tre White?”
Well, you nailed it. It is of course, Tre White. He and Mothra share many qualities. He can fly. He’s the only thing on the planet that could scare a Godzilla-sized Kaiju, though like Godzilla, they make the perfect team, and also, two tiny women must sing to him on game days to rouse him from his slumber on Himago Island. I’ve uncovered some actual footage. Enjoy:
@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “As the youngest of 3 brothers, his parents kept having sons built for football, until he was created and was perfection. While he is superior to his siblings, would the universe implode if all 3 brothers happened to play for the Bills at once?”
Well, of course, those aren’t his real brothers. Tremaine was adopted. While those other two are impressive humans, Tremaine was actually born after some nuclear bomb testing near the Bikini Atoll on July 1, 1946. Looks good for his age, doesn’t he?
@Jack_Wanders asks, “Seeing as one aging Monster left the AFC east for Tampa can the Bills finally slay the hooded evil lord inhabiting Foxborough MA? OR WILL CAM NEWTON become the new beast of the east?”
Cam Newton, like Tremaine, is gigantic and a bit of a Kaiju … but he’s like one of those really lame Kaijus. He is the like the 1998 American Godzilla (or Zilla as the Japanese now refer to him): strong, but kind of sucks, no super powers, and, frankly, no one will want to watch him. #terribleMovie Also, Julian Edelman is his Matthew Broderick … except with more PEDs and somehow worse acting ability.
@DrowningPool86 asks, “It’s lunch time, so that means Bloody Marys. Speaking of Bloody Mary, Who’s the Bloody Mary of the Special teams that would appear in the opposing teams mirror after saying his name 3 times with the lights off?”
Believe it or not, it’s Tyler Bass. NFL players don’t like to admit it, but he scares the shit out of them. Why do you think Hauschka was cut? Mr. Yoga could not compete from a fear factor standpoint.
DISCLAIMER: Do not do what I’m about to tell you! Sam Darnold tried this and he hasn’t left his house in days.
If you say “Bass Pro Shop” three times in the mirror, Tyler Bass will appear behind you, smile, and whisper “Feel the Process” before he kicks you in the berries with the most powerful kicking leg ever devised in monsterdom.
@MaryWal14687754 asks, “Boxers or briefs?”
Kind of a personal and intimate question, Mary. You didn’t even think to ask me out for a nice macchiato or a breakfast tea. No, you, like so many others, go straight for turning me into a sex object, the physical manifestation of your desires. Well, I’m not just a sexy and well-marbled piece of meat, madam! I think we’ve found our real monster.
Thanks for all of the amazing questions, and please be sure to give all of my brilliant interrogators a follow on Twitter. Stay safe, and have a great weekend, Bills Mafia!