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The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Training Camp



It’s that time again, Bills Mafia! It’s time again for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! This week’s theme: Training Camp!

Before answering any questions this week, I made myself a fitting cocktail for the occasion of my own design. It is comprised of two shots of tequila, a dash of bitters, a squeeze of lime, and a pint of freshly-made hot dog water. It’s key that it’s fresh! Can you believe they kicked me out of bartending school? Philistines!

Now on to the questions!

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “When learning to ride a bicycle you often use training wheels. Do you think the #Bills will take the training wheels off of Josh Allen now that they have Diggs & we’ll see a more dynamic offensive play scheme this season?”

Well, Mr. Ears, that is a common misconception. While they may look like training wheels, they are actually limiter wheels. After Allen was drafted, there was precipitous whining from Mahomes, Brady, Watson, Brees, Rodgers, etc. that it wasn’t fair that a guy who looks so good in shorts is able to compete in this league. So, a memo came down from the owners and Goodell that forced the Bills to limit Allen as best they could.

Of course, no limitation will stop such a #thicc guy like Allen for long. Hell, did you know Allen is actually left handed?

@MsAFromBK asks, “We all pretty much know what training camp looks like during the day but what does training camp look like when the sun goes down behind closed doors? What are some drills you think the men are doing at night?”

Well, Ms. A, that is a good question. Of course, the drills don’t stop just because the lights go out. John Brown leads the team in some calisthenics with his flailing arms dance drill. Leslie Frazier, of course, does some important work by leading the scary stories around the campfire drill. And once in a while, Sam Darnold comes over for the night, and the team takes turns doing the, “Uh-Oh, Sam wet the bed again. We need to change the sheets drill.” His mom doesn’t let him take part in the scary ghost stories any more.

@SaveDave1 asks, “So I went camping this past weekend with a few peeps and we all brought different necessary items. If the players went camping who would the coordinator be and who is bringing what?”

Well, of course, WR’s Coach, Chad Hall will lead the expedition. He was a Beagle Scout, you know. Seriously … look at his picture. There’s no way that guy doesn’t know how to tie a clove hitch knot.

Anyway, here is who would bring what:

  • Sean McDermott: Dehydrated Process Juice. Just add process. It keeps longer that way.
  • Dawson Knox: Rocks to surround the campfire. Yes, they could just get rocks from around the campsite, but he prefers to carry them on the six-mile trek.
  • Christian Wade: Proper Assam Breakfast Tea. Because, doi.
  • Dion Dawkins: Ingredient for Shmores. What are shmores? Basically, just mac ‘n cheese ingredients between graham crackers.

@FiveSixer asks, “Who’s the marshmallow, who’s the chocolate, and who are the graham crackers…which Bills make up the best s’mores?”

Mr. Sixer, I don’t know what kind of mailbag you think this is, but we at The Drunken Mailbag corporation do not condone cannibalism, even if said cannibalism was a delicious campfire snack! But if we did …

  • Marshmallow: Brian Daboll. You know why.
  • Chocolate: The linebacking crew. They’re strong and with such a powerful flavor, it’ll knock your teeth out.
  • Graham Crackers: The Cornerbacks. They’re light. They dress crispy, and they know how to deliver that delicious crunch.

@Jack_Wanders asks, “Which roster Underdog will be the surprise of camp and make the 53man… my pick is Cam Lewis the CB from UB…”

Well, that is a solid choice. But my bet for the player surprise would be Tommy Sweeney’s cousin, TE, Ronnie Sweeney. He’s got sticky hands and the genetics for a pristine mustache. You can’t have too many Sweeneys on the team, am I right?

@TheBillsBlues asks, “By the end of training camp which player is most likely to make you pitch a tent?”

JUST ONE?! This is an impossible question. Of course, Tommy Sweeney is the obvious answer, but Trumaine Edmunds is the Kaiju … and he knows something about being big. What about this new svelte Quinton Spain? He’s a dark horse! But since he’s dropping dimes at 95 yards, is looking #thicc, and I have pictures of him strewn all over my bedroom, I’m gonna have to go with Josh Allen.

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “If Bills training camp was like summer camps for kids, who would be the camp counselors, and what camp activities would individual players excel at?”

Well, obviously, the coaches are the counselors, and Zo and Kyle come by to teach a few classes. McDermott runs a tight ship. Here are some campers and what they excel at:

  • Brandon Beane: Texas Hold ’em. (He had to be warned because he kept taking all of the other camper’s money.)
  • Mitch Morse: A lot of people don’t know this, but Morse was the potato sack champion during his time in Missouri. And if you’ve ever been to Missouri, you know they take that game seriously.
  • Cody Ford got a special badge for pancakes. He makes dynamite pancakes.
  • Robert Foster always wins the egg toss. He’s so fast, he can toss it to himself. Josh Allen always loses that competition. The egg breaks in mid-air from the otherworldly forces he applies during the throw.

@MsAFromBK asks, “As a Girl Scout I earned lots of badges by the end of camp… who’s getting a badge & what for? …aside from Dion Dawkins who’s definitely getting the Top Chef badge for sure”

Well, obviously, Dawkins already has all of the cooking badges. Why do you think he got the new contract? So, here are some badges the campers have received:

  • Best Hair Badge: Dawson Knox. Last year, it was Cole Beasley, but then he tied his hair up in a man-bun. To quote Steve Harvey, “You don’t look cool with your hair tied up.” This has led some to wonder if the Bease will even make the 53-man roster after a stunt like that.
  • Best Dancer Badge: Unlike what most people think, it’s actually Ty Nsekhe that takes this award home every year. The man is light on his feet. His specialty: Twerking. And he looks good doing it.
  • Looks Best With a Purse Badge: Yes, it’s Micah Hyde, obviously. I have to admit, he does kind of pull it off. Cam Newton has even asked him this offseason where he gets his handbags. Micah will never tell …
  • Best Kisser Badge: This one was close because Andre Roberts is known for his smooching, though judges (Ken Dorsey and Bobby Johnson) complained he was just too damned fast. The award this year went to Italian-American heartthrob, Matt Milano.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “When John Winger was in basic training, he called Sgt. Hulka, “the big toe” of the outfit. What player is the big toe of the #Bills?”

Ah. Excellent question and reference, sir. Well, the biggest toe on the team after McD is obviously Cody Ford. He is the Luca Brasi of the Bills. Whenever a disgruntled teammate makes unreasonable demands, McDermorleone sends in Ford to make him an offer he can’t refuse.

@Buffalornia asks, “Will Tommy Sweeney and his stache be enough to impress this training camp and earn him a spot on the 53?”

Why do you ask questions that you already know the answer to? QUIT WASTING MY TIME, MR. ORNIA!!!

@ChefBake1 asks, “Necessary Roughness, Replacements, Any give Sunday. Which of the three is the best romantic football movie to watch with your S/O after a round of wings and beer/wine?”

Well, obviously, there’s no wrong answer here. All three of these films would be an appropriate choice for the most romantic occasions: anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, or the day before a Bills game.

But while these are all acceptable, for ideal sexy time movie-watching, might I suggest the obvious answer of the Buffalo Bills: End the Draught film? Some reviewers have it a notch above Citizen Cane as the greatest film of all time.

@GMaclagan asks, “If training camp was a summer camp, which former Bills would be brought back as Camp Counsellors and what would their stereotype trait be? Ex. Joe Cool, Reformed Rebel, The Narc, etc.”

Ah, Mr. Clagan. Good to hear from you. Here’s what I’ve heard:

  • Nerd: Matt Barkley. Boy loves him some Bitcoin and World of Warcraft. He tried (unsuccessfully) to make larping a regular camp activity.
  • Bully: Duke Williams. Duke has a bad habit of taking anything another player has in his hands and bowling them over afterward. This includes footballs, lunch trays, various seasoned meats, bags of marshmallows, and confidence.
  • Narc: The entire special teams (Bojo, Ferguson, and Hauschka) are tattletales. This is why no one wants to associate with them. The team has a hell of a time when Duke Williams catches them snitching.
  • Cool Loner: Levi Wallace. He’s a got a bitchin’ jean jacket, drives a ’68 Ford Mustang GT, smokes Pall Malls, and sneaks over to the girls camp on the other side of the lake on the regular.

@MsAFromBK asks, “Why …um… camp eh… so what is … and the …. who do I … if it is… but now … where do … us… think so if… yeah??? Go Bills!”

Wow. Now that is a drunken question. Of course, the answer is more process.

@Crazy4OReilly90 asks, “If the team were to go camping who is bringing the best snacks? Who would have the swankiest tent? And who brings the mini bar?”

Well, we all know Chef Dion would bring the best snacks. Stefon Diggs has the fanciest tent. Dude, that guy used to camp in Minnesota. Do you know how cold it gets there?! And finally, though alcohol is prohibited at camp, DiMarco brings a bag of 50 ml Mini-bottles of liquor because he has a desperate need to be liked. (This explains the constant stream of yoga pants selfies on his Instagram feed.) He knows McDermott and Beane only kept him on the team because he doesn’t have any friends, and they felt bad for him. Gilliam doesn’t need alcohol to make friends.

Thanks for all of the amazing questions, #BillsMafia! Please be sure to give me lovely interrogators a follow on Twitter. They are a lot of fun. Enjoy training camp, and please stay safe!