The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Tom Brady

Before answering any questions this week, I drank a 50/50 tumbler of tequila and New England clam chowder! … Mmm. Briny.

This isn’t your average mailbag! This is the mailbag for the fans that will hide a dildo wherever (and I mean wherever) they need to so that they can huck it onto the field during the dildo bowl! This is for those men and women that taped over video of their child’s birthday party to record Fitzy’s famous win against the New England Patriots in 2011! This is for those die-hard fans who had recurring wet dreams of Ed Oliver smashing Tom Brady after the 2019 NFL Draft! This is the beef on weck of mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@JimHavJr asks, “Did Tom Brady dress up as a Vietnamese ‘masseuse’ in order to freshly squeeze 1-2ML of Robert Kraft’s homemade cheese sauce?”

Tom is a pretty man …

@MsAFromBK asks, “In your own magic world where all things are warm & fuzzy, where Bills Mafia is always celebrating a victory… much like Happy’s Happy Place… what’s happening to TB12?”

I don’t know why, but in my happy place, Tom is away in the corner, happy himself, as he and “Big Daddy” Robert Kraft are getting their assholes bleached. Why can’t we all be happy doing what we love, you know?

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “If you replaced TB12’s kale with tobacco, how long would it take him to notice?”

Since, scientifically, Kale is just recycled cigarette butts, and everyone who has ever tasted Kale knows this to be true, it would be impossible for Brady to tell the difference.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “If TB12 was a mixed drink, what would he be?”

A Cosmo mixed with tears? Yeah. Salty, but satisfying.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “How many Horcruxes do you think the QB Who Shall Not Be Named owns?”

I don’t what that is, and I refuse to Google it because … don’t make me Google things, Mr. Ears!!!

But I have to assume it’s from the most evil book, The Necronomicon, to which I will say to you what all the old ladies in the South say to me in the most polite and judgy way possible: “I’m praying for you!”

@ChefBake1 asks, “Which one drink to have on Sunday to watch Pats vs Bills?

Tequila Sunrise
Orgasm
Mint Julep
Bourbon on the Rocks
Amaretto Sour
D*ck Sucker
Yuengling Beer.

Ooh! These are all excellent choices, Mr. Bake! Well, not Yuengling because it’s measurably terrible. Lagers are the worst. Tequila during a game day in Buffalo seems like a very dangerous idea, so in the interest of health and safety, that’s out. With the asterisk there, I’m not sure what that drink is supposed to be, but I think it is Duck Sucker, similar to the legendary creature, the Chupacabra, which means “Goat Sucker.” But let’s leave these poor ducks alone, eh? There’s no cause for that.

Bourbon on the rocks is the way to go. Or neat. Bourbon is the finest whiskey in the world, so don’t @ me Scotland or Ireland or Canada! OK, you can @ me if you want. I really don’t care. It would be nice to talk to Scotland again … we had a bit of a falling out after college, and it would be good to catch up.

@Pit27dog asks, “Is it true that Tom Brady sucks the fountain of youth out of his son while he’s French kissing him?” and then @Bobos_Toupee asks, “Can you ask Tom who is a better kisser, Mr. Craft or his son 😂” Following that, @WittySports716 asks, “Will Tom Brady refuse CPR from anyone but his kids after Ed Oliver eats him for lunch? #Billsmafia” And finally, @MattHenry92 asks, “If Tom Brady had a nightly ritual with his kids before a game the next day what would it be?”

This is a controversial point, but my sources tell me that Tom Brady does not actually have kids but clones of himself he created for organs, blood transfusions, etc. like in that movie, The Island. Two of the “kids” have already disappeared mysteriously, but the NFL refuses to look into it. And it seems that Tom is incapable of procreation, what with the constant crying and the fact that this sixth-round pick has a seventh-round dick … if you know what I’m saying.

@TCBills_Astro asks, “Tom follows a strict diet, all-natural, 80% plant-based, only grass-fed lean meats, excludes nightshade and inflammatory foods, drinks a ton of water, goes to sleep by 9 p.m., and doesn’t drink alcohol. Is this the secret to getting top models to date you?”

Well, Dean, since I know you have dated and cast aside many many supermodels in your time (You dog, you!), I realize this is a trick question … though women do hate nightshades. Obviously, what models and all women want is a guy with a dadbod who can throw back a brew, smells of beef, knows his NFL trivia, and is not hesitant to lovingly throw his friend through a folding table.

Basically, Dean, yes, I am going where you were leading me. What top models want is you. Damn you and your irresistible sex appeal!

@FiveSixer asks, “What is the best (or worst) backhanded compliment you could actually be ok with giving Brady?”

I think it is rather considerate of him to sit when he pees. Gisele tried putting fruit loops in the toilet to help him with his aim, but that didn’t work. So, well done, Tommy!

@BeCoolFool asks, “How do other fans tailgate, and why don’t they have a bowling ball like @PintoTailgate?”

Here are how some other teams’ fans tailgate:
– Dolphins fans: Don’t show up to games.
– Raiders fans: Stabbing. Mostly stabbing.
– Browns fans: Look at the team, shake their heads, and take Sunday morning to plan their move to Baltimore.
– Jaguars fans: They do use the bowling ball, but they sip English Breakfast tea out of it and call the field a “pitch”.
– Patriots fans: Congregate together in a patch of woods in the middle of the night wearing black cloaks and chant mysterious spells around a pentagram until the image of Bill Belichick arises from a cauldron and speaks to them in some dead language that only they can understand. This, of course, is followed by ritualistic human sacrifice … usually, it’s a Bostonian, so nobody really puts up a fuss about it.

@WhiskeyBuffalo asks, “Is Tom Brady man enough to drink whiskey? something tells me he likes sparkling water.”

Dude. I bet Brady can drink. I bet he’s like that girl you dated in college who is cute as anything, but she’s almost suspiciously too good in bed … and she can throw back drinks like her gag reflex has been dormant for years.

@SoCalBillsMafia asks, “Will Brady cry…if he can’t hold hands with Alex, between plays?”

Well, yes. But he’ll also cry if he can hold hands with Alex. The man likes to cry, what can I tell you? He cries when Gisele won’t allow him to have another sleepover at Alex’s house or doesn’t let Tom and Alex “play doctor”. He cries when he thinks about what Ed Oliver is going to do to him, and he cries when he sees Robert Kraft kissing other men. THE MAN CRIES A LOT. I guess that’s the point.

@TomDC33 asks, “We get Brady and guarantee this years super bowl but Pats get Allen and they dominate for next 10 years (again). Or we stick with Allen and no guarantee of a Super Bowl (probably suck for 10 years) 🤣 Which one?”

Woof. You ask hard questions, Tom. But I’m going to have to stick with Allen. He’s rough and raw, but I don’t think Tom Brady looks like Tom Brady outside of New England, so I don’t buy the premise he’d lead us to a Super Bowl.

@Spot_Bills asks, “If Tom Brady was drafted in 2000 by the Bills, would he have gone on to become a Hall of Fame, multiple-Super Bowl winner, the next Rob Johnson or a line cook at the Ruby Tuesdays on McKinley Pkwy?”

If Tom Brady was drafted by the Bills, he would have played maybe two years and been crushed behind the Bills offensive line. He would have been a nobody. Fact is, Tom Brady is the ultimate system quarterback who has benefitted from so many top 10 scoring defenses on his side and the most cohesive offensive line in the history of the league, and he’s only known one system in the NFL. That’s rare and crazy but good on him.

After a couple of years, Tom would retire, move back to California, and start a vegan restaurant named “Just Avocados” with his best buddy, Alex Guerrero.

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “What does Tom Brady hate more, Buffalo hotel rooms, or pics of him before hair plugs?”

Something happened to Tom in one of those Buffalo hotel rooms … something that profoundly changed him forever, something that scarred him in a way that only a man who has seen things and done things he’ll regret for the rest of his life can be permanently marked.

Tom and Gisele honeymooned at Niagara. Their hotel was in Buffalo.

@Jack_Wanders asks, “If you had access to a time machine would you pull a Skynet and try to go back in time and take Brady out before he could ruin our football lives, or go back and make the Bills draft him in 2000? …I think I would do either.” and @StephieTweets asks, “Is Tom Brady a robot?”

So, Tom Brady IS a robot. He was sent back from the year 2029 to destroy all of humanity. The only thing that could stop the robots from defeating the humans was Bills Mafia led by Josh Allen, so the robots sent back the perfect quarterback to break the will of Bills Mafia and put an end to the human race. But the robots did not plan on one important variable: heart.

To quote Sean McDermott, one of the leaders of the resistance, “We talked about heart. It’s great to have heart, you win with heart, and I’m proud of those guys, man.”

@AdamZientek3 asks, “Do you find it strange that Tom Brady open mouth kisses every offensive player after each play. Also, what kind of diapers do you think he is packing in preparation for the Bills DLine?”

I do find it strange that he has time to kiss all of those men after every play without incurring a delay of game penalty … they must practice that a lot. Obviously, he uses Ugg brand diapers which are made from the super absorbent pelts of baby seals.

@Buffalo_Trump asks, “Timid Tom will be running for his life with that LOW ENERGY O-line. How many sacks/pressures do you anticipate? I expect a BIGLY amount!”

Tremendous question, Mr. President! It’s an honor to me that you took the time to ask a question in my lowly mailbag! I suspect that Brady will not be sacked on Sunday, as he has five offensive lineman and seven men in stripes to help protect him …. it’s almost as if there is collusion. You know what I mean?

@BillsMafia617 asks, “With the Patriots rolling into Orchard Park on Sunday so early into the year, do you think Brady pack his Uggs in the event of snow? Also, will Brady be taking home his favorite back to New England?”

Brady never goes anywhere without his Uggs, much to Gisele’s embarrassment, and, yes, it’s a yearly tradition that Brady will bring home his favorite souvenir from the dildo bowl, as last year’s tool (if you will) is absolutely worn out by now.

@TheBillsBlues asks, “What do you hate most about Tom Brady? ugg wearer? he’s got a dumb face? he makes out with his kids?”

What I hate about Tom Brady is that he beats the Buffalo Bills … but that reign of terror stops this Sunday at 1 pm in Orchard Park, New York!

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Thanks for all the great questions! Be sure to give all of these lovely interrogators a follow on Twitter, and let’s Go Bills!