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The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: The Patriots!



It’s time, Bills Mafia, for another edition of the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! This week’s theme: The New England Cheatriots!

Before answering any questions this week, I drank an Edelman cocktail, which is made of two parts Southern Comfort, one part baked beans, eight parts human growth hormone (HGH), twelve parts recombinant human erythropoietin (EPO), a dash of anastrozole, muddled together with human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) … I feel … angry.

Now on to the questions!

@MsAFromBK asks,

Hi Ms. A! Well, this is tough. Let me see what I can come up with:

  • Superhero: Josh Allen, of course. Not all heroes wear capes, but all heroes look good in shorts. That’s a fact.
  • Villain: Jerry Hughes. Yes, Jerry seems like a nice guy, but that’s his ploy. In his spare time, he comes up with diabolical plots to sack his opponent’s cities and burn their hopes and dreams to the ground.
  • Vampire: Bill Belichick. He’s excellent when the lights are turned out, but when he comes to Orchard Park midday, his vampiric powers will be limited a great degree, and he will, as they say, suck.
  • Werewolf: Zach Moss. They tried to lock him up. They tried to keep him away from games, but something comes over Zach as he sees moonlight peeking out in the holes made by Feliciano …
  • Zombie: Josh Norman. He’s lived many lives. He’s seen things. And he has a voodoo doll of Cam Newton … unfortunately, he may go hungry on Sunday as he seeks brains.
  • Devil: Jordan Poyer. He’s beautiful, like Lucifer, smart, powerful, and he’ll take your soul if you try to throw his way.
  • Angel: Matt Milano. Patriots … your angel of death awaits! “Therefore, send not to know For whom the bell tolls, It tolls for thee.”
  • Wizard: Sean McDermott. This Sunday, Sean will unleash the full potential of the process. It is his faith in the process that gives him superhuman clapping ability. May the process be with you.
  • Ninja: Tre’Davious White. He’s been hanging back, lulling defenses into a false sense of security all season just for this game. Tre will use shurikens to strike down enemy passes and stealth to steal their goods.
  • Cowboy: Ed Oliver. Regulators! Mount up. We’re coming.
  • Clown: Mr. Cam Newton. Obviously. After the loss on Sunday where Ed Oliver has 27 sacks, Cam will release his new Barnum and Bailey clothing line.
  • Astronaut: Taron Johnson. Yes, he always wanted to go to space, and yes, his head is constantly in the clouds (easily distracted), but this Sunday, he’ll make one small step for Bills and one giant leap for Billskind!
  • Robot: Technically, he’s a robot Kaiju, like Mechagodzilla, but, of course, that is Tremaine Edmunds. He had his software updated this past week, and now he knows Kung Fu!
  • Ghost: Brian Winters. You can see him, but defensive ends and guards won’t feel him as they run through him.
  • Skeleton: Dane Jackson. He looks like a corporeal being under normal light, but he is actually an undying Viking from 1,000 years past. In the moonlight, his true form, that of a fierce Viking skeleton, shows itself.

@TCBills_Astro asks, “I’ve heard that the Patriots lead the league in drives ending in a turnover. What does Belichick prefer in his turnovers?”

See, it’s a common mistake that people think Belichick loves turnovers. In fact, he hates them, but his long-time girlfriend keeps making them, which is why Bill has a side-piece named Cincinnati … thus the saying, “We’re on to Cincinnati.”

@MsAFromBK asks, “What’s for lunch? Heard it’s some kinda Ham & Julienne something or other. What are we getting this Sunday? GO BILLS!!!”

Well, this Sunday’s menu starts with an appetizer of Asiasi followed by a second course of Tex-Rex and deep-fried Byrd. Izzo pasta with a pesto sauce is traditional followed by a main course of black forest Cam.

@SaveDave_1 asks, “With the game being right after Halloween, Will Cam Newton wear a Tom Brady mask to try and scare us and what shitty leftover candy will we save to give to NE?”

He’ll try to wear a Brady mask, but the indent from Tom’s butt chin will dig in, and he’ll toss it away without a care like so many interceptions coming Sunday. The Patriots, of course, will get a sack full of black licorice. Like the Pats, no one likes black licorice, and yet, it shows up every damn year.

@GMaclagan asks, “If Lincoln was cloned (has all the memories and skills of the original), and that clone ran for President against Brandon Beane, who would win the Presidential Race?”

Well, Brandon Beane would easily win the presidency if he wanted to … but he has much more important duties in Western New York. Plus, the media would just ignore him out of jealousy and intimidation due to his incredible balls.

@GMaclagan asks, “Who is the better Patriot: Ron Swanson or John Cena?”

Hmm. I don’t like this question. Both seem like decent guys, so neither would make a good patriot. Here is a short list of Americans who would fit in well in New England with Belichick: Whitey Bulger, H.H. Holmes, Ed Gein, John Wayne Gacy, and, worst of all, Barry Manilow!

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “With Brady and Gronk’s departure from the Patriots, the most loathed person left on their team is likely a tie between Edelman and Gilmore. What’s living in Jules’ beard?”

As science has clearly shown, the Coronavirus originated in Edelman’s unwashed, greasy, Dorito-filled beard. He was on a trip to the Wuhan province of China late last year and sneezed into an all you can eat fried bat buffet. Flecks of what scientists refer to as Chemical X landed in the “food” and the rest …. so they say, is history.

@FiveSixer asks, “What is on Bill Belichick’s favorite postgame Subway sub? And why is it very unappealing and inedible?”

Well, Belichick doesn’t actually like Sunway’s. In fact, he intentionally became a spokesperson to destroy the business as he knows no one likes him and his association would mean the death of the sandwich company! Why does he hate Subway so much? Because the 6″ and 3″ sub options make him feel … small.

@TableSlamFamily asks, “When will we finally see Jake Fromm in game action?”

After the first quarter of this game, the Bills will be up 91-0, and Allen will be brought out of the game. Fromm will enter and put up another 20 points. It will be the last time he ever plays in the NFL.

@Buffalo_Trump asks, “I don’t care what Fauci says, China virus or not, I will drink the tears of Patriots fans on Sunday! BELIEVE ME!”

What a surprise, Mr. President! Thanks for taking the time to ask … a question, of sorts. Yes, the Bills will win on Sunday. It will be tremendous because McDermott knows the best plays. As a Bills fan, this will surely be a comfort to you come Tuesday night.

@TheBillsBlues asks, “If these so-called “people” from New England were really “Patriots”, then why are the Dallas Cowboys called “America’s Team”, and why are they both lying to us? I WANT ANSWERS! I DEMAND JUSTICE!!! (or at least another drink)”

Have a drink, Mr. Blues! Calm your nerves. Of course, the mainstream media would like us to believe that New England is full of Patriots, but, of course, it is technically part of Canada. And Dallas is located in Texas, a place that loves to claim that it was a sovereign country outside of the United States. Globalists and people who hate America try to use fake polling to create this narrative and drive down the American reputation, but true Americans know that the Buffalo Bills are loved by over 95% of the people. The last five percent are KGB spies and agents of Barry Manilow. We all know the truth, and one day these fake news peddlers will have what they deserve … a reality show with Snookie, Donny and Marie, Gary Busey, and Donald Trump.

@DrunkatTheRalph asks, “Would the patriots even sell out games if fans were allowed in at this point?”

What? The Patriots have the best fanbase in the NFL, right? It’s not like before they started winning no one gave a damn about them and they almost moved to Hatford, Connecticut. Right?

Thanks for reading, and please give all of my lovely interrogators a follow! They are the best. Now, let’s go whip some Patriot ass on Sunday afternoon!