The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: The Future!

Before answering any questions this week, I consumed many many Jerry Colemans, which is a shot done from the hairy bellybutton of an extremely ugly, foul-smelling, and unpleasant person. I … I thought I knew what pain was …

This isn’t your average mailbag! This is for brave men and women had the police called on them for a noise violation after the Cody Ford “blindside block!” This is for those fans who donate money to Del Reid’s excellent causes and donate verbal ass-whippings to certain loser reporters! This is for those that already shnow … this isn’t the same ol’ Buffalo Bills! THIS is the Beef on Weck of Mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@DrowningPool86 asks, “Bit late, thanks whiskey hangover, but eyes ever focused on the future. The McBean Dynasty is off to a good start and this draft class is full of robust WR talent. Will the duo answer our prayers with another magic find like the Motor that could or will they buy into a hype pick?”

Well, I think that’s an absurd question. That’s like asking, “Does Sean McDermott still trust the process?” or “Is the Earth still spherical?” or “Did Tom Brady learn how to deepthroat in college?”

Of course, the answer is yes, they’ll make the right pick.

@JoeyV2988 asks, “When the Bills win the next 4 superbowls, how are we gonna fit all those names on the wall of fame at New Era Field?! I’ve seen that wall there isn’t enough room for Josh, Tre, McDermott, Motor, Micah, Poyer, Philips, Harry, Edmunds, Oliver, Morse, Hughes, Kyle, ZO, and the rest!”

See, now that is actually a problem. But to quote Kyle Williams, these guys play for the logo on the side of their helmet and not the name on their back. So, soon, the names will be taken down … all of them. And upon this faithful act, the Lord will create a new Valhalla just outside of the Ralph where worthy warriors will drink, laugh, and regale each other with stories for time neverending.

@BillsMafia111 asks, “What is jerry Coleman’s future in BFLO?”

Good Question. Well, seeing as Buffalo is the city of good neighbors and not the city of unself-aware asshat gargoyles, Mr. Coleman hasn’t had a past in Buffalo, does not have a present, and, unless he has a sort of Saul on the road to Damascus moment, I don’t see him ever having a future.

@TCBills_Astro asks, “When are we getting flying cars, dammit?

Seriously, if you Rip Van Winkled for, say, seven years (or one dog year), what will this franchise be like? What one unexpected thing do you notice?“

Great question as always, Dean. In seven years, this is what the team will look like:

• The Bills will, of course, still be playing at the Ralph, though a moat and drawbridge will be added as well as parapets to throw back the vengeance-fill Patriots fans, who will blame Buffalo for destroying their dynasty and getting the team moved to Montreal.
• In seven years, Josh Allen (already one of the world’s greatest economic thinkers), will release a paper to challenge everything we think about Keynesian and Hayekian economics and will be asked to become the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, but, of course, he will turn it down because he has so many years left to play.
• Motor Singletary will have just retired, having broken every major rushing record, and he will invent a new brand of car … a flying car, and Ford, Toyota, GM, and Honda will all be put out of business by this new Buffalo-based car industry.
• Kim Pegula will be elected to Congress … not as a donkey nor as an elephant, but as a Buffalo, and start a new party of concerned citizens who are, I dunno, NOT douche canoes.
• Matt Milano will be arrested at this point because he started an Italian restaurant and had his place featured on Guy Fieri’s show, Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. Matt only did this so he got the chance to flatten the irritating Californian, and so he did. When Matt was done with him, Guy was listening through a straw and drinking through his earhole.
• Finally, Trumaine Edmunds, charming and beautiful as he is, will become a movie star in the offseasons. He will star in the biggest summer blockbuster hits ever playing a fearsome Kaiju that emerges from the water to trample the streets of Boston and NYC.
• Oh. And Kyle Williams officially adopts Harrison Phillips.

@KiwiMutt asks, “How will Bills fans handle the excitement, enjoyment, and comfort the future holds when we no longer have the “Oh, no! Here it comes” reflex of the whole thing falling apart before the good part happens that we’ve dealt with for oh so long (apparently still, after Saturday)?”

We will always have that. It’s passion. And unlike certain other fanbases, #BillsMafia’s passion does not waver depending on the situation.

@GMaclagan asks, “Fine… We’ll make it easier for you. Which current Bills player is a Terminator from the future?”

Hmm. Good question, Mr. Lagan. Well, what are the signs of a Terminator? Doesn’t age, is freakishly strong, can work out for days without stopping, and maybe a lil’ scary at times? That’s Frank Gore, bro. He was sent back to our time to teach Devin Singletary and protect him … because Motor is the one who will lead the resistance.

@MsAFromBK asks, “What’s the best advice you have for Bills fans to ensure a happy & healthy future on this planet? What should we do & not do?”

In the future, scientists will document that the people of Buffalo are one of the healthiest people in the world. The scientific community will be flabbergasted by the long, full, lifespans of Bills Mafia because it shouldn’t make sense with the binge-drinking, the smashing through tables, the high-stress games, the dad bods, but they found one key variable that almost no other community showed, and it’s the only one that experts will be able to point to …

Buffalo people are good people, and Bills Mafia is family.

@MsAFromBK asks, “In the future, which current four players on the team will play all their years in Buffalo & retire as Buffalo Bills?”

OK, so all their years, meaning that they had to be drafted by the Bills. Let’s see:

• Obviously, the Kaiju, Trumaine Edmunds
• Josh Allen. Yuh.
• Tre’Davious White. He’s got to keep tabs on his academy.
• Tommy F$#&ing Sweeney!

@AdamZientek3 asks, “In 20 years when Josh Allen has 2 more Super Bowl victories than Tom Brady, should they make his statue out of pure gold or something cooler?”

Adam, unfortunately, I don’t think I can give a better answer than this guy:

Ridiculous question. It should obviously be made out of melted folding tables…and then covered in gold.

— Courtney Tripp (@courtneyTripp86) January 6, 2020

@GMaclagan asks, “Let’s say hypothetically, all the big name stars become free agents this upcoming offseason. Which player would you want signed? Money is no issue but you only get 1 signee”

Tom Brady … we’ll put him on the practice squad.

@JasonCWolfe asks, “What are other franchises who went the WRONG direction when they were in similar positions as Bills are now? What did they do? What cautionary tales should we be mindful of?”

They got cute. They brought in knuckleheads like Suh and trash like Jalen Ramsey. Bad teams make inexcusable decisions like drafting Baker Mayfield or hiring Adam “powders his nose” Gase or hiring Matt Patricia.

But you know what the real problem is? They don’t trust the process.

@MsAFromBK asks, “Seems the NFL is not letting players tackle each other or hit the QB. How do you think it will change in the future: Will they change the game & make it like flag football or will they change the uniforms & everybody on the field will be like the boy in the bubble? 😂😂😂”

Actually, you’re wrong about this. Once Tom Brady retires, the league will notice a sudden dearth of bitching, whining, and crying on the field, and so, the need to “protect” players will go away, and so, football will go back to what it once was: a tough game for tough people.

@BrianRossignol1 asks, “I seen too many and had my own bad takes since the playoff loss. How do we get better?”

Brian. I hear you, bro, but it’s our job, as fans, to have bad takes. It shows we care. The key is that McDermott and Beane do not have bad takes.

To do better? Well, we can always do more for our community. A lot of Bills Mafia members need support, whether emotionally, psychologically, or financially. Buffalo is great because the people of Buffalo are good. That’s how we do better.

@FiveSixer asks, “Who will be our biggest rival in the future once the AFC East is ours out-and-out every season? The other teams in our division will be perpetually rebuilding and envying The Process, but league-wide who plays the villain in our Super Bowl hero stories? #DrunkenMailbag”

Well, great question, Norb. Obviously no other single team will be able to defeat us head to head, so they will attempt to band together and pool their talent to try to compete, but even that will fail. The real enemy will come from within like Lucifer wanting to be like God. Someone in the organization, jealous of Beane, McDermott, the Pegulas, and Josh Allen’s shorts will try to destroy the Bills from within. Luckily, Lorenzo Alexander will be brought back to town to investigate, gumshoe style, and he will, in his pure ways, be able to spot the villain, confront him, and form tackle him into submission.

Turns out one of Belichick’s ugly sons will kidnap Jerry Coleman and dress like him to be able to get inside the Bills Lockerroom as a press agent. No one will notice the switch because no one ever wanted to look at Jerry’s face. After Zo apprehends the Belichick plot, a posse of Kyle Williams, Zo, Bruce Smith, and Daryl Talley will round up the remaining Belichicks.

As a final punishment, they will be bound with the chain “Angainor,” their Iron Crowns beaten into collars for their necks, and they will be thrust through the Door of Night into the Timeless Void. The two remaining Silmarils will be recovered from Bill, and they will be placed in rings of power for Marv Levy and Sean McDermott.

@GMaclagan asks, “When the owners build a new stadium in the near future, what features would YOU want added to it?”

No new stadiums. No domes. No bullshit that looks good for a couple of years so we can get one Super Bowl in there maybe and then it’s old news. We need history. We need the Ralph. Make updates, sure, like a beer tap and urinal at every seat, so you never have to get up from the game, but I do not want a new stadium.

@OMGits_Venom asks, “Out of our FA in what order would you rank in order of the Bills needing to keep or let go”

In order of who I would keep:

• Quinton Spain: continuity on the line is everything
• Kevin Johnson: showed out well this season
• LaAdrian Waddle: he’ll be inexpensive coming off an injury, good depth player
• Jordan Phillips: wouldn’t break the bank, but he’d be a solid rotational guy
• Shaq Lawson: this one is all about price. I like Shaq, but we’d be foolish to overpay him as more than a backup DE.

@IAmTheNizz asks, “When the Bills win the Super Bowl next year, should Josh Allen shout out Jerry Coleman as he raises the Super Bowl MVP as well?”

Josh Allen thinks about the likes of Jerry Coleman like Godzilla does about the people he’s about to step on. Come on. Josh, surrounded by his teammates, will raise the Lombardi, give a wink and point to Sean, then look up to one of the boxes where Marv Levy will be sitting, and Josh will say, “Where else would you rather be than right here, right now?”

@TheBillsBlues asks, “If the answer to when will then be now is soon, then how soon will then be now and when will the Bills win the damn Super Bowl already? No, you’re drunk!”

As I am from the future, they have already won many many Super Bowls. We lost count after 40. So, then is now is soon … have another beer. It’ll make more sense.

@StephieTweets asks, “Will Jerry Coleman unblock me in the future?”

Sadly, Stephie, yes. In the coming weeks, after a thrashing from Bills Mafia, he will unblock you and slide into your DMs, hoping that maybe, just maybe, you’ll pity this gollum-like creature enough to show him some attention. He will use his greatest charm on you, which is mainly calling you a loser. DO NOT FALL FOR HIS CHARM, STEPHIE! I BEG YOU!

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “When we undoubtedly make it to the Super Bowl next year, how many consecutive will we go to, and how many wins in a row can we expect? We’re overdue after all and the universe and the refs owe us.”

Well, it will be a solid ten in a row, but the refs will still try to cheat us, and the universe will come @ us and fail, but after ten years, the Bills will take a year off for team-bonding, process-trusting, and baby-making. The Bills Practice Squad will play instead and make it to the AFC championship game.

@SaveDave_1 asks, “Once the rules were clearly stated.. What do you think the conversation was like between the refs after the TD/non-TD fumble return on the Kickoff. I’ll start…. “yea but…”

REF 1: Yeah, but, so you were talking to Tom?
REF 2: Oh, it was amazing!
REF 1: Did … did he say anything about me maybe?
REF 1: Why?

[BACKUP REF ENTERS]

BACKUP REF: Yeah, why? Do you like him?
REF 1: No! (giggles) Well, maybe.
REF 2: He is a cutie patootie!
BACKUP REF: More like a dreamboat!

[AT THAT POINT, THE THREE REFS JOINED HANDS AND JUMPED AND LAUGHED SPUN IN A CIRCLE, AND THE BILLS GAME AND THE CALL WERE SOON FORGOTTEN.]

@MattHenry92 asks, “If you went into the future and they needed a mix drink named after McDermott and one after josh Allen what would be in it and what are the names of each drink”

Sean McDermott’s drink will just have one ingredient: Process

The Josh Allen is a more complex cocktail:

• Two shots of pure testosterone
• The gunpowder grains from a .357 magnum cartridge
• Two shots of Moonshine distilled in game-worn shorts
• A wedge of cantaloupe on the edge of the glass

@PammaDonna asks, “I was just thinking the other day about this….well in a different scenario. The shout song is for the fans (albeit old)..I think the team needs a fire up song like other teams do. To play right before 4th. What should that song be? #BillsMafia #GoBills #Bills” and @BobGiann asks, “Dear Adam, Been a Bills fan since the 70s, but have to admit … Really, really dislike the Shout song. How many signatures would I need to change our anthem to Feels So Good by Chuck Mangione?”

OK. Well, thanks for the questions. Chuck Mangione is a solid pick, but there is only one choice for the song, and that is because it was inspired by Josh Allen.

Meghan Trainor, upon first seeing Josh Allen in shorts, reasonably fainted, but when she came to, she was inspired to write “All About That Bass.” It’s the perfect song because Allen, truly, is bringing booty back. I mean, read these lyrics and tell me they weren’t written specifically about our boy, Josh:

“Yeah, it’s pretty clear, I ain’t no size two
But I can shake it, shake it, like I’m supposed to do
‘Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places

@Jack_WanderS asks, “Looking into the future what 1 player UFA do the Bills retain and whats 1 UFA do they go out and get to improve our roster? Not an off the wall Question this week but important none the less.”

Keep: Spain
Get: Robert Quinn (on the cheap)

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “If you had a DeLorean time machine, how far in the future would you travel to see how Josh Allen has developed (or even to see if he’s still the Bills QB)?”

Well, I went 20 years out thanks to the @BillsMafiaBabes and their Delorean, and he was still playing at the top of his game. He’d also become a world championship prizefighter, a renowned economist, a tremendous lover (according to many many many sources I met), and a friend of puppies all across the nation. Of course, when he put out his own brand of shorts, Nike, Reebok, Adidas, and Under Armor went out of business immediately, so he makes so much money from that, he donates all of his check to Lorenzo Alexander’s Aces Foundation, a good cause if I ever saw one.

In fact, if you want to donate for our (and the) Walter Payton Man of the Year’s charity, click here!

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Thank you to all of my lovely interrogators! Be sure to give them a follow on Twitter, and let’s kill it this offseason! Go Bills!