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The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Thanksgiving!

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So, this week was Thanksgiving week! And in that spirit, I put out for holiday questions for this week’s Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag!

Before answering any questions this week, I made a traditional turkey gravy with homemade turkey stock (from the vertebrae {spatchcocking is the way to go}), some flour, spices, drippings, and a 5th of Buffalo Trace whiskey! Now, that’s a thicc cocktail! I call it the Josh Allen in shorts! As we prepare to face off against the Chargers at 1 pm, let’s take a look at some things to be thankful for this year!

Now on to the questions …

@TheBillsBlues asks, “What is a Thanksgiving? If you are referring to my favorite Holiday, “Dranksgiving”, I want to know what is your favorite dish from our beloved Holiday.”

1) Vodka infused Cranberries
2) Tito’s & Turkey
3) Stoli’s & Stuffing
4) Gin & Gravy
5) Bourbon Butternut Squash

Well, Mr. Blues. I also partake in the traditional feast of Dranksgiving. It has proud roots and rich traditions including carving the finger, stuffing the bird (British ladies are very welcome at Dranksgiving!), pre-game UTI cranberry saucing, and complaining incoherently to friends and family members. Ah, is there anything more festive and heartwarming than stumbling drunkenly into a lit fireplace? To answer your question, all of your answers are fantastic (though you left out pumpkin spice pina colada), but it’s about the Dranksgiving spirit, the fisticuffs with friends and family over politics, the purging of the spirit and the stomach to commemorate a day to be thankful for. That’s what Dranksgiving is all about!

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@GMaclagan asks, “Who’s at the Head of the Table, carving up the turkey and serving it? Allen? Beane? McDermott?”

Well, this is a silly question. Of course, Marv Levy, the patriarch, the man who leads men, carves the turkey and leads the Bills in a traditional Thanksgiving prayer, but he only does so after telling the tales of those halcyon days of yore when the Patriots were so bad, they almost moved to Connecticut, the Dolphins were the bitter and talented rivals just begging to be squished every year, and the Jets were … well … about the same. Sean McDermott is given an important role, though. He helps in the kitchen and adds process powder to every dish all while wearing only an apron that is three sizes too small with the words, “Kiss the Coach” stitched across the front.

@Jack_WanderS asks, “I enjoy the thanksgiving games but wish it wasn’t always the lions. If you had the choice +the NfL came & asked, would you want the Bills on every Thanksgiving? If not, who would you replace the Lions w ever year? I only say the Lions cuz we all know Jerry wont let NFL remove Dallas.”

Sir, I lived in Detroit for many years. The Lions do not have much. That town has been through enough, and they started this whole Thanksgiving Day football every year back in 1934. They did the work. They deserve to keep playing on Thanksgiving every year, and trying to take that away is like trying to take away Sam Darnold’s binky: not very nice.

Respect history. Respect the process. And respect the pain that poor Lions fans have been through. I mean, look at Nate Asper, our Buffalo Bills Outsider and Lions fan! That is a broken and sad, sad man. Don’t take that one good thing away from him.

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@SaveDave_1 asks, “Unfortunately I will be staying home this thanksgiving… who can I get drunk with. If I was able to have a Zoom meeting with some Bills players to drink with, who should be on this call, why, and what are they drinking?”

Well, since Coach McDermott only allows the current players to drink slightly fermented process juice, none of them will be a great time to drink with. (Note: Process Juice is non-alcoholic, but the players like to pretend they’re drinking the real stuff, and coach plays along.) No, the ideal choice, was, of course, Buffalo Bills great, Elbert Dubenion! He passed away in 2019, but he could drink a camel under the table and regale you with tales of his mighty deeds from catching footballs in the NFL to why he got the nickname “Golden Wheels” to his integral role in defeating the fascist scourge in the 40s to inventing the sexual revolution of the 60s and even finally putting Barry Manilow in his place!

Truly, Elbert will be missed. Maybe talk to Sam Darnold. He might know how to get ahold of his ghost ….

@MsAFromBK asks, “Which Bills players would make the perfect Thanksgiving meal? Who’s the star of the show, Mr. Turkey? Who’s the mashed potato? the gravy? the cranberry sauce? the stuffing, the casserole, the biscuit? pumpkin pie? extras? You write the menu & I’ll create the meme” and @BillsMafiaBabes asks, “Everyone has their favorite side dish. Pair up the bird, stuffing, mashed potatoes, candied yams, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce and pies, with the Bill they most remind you of.”

Hello, Ms. A! Well, as we have talked about many times, cannibalism is frowned on in our society, and it is not OK to eat Buffalo Bills players. Still, were I to suggest doing so, here would be the man-meat menu du jour:

  • Turkey: I mean, this is obviously Josh Allen. You’ve seen him in shorts. Can you imagine how tasty that dark meat would be?
  • Mashed Potatoes: Tre-Davious White because he can mash potato! (He can mash potatoes!) He can do the twist! (He can do the twist!) So tell him, baby, (Tell him, baby! Do you like it like this? (Do you like it like this?)
  • Gravy: Jon Feliciano is the obvious choice. He’s fatty, decadent, smooth, and goes so well with mashing.
  • Cranberry Sauce: Brian Winters. No one except Thanksgiving hipsters really like what he brings to the table, but … somehow, he just keps showing up to every meal.
  • Stuffing: Star Lotulelei. Yes, he’s not playing this season, but the man is all about the stuffing. Sure, he’s got ridiculous ingredients like celery and even raisins sometimes (Why?!), and, like stuffing, you don’t realize what you’ve missed until he’s not there.
  • Green Bean Casserole: Devin “Motor” Singletary. Why? Cause your Aunt likes him. He’s a nice kid, and she always brings him around.
  • Biscuit: Cody Ford. If any man on the team is a biscuit, it’s this gentle giant: buttery and thicc.
  • Pumpkin Pie: Ed Oliver. Should be good. Lots of pomp and circumstance and people love him … but really, a bit overrated.

@Pit27Dog asks, “What is the sufficient amount of alcohol to bring and consume during Thanksgiving Day?”

Ah, good question! Let’s see …

So, start by calculating the angle of the sun at the autumn equinox, multiply by pi, divide by the radius of the Earth, apply the Pythagorean Theorem, and divide by Newton’s universal law of gravitation, and you get …

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@FrayJay1 asks, “Why is it the turkey can drink beer starting at 7am in the smoker but I can’t start with it? I thought the rule was never let a friend drink alone?”

Mr. Jay. Are you and the turkey really friends? I bet you don’t even know his last name. #beBetter #turkeysArePeopleToo

@TheYoungish asks, “Why is there ALWAYS that one family member that gets visibly upset if someone doesn’t try their dish? Like Aunt Deb, it’s nothing personal, I just don’t like ANYONE’S casserole.”

Well, Mr. Youngish … I don’t know how to tell you this, but Aunt Deb is trying to end you. She makes a disgusting dish so as to no one else will be harmed, but she uses guilt on you so you will imbibe her special poisonous concoction!

Why does she want to poison you, Mr. Youngish? Well … you’ve just got one of those faces you just want to poison, you know? Frankly, I can’t blame her. I’m with Aunt Deb on this one.

@BeardedPhotog24 asks, “Redo Da Vinci’s last supper with current Bills players!”

Mr. Photog, while I appreciate your famous meal enthusiasm, I don’t see how this anything to do with Thanksgiving … unless of course, you’re arguing that the Last Supper was somehow a precursor to America’s Thanksgiving tradition! It would also explain why there’s always someone I’m at the table with who secretly wants to crucify me.

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@TheMayShow29 asks, “Is homemade Mac n cheese a casserole? This is a debate in my family…”

Many versions of Mac n’ Cheese are not a casserole. But if it is baked in the oven for more than 15 minutes in a casserole dish, I’m sorry, but it is (in fact) a casserole. And, frankly, as casseroles go, it’s not so bad. I know this because I am on the Imperial Board of American Casseroles, a proud organization integral to the invention of pot lucks, white elephant gift exchanges, and butt floss (a failed dietary aid).

@FiveSixer asks, “Your drunk uncle is also a Pats fan. What and how much does he have to drink before you can convince him the Bills are better and the Pats dynasty is over?”

But of advice, Mr. Sixer: don’t waste your alcohol by giving it to Patriots fans. That does not end well. Alcohol already lowers IQ points …

@TCBills_Astro asks, “Which Thanksgiving food gets the first down? Which Thanksgiving food do you pass? Who has the better run game: gravy or egg nog? Will canned cranberry sauce be able to get separation?”

Ooh! A very fair question, Dean. Let’s see …

  • First Down: If mashed potatoes don’t get the first down call, it would be like not handing off to Marshawn Lynch near the end zone in the Super Bowl … not that that would ever happen.
  • Food you Pass: Look, I love food, and I love Thanksgiving, but I pass on a lot of dishes, as I can only fit in so much food. Here are some foods to pass: anything with raisins, cornbread, stuffing, any non-fruit pie (including pumpkin, though pumpkin is a fruit), any salad, and any dish you’ve never heard of that your Southern girlfriend is way too excited for you to try. No, I do not want apple pie with cheddar cheese, Candice!
  • Run Game: Gravy or Egg Nog? Gravy does matriculate down the field, for sure, but enough egg nog will blow holes through seams and leave streaks all the way to the end zone!
  • Cranberry Sauce Separation: to me, cranberry sauce creates amazing separation. In fact, I’ve made many business decisions when face to face with that gelatinous goo.

@ChefBake14 asks, “Josh Allen, Stefon Diggs, Tre White. Who sits at the Adult Table, so sits at the kids’ table and who do you trust with the cans of reddi whip?”

Allen and Diggs sit at the kids’ table, for sure. Allen practices his drawings of Buffalo-related logos while Diggs plays hot potato with Cole Beasley. Tre White sits at the grumpy old man table next to Leslie Frazier. The two of them moan and lament like Statler and Waldorf how young people these days don’t know how to be a shutdown corner anymore.

You can’t trust Matt Barkley with Reddi-wip. The last Thanksgiving he got his hands on it, he tried to scalp that delicious treat for Bitcoins.

@BeardedPhotog24 asks, “If Diggs was a thanksgiving side dish what would he be?”

Lasagna. Like this delicious dish, people said he wouldn’t fit, but when it’s served next to Turkey and soaked croutons, everybody wants a piece.

@BrianRossignol1 asks, “Sitting a 7-3, a bye week and holiday festivities to swallow, how THIRSTY Are You to run the primetime gamut?”

Mr. Rossignol, I am thirsty. I am as thirsty for it as I was for attention during my yoga-pants themed Instagram-influencer phase … I’m not proud of it.

@LiamTheLost asks, “Can Josh Allen throw a turkey leg 100 yards? Do you think wearing a turkey on your head would be safer than wearing a helmet?”

Well, Liam, you truly seem lost based on that question because, obviously, Josh Allen can throw anything over 100 yards … except his voice. Ventriloquism classes never took for him.

And your question about turkeys as helmets is an apt one, as the NFL has been researching that for years. In fact, they are so excited about this possible breakthrough that they hired a turkey as commissioner and gave him the silly name, Roger. Ha. Roger.

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@BeardedPhotog24 asks, “What if I get the Turkey drunk and IM baked?”

These are my wonderful questioners ….


Thanks for all of the amazing questions! Be sure to follow these hilarious interrogators on Twitters, and I hope you all had a lovely holiday! Now let’s go Bills!

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