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The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Super Bowl!!!

It’s time again, Bills Mafia, for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! This week’s theme, since we’re about to blow through these playoffs, is, of course, the Super Bowl!



Before answering any questions this week, I was informed by @DrowningPool86 that the Abbot Road Cocktail is the official mixed drink of the Buffalo Bills, so I made an Abbot Road Cocktail for every disappointment I’ve ever had as a Bills fan … I’m fine. Totally fine.

This isn’t your average mailbag! This is for those fans who know down deep Duke Williams is really just a more talented version of Jerry Rice! This is for those brave men and women who have already blocked Marc Miller on Twitter! This is for those that have written their Congressmen and Congresswomen to make Tre’Davious White the DPOY! THIS is the beef on weck of mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@Jack_Wanders asks, “Entering a 1st round playoff matchup w Houston: if you could go back to the Bills superbowl era, more notably the ’93 comback game what 1 Bills player would you take off that roster to play in this game, and whose spot does he take? (Keep in mind 12 +97 didnt play that game)”

Woof. There are so many good options for this question, but, though he didn’t really play that year, my man was on the roster, so I’m going to go with Kurt Schulz. This DB from Eastern Washington played years for the Bills, and though he couldn’t cover a lick, he could thump the hell out of anyone coming across the middle. Schulz was one of my favorite Bills to watch growing up, and, yeah, he’d be the one I take …

All the steroids and HGH ain’t gonna save you, Edelman, when Kurt Schulz sees you coming across the middle.

@BeCoolFool asks, “Is it Funny that our first Superbowl was in Tampa and this Year’s is in Miami you think coincidence I think not!! #WideRightRedemption #FlordiaBound #PanchosArmy #VivaLosBills”

Coincidence? No. Providence? Yes. Obviously, this is God’s will, as he is a Buffalo Bills fan.

@IAmTheNizz asks, “If the theme is Super Bowl this week.. What would the theme be for when we are in the Super Bowl? 😎. Thank you for doing this all season as well, Adam. Glad I came across this during the season.”

Thanks, Mr. Nizz! Well, obviously, in the Wildcard round, if the theme is Super Bowl, we’ll have to ramp it up next week. Maybe next week, the Buffalo Bills win the Presidency of the United States (voted in as a team), and the week after that? World domination.

@DrowningPool86 asks, “Did you know that the signature Bills mixed drink is The Abbot Road Cocktail? Well now that you do, how many are we drinking at the Super Bowl?”

Well, I’m not really a cocktail kind of guy, generally, but in this case, I will take part and have already taken part. See above …

@GMaclagan asks, “When the Bills win the big one, who’s the first person you’re going to ‘told you so?'”

Dang. Good question. There are so many I want to call out from the idiot, Skip Bayliss, to Bill Simmons to pretty much every NFL media member …

But I think I’ll go find my third-grade teacher, Ms. Stone, who is probably well into her 70s. She said I was irritating and wouldn’t amount to anything in life, well … WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME NOW, MS. STONE?! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME NOW?!

@GMaclagan asks, “If/when the Bills win the Super Bowl, what part of Miami’s stadium are you “acquiring” for your Bills memorabilia collection? A seat? Chunk of the goal post? The headset from the announcer’s booth?”

Great question! Hmm. This is a tough one. All of your suggestions are good, but I think I’m going to “acquire” Don Shula. I will bring him to Marv Levy in chains and say, “I’ve finally caught the bastard. What should I do with him?”

Marv will grin, as he does, take hold of the leash I am using to drag ol’ Shula around, and he’ll say in a calm, gentle voice, “Leave him to me.”

As I am leaving, the door will shut behind me. I’ll hear Don Shula whimpering and crying, and I’ll hear Marv Levy say to Don in a serious tone, “Where else would you rather be than right here, right now?”

@FiveSixer asks, “When the Bills win the Super Bowl, will we still have to trust the process, or will there be a new process? And what would that new process look like?”

Well, of course, you’ll still have to trust the process. You can’t boil down the process to one thing or another. To quote Sean McDermott:

Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Process, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Process around you; here, between you, me, the big tree, the Ralph, everywhere, yes. Even between the team and Bills Mafia.

Sean McDermott, age 5

@Bobos__Toupee asks, “Since we will be playing in the Super Bowl in Miami for this season what do you think Coach McDermott will wear swim trunks or a thong when he hits the beach?”

He’ll wear those sorts of tight shorts like James Bond did, except they’ll be three sizes too small … Miami police will be called, as people will call it indecent, but women (and men) from miles around will come to get a taste of Sean. Of course, Sean, as a married man, will shoo them away and say, “Get thee behind me, Belichicks! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of the Process, but on the things of cheaters.”

The crowd will eventually disperse, but everyone will remember what they saw that day.

@RyanHickman84 asks, “Main question: Should we be more excited this year or next year with the big salary cap and a more experienced QB?”

… Mr. Hickman. You disappoint me. There is only this year.

@AdamZientek3 asks, “What would be your all-time bills offense for a Super Bowl team. You can poach any players from any era”

Dang. That’s tough. Let me quick run through my ideal team … offensive line:

LT: Will Wolford
LG: Ruben Brown
C: Kent Hull (tough one)
RG: Jon Feliciano (I just like this guy)
RT: Jason Peters

WR1: Eric Moulds
WR2: John “Smoke” Brown
Slot: Andre Reed

TE1: Tommy Sweeney (obviously)
TE2: Pete Metzelaars

FB: Larry Centers
RB: Fred Jackson (I know! Blasphemy! But put Fred on a good team and see what happens.)

QB: Josh Allen (Why? Have you even seen Jim Kelly in shorts? Enough said.)

@AdamZientek3 asks, “What’s your dream Super Bowl matchup? If conferences were non-existent who would you like to see Josh Allen take down in shorts at the big game?”

Dang. Great question. But it has to be against the Tom Brady led Pats, right? I’d love to see that, or maybe, I’d like to see Allen dominate Big Mouth Baker Mayfield and his crew of talkers. Thing is, we’re about to be in so many Super Bowls, we’ll get a chance to see the Bills be victorious against a myriad of teams. I’ve got my popcorn ready. Do you?

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “When the Bills win their first Super Bowl, who will be the first player on the team to have a statue built in their honor, and where will said statue be located? So many options, next to Ralph, Shark Girl, the list goes on…”

Oh. Great question, babes. Well, the plans for this statue have already been drawn up. It will be a statue of Big Baller Brandon Beane, and he will be placed in the bathroom of the opposing team. He’ll be facing the urinals with his arms crossed, and so, the other team will have to pee with him watching them. Of course, they’ll feel inadequate in the presence of a man with such big … fortitude, so they won’t be able to urinate, and their manhood will be in question throughout the game.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “The Bills pull it off & win the ring. Obviously you have been partying all day & then celebrate into the wee hours of the morning. What is the oddest piece of Super Bowl championship memorabilia you purchase before you pass out smiling?”

All I would ask is to simply touch the hem of Josh Allen’s shorts …

I’ll say to myself, “If only I touch his shorts, I will be awesome!”

Josh will turn to me and say, “Take courage, brother!” He’ll say, “Your trust in the process has made you cool.” And I will then be awesome from that very hour. Amen.

@TCBills_Astro asks, “Are the Pegulas contemplating the construction of a domed, flying stadium to enter the bidding for a Buffalo Super Bowl? What shape will it be? How will tailgating work? Who will drive it?”

Guh. First of all, no domes! No domes, people! The Vikings went to four Super Bowls before they had a dome. With a dome? None. I hope we stay at the Ralph (and that is its name) for the next 50 years.

But if we had to have this amazing flying dome, let’s see:

Well, first of all, the NFL still wouldn’t have a Super Bowl in Buffalo. They’re too skerred that every fan of every team would see Buffalo in all of its glory, abandon their current fandom, move to the city of good neighbors, and join Bills Mafia.

In terms of tailgating, Obviously, folding tables would need to be rocket-powered, and tailgaters would be provided with jetpacks. Hovergrills would surround the flying stadium, and anti-gravity beer koozies would be dispensed from points all around the dome. Flying Wagons filled with cured meats will circle the stadium.

The dome, shaped like a Buffalo gracefully soaring through the clouds, will be driven by none other than Chris Berman … now he can circle those wagons.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “The Vikings play the Bills in the Super Bowl so you know the Saturday before is the last one of Earth’s existence. What do you do with that time?”

I find Marv Levy, bring him some lemon bars, and sit on the floor as he regales me with stories of times passed until the end arrives.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “If The Team that Shall Not Be Named from Massachusetts fails to earn a place in the Super Bowl, will the state declare independence & denounce the game of football forever?”

Pssh. No. The fans don’t really care that much. I grew up in New England, and nobody gave a damn about the Patriots before they started winning. They’ll just go back to their front-running ways, and the Patriots will be forgotten and drift away like a fart in the wind.

Forgotten, Kyle Van Noy will become aimless and depressed and write a short-lived pop tune with the lyrics, “All we are is farts in the wind … “

@StephieTweets asks, “Where do you think Warren Moon is at these days?”

I suspect that he was in the most recent Star Wars franchise. That dude is cool, and I can’t help but wonder what he’d look like in a particular kind of wig …

Is it possible that Warren Moon is Billy Dee Williams? IS IT POSSIBLE BILLY DEE WILLIAMS IS WARREN MOON?!

Thanks for all the great questions, Bills Mafia! Please give these lovely interrogators a follow on Twitter, and let’s go whip those Texans on Saturday!