The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Something’s Fishy!

Before answering any questions this week, I drank a six-pack of a Florida-based craft brew named “Fish Sauce!” The doctor says I should be back on my feet in four to six weeks.

This isn’t your average mailbag! This is the mailbag for those fans that commit atrocities to fish twice a year without hesitation. This is for those brave men and women that know the Buffalo Bills never tank … we just suck sometimes. This is for those that still love Ryan Fitzpatrick, but when he puts on that Miami uniform, it’s over. This is the beef on weck of mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@Bobos__Toupee asks, “Question for coach Flores: How difficult was it to lose to the Washington Redskins? What play would you say put you over the top? Also, will the bang bros bang bus be a permanent thing at dolphin games since it’s the only thing worth coming to the stadium for?”

Well, that’s an excellent question, Mr. Toupee. Unfortunately, I am not Coach Flores, and this alleged video you found of me inside this alleged bus is a deep fake, OK?! Fake news, if I ever saw it.

@Pammadonna asks, “Is the fish fry Sunday going to be baked……or fried?”

I think, technically, a fish fry would have to, well, be fried. Though I’m certain there will be plenty of baked fish fans … it makes the games more fun like watching a movie so bad it’s good.

@DrowningPool86 asks, “Jesus, did you see that one dudes Fishy Referees question? I’m too many Jager Bombs in to top that one. I’d like to use my time to stand and clap.”

I like the way you work, Senor Pool.

@BillsJM asks, “What phase are currently in regarding the Fitzmagic cycle and what should we expect this week?”

Hmm. Let’s see. Usually, Fitzy has five decent games and then he falls apart. Unfortunately, this year, he’s had maybe one decent game, so the cycle and formula do not seem to have worked. I think the reason is that when Thurman Thomas played for the Fish in 2000, he didn’t go to play. No, whilst there, he laid down some deep magic, some children of the forest kind of shit to prevent any future magic for Miami and its teams. This deep magic has had the effect of negating Fitzy’s magic, and so, the cycle is broken. Essentially, these are some unmagical ass fish. And, yes, I said ass fish.

@MsAFromBK asks, “The Phins smell fishy✔️ … but what do the other teams on our schedule smell like after week 6?

• Eagles
• Redskins
• Browns
• Broncos
• Cowboys
• Ravens
• Steelers
• Pats
• Jets
• Buffalo“

Ooh! Tough question. Let’s see …

• Eagles = America in decline … sad days
• Redskins = Bruce Allen’s Thera-Gesic ointment
• Browns = A big, steamy BM (or, a Baker Mayfield as I learned it in health class)
• Broncos = Delicious and savory European horse meat
• Cowboys = Cowboys. Essentially, cow shit and old meat. Some ladies like it.
• Ravens = Edgar Allen Poe after writing a poem, drinking his normal daily allotment, and doing a 10K
• Steelers =
• Pats = Smugness? Does being smug have a smell? That smell. I’m guessing it would smell a little like George Clooney. Nice to look at, not to smell. Don’t @ me, Clooney, baby!
• Jets = The smell of burning jet fuel, charred human flesh, tiny bags of peanuts roasting, and a kilo of cocaine conspicuously marked “A. Gase.” Weird.
• Buffalo = Freedom. Freedom and happiness and whatever smell it was that allowed our boys to cross the Atlantic and defeat the nazi scourge.

@MsAFromBK asks, “If the Phins were named after an actual fish & not a sea mammal, which fish would be best to describe them in 2019 & why? If the Phins were named after a land mammal which fishy-smelling mammal would they be named after & why?“

Damn. Really difficult question. I had to consult a zoologist friend of mine who suggested the famous explosive diarrhea fish native to the shores of Austria. In terms of land mammals, my friend suggested the Chihuahua … because they’re terrible.

@AdamZientek3 asks, “What’s more FISHY: Robert Kraft opening a spa or trusting the refs to call an honest game?”

Adam. Who do you think the customers of the spa would be? Hmm?

@FiveSixer asks, “How fishy should we expect the refereeing to be on Sunday? Solid White Albacore In Water, or Chunk Light Tuna In Oil? Or are we stuck with the mystery tuna salad, made with who knows what??”

Oh, I think we’re going beyond that. I think we’re talking beyond sad and stinky and into something tragic and illegal. I expect a sort of fish matty made of Western North Pacific Grey Whale, of which, there are only about 100 left on the planet.

Goodell, you maniac! You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to hell!

@MattHenry92 asks, “What’s more fishy NFL officiating or the Dolphins just not trying to win a game?”

I mean, it’s debatable if the Dolphins have been trying to win games for years. Then again, the officials have kind of sucked big balls for years as well … Hmm. I’m going to go with Tom Brady’s longevity whilst under the care of a special doctor and on a team that has a lot of PED violations? I dunno. Kinda fishy.

@Taylor_DeGeorge asks, “Would the Dolphins be worse if they were actual dolphins? I heard they are real smart and no one in that organization seems to be!”

Well, of course, Taylor. Native Floridians actually have a hatred for Dolphins as they often shout at them from the docks and bridges, “You think you’re better than me?!” Which they are. This sort of prejudice, though, has prevented Dolphins brass from hiring any of our aquatic mammal friends. See kids? Don’t hate. You just end up hurting yourself.

@BillsMafia617 asks, “After this season will Sea World scrap the fins and rename their franchise The Walruses?”

Not wanting to be associated with anything so ugly or stupid looking, the WAADL, or the Walrus-American Anti-Defamation League, has already filed a suit about this suggestion. It would take years of litigation for the team to make this move. I think it’s highly unlikely.

@Jack_Wanders asks, “What fishy thing could happen to give the Dolphins any semblance of a chance in this one….aside from Allen throwing 5 ints, or some travis henry halfback option catastrophe? What do the Bills have to do to make sure the Fish dont hang around or have any hope on sunday?”

I’ve done the calculations, and for the Dolphins to win, there would need to be some sort of temporal flux and a wormhole through which the Borg in their cube would translate into our time and space and into the Dolphins stadium. At which point, if the Dolphins were to be assimilated and not singlehandedly take the Borg down with their ineptitude, they …

Nope. They’re still going to lose.

@Buffalo_Trump asks, “Nothing is more fishy than sleepy Joe Biden and his sons business dealings. But if you had to choose what is fishier, would you choose the obvious attempt to mask a tank this year by Miami or the BIGLY favoritism the league shows tug boy Kraft and the Patriots?”

It’s an honor, Mr. President to have you on this mailbag! Tremendous question. Very very good, the best questions from you.

I don’t know that the Dolphins tactics are altogether fishy. I mean, hell, the Jets have been doing this for 50 years! I did find it strange, though, that Rudy Giuliani is now Robert Kraft’s personal lawyer. Something seems strange about that,

@TheBillsBlues asks, “Which of the below sounds the fishiest to you?

1.) getting a smooch (and mono) from Sam “Kissy Fish” Darnold
2.) Robert Kraft getting a “fish foot” massage
3.) a gaze from Adam “fish eyes” Gase
4.) Dolphins shipping out their star left (bait &) tackle
5.) Ryan Fishpatrick“

Wow! All sound pretty fishy to me. But I’m gonna have to go with a smooch from Sam “Kissy Fish” Darnold. He’s got a square head. Seriously. He looks like a character in the Batman the Animated Series TV show. I don’t know what kind of fish that is, but it’s pretty fishy in and of itself.

@TCBills_Astro asks, “What is the spiky, orange, round thing on the Miami Dolphins’ logo?

• a crankset to a spiffy new bike?
• a target for Rosenpatrick?
• Hurricane Adam?
• a uterine device?
• or what?“

Well, Dean, another great question as always. But, of course, the orange thing in the background is the sun, and the Dolphin, like Icarus, is trying to fly too close to it, as his associated with a certain Miami based fish team has led to some suicidal tendencies …

The image that particular logo was based on is the last image we have of Flipper. She was last seen in 1968.

@BufFan92 asks, “Jimmy Johnson’s hair vs Dave Wannstedt’s stache who wins?”

While I respect the helmet hair, Wannsetedt’s mustache was pretty epic. Got to go with the stache.

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “Will Josh Rosen ever have the capability of growing facial hair like Fitzy, and if so, would it improve his accuracy?”

Well, hello, Bills Mafia Babes! How you doin’?

I mean, of course, if he could grow it, he would be much more accurate. But like the story of Samson and Delilah, Fitzy was kidnapped, intoxicated, and seduced by an employee at Robert Kraft’s spa who asked him, “Tell me, I pray thee, wherein thy great strength lieth, and wherewith thou mightest be bound to afflict thee?”

That’s no normal beard, ladies. And y’all know it.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Do you see the irony in a team named, “Dolphins,” tanking the season?” and “Should the hashtag, #FinsBellyUp be trending?”

Yes and Yes. Strange how there aren’t more fish-based mascots.

@IAmTheNizz asks, “How drunk do you think Dolphins fans have to be to sit through an entire game?”

Well, since no Dolphins fan has ever sat through an entire game since their founding, the amount of drunkenness it would require is unknown. But I suppose I will go with the scientific measurement of drunkenness necessary proposed by Nikola Tesla: Real Drunk.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Who would you choose for the lead role in the eventual Dolphins’ biopic titled, ‘A Fish Called Wannstedt?'”

That’s a great question. Well, Wannstedt is a ruggedly handsome man, so the casting would need to be perfect.

The Cast:

• Dave would be played by Daniel Day Lewis.
• His wife Jan would be played by Mark McKinney of Kids in the Hall fame.
• Jimmy Johnson would be played by Vinnie Jones in full Juggernaut costume, helmet and all.
• Ricky Williams will be played by Lil Wayne.

@StephieTweets asks, “Are the LOLphins going 0-16 this season?”

There seems to be a very good chance of that. The Browns and Lions, of course, will wait on bated breath in their Holiday Inn Suite to find out if they can pop open their sparkling wine or not during week 17.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “What ‘whine’ goes best for a Dolphin BBQ?”

Well, technically, BBQ is pig. You can smoke other meats, like brisket, but it’s not BBQ and neither would dolphin.

Still, I’d suggest going to go with an Argentinian Malbec to go along with your smoked Dolphin. Great value for the price, and it seems to go with almost anything.

@Mottsawce asks, “Better Dolphins kicker: Ray Finkle or Snowflake?”

I don’t remember Snowflake missing easy kicks. Just saying.