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The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Prime Time!

It’s that time, Bills Mafia! It’s time for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag, and with the Bills traveling to ketchup field this Sunday night, this week’s theme is Prime Time!



First, I’d like to apologize for my absence the last couple of weeks. It’s no excuse, but I met a woman, and we quickly became engaged. I’m a peaceful guy, but some douchy local constable claimed the right of prima nocta with my betrothed, and she said, “As if!” For which, he cut her throat. Of course, that started a whole thing, and I had to raise an army, sack York, and defeat the English for “freedom” or something. I don’t know, but all that carousing caught up to me, and King Eddie Baby had me killed, so that put a damper on my schedule … But I’m back now!

This isn’t your average mailbag! This is the mailbag for those crazed fans that bought red hand towels by the dozens this week to hand out in Pittsburgh! This is for those brave men and women who have read the history booka and remember the last time the Bills played on Sunday Night! This is for those real fans that might have shed a tear when they saw little Doug Flutie leading the charge last Sunday! This is the beef on weck of mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@Buffalo_Trump asks, “No one had a bigger prime time show than me. The Apprentice was a complete success.

Who is going to be the Apprentice to Lorenzo Alexander’s position?”

Wow! Bigly of you to covfefe your way to my mailbag! I am honored, Mr. President! Well, funny you should ask that … our man, our college football analyst actually answered that question. Here is his piece. Check it out … or maybe have Rudy read it to you. That might be easier. Luckily, it’s not written in Russain.

@IAmTheNizz asks, “Who do you think would be better to sit down and have a beer with… Josh Allen or Tre’Davious White?”

Well, that’s a good question. We know Allen can chug a beer whilst winning a HR derby, so that’s something. And Tre Day likes to dance. Now, I only dance when I’ve had WAY too many for the benefit of everyone around me, but for Tre? Hell yeah, I’ll do some shots and go dancing. It’ll be beautiful.

@AdamZientek3 asks, “I’ve missed these so much.

What’s your primetime routine? Is there a specific bar you go to? Jersey pairing? Prayer? Beer?

Prime Time. Hmm. Well, since the Bills mostly play at 1 PM, I am usually pretty sauced by prime time. But, I’ll be ready for Prime Time this week. I watch the games alone … I’m pretty intolerable during Bills games. BILLS GAMES ARE ADAM TIME, MOM!

Anyway, I think I’ll make a nice chili cheese dip and have some stouts like the Founders Breakfast Stout or the Edmund Fitzgerald Porter. Of course, I’ll be donning my Flutie jersey from back in the day and maybe my standing buffalo cap. Finally, I’ll pour one out for my homies in Pittsburgh … cuz they’re going down.

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “If players on the Bills were to have their own Prime Time competition reality show, who would star in it, what would the competition be, and who would win?”

Well, hello, Babes. How you doin’?

Anyway, let’s see … Tre White would be an obvious answer. He can do so much. But I think we’re ready for more long-term stakes now. Our attention span is growing with the golden age of TV and podcasts, so I think it will be the game of “Who Ages Faster” with Frank Gore. The contestant and Frank will sit unmoving with an HD camera on them and see who ages first. Great question!

@spot_bills asks, “At a home game I attended in 1992, Deion “Prime Time” Sanders returned a kickoff vs. the Bills for a TD late in the 2nd quarter. He danced the last 20 yards despite the fact that Buffalo was ahead 38-0…instantly making him my favorite player in the NFL at the time.”

Not really a question, Dr. Super Bowl … but a fantastic drunken question if I’ve ever seen one. Well done!

@MsAFromBK asks, “Prime time… 🤔… Optimus Prime… Autobots… 🤔… if Josh Allen, Beasley, Brown, Knox, Gore & Singletary were all Autobots… what kind of vehicles would they transform into & why? 😁😁😁”

Dude. When I was a kid, Transformers were my jam! I owned all of them, and then my mom gave them away when I was “getting too old for them.” HAPPY NOW, MOM?! Dammit!

Anyway, let’s see …

  • Dawson Knox: AM General M925A1 Military Troop Transport Truck … you know why. It can run over things but struggles to catch a football.
  • Cole Beasley:  Peel P50, the smallest car ever produced … plus, the ladies love it.
  • Devin Singletary: Chevrolet small-block V8. Just a motor, baby.
  • Frank Gore: A horse. An old horse. But a horse that won’t die or age or succumb to the glue factory.
  • Josh Allen: M1 Abrams tank. It’s fast, has a huge cannon, and, as General Schwarzkopf will tell you … it looks good in shorts.

@TCBills_Astro asks, “Using only prime numbers, who are your favorite five players on the Bills?”

Ooh! Tough question, Dean. Going by jersey numbers, I’ll have to go with …

  • #89 Tommy Sweeney: Sexy with mustache. #SweeneysWeenies
  • #67 Quinton Spain: A man … but with a sensitive side who thinks about you and might call you a week after he pancakes you.
  • #71 Ryan Bates: Shares the last name with one of my favorite movie characters … plus, I hear he does kegel exercises on the regular, so …
  • #5 Matt Barkley: Likes Bitcoin. Probably of the Austrian school of economics and an admirer of Friedrich Hayek, so that’s neet.
  • #19 Isaiah McKenzie: Got to love the Scottish, am I right?

@SoCalBillsMafia asks, “I hear some changes might be made in the rotation. Which players do you think will be primed, for prime time?”

Tommy F$#&ing Sweeney! It’s time. It’s time for my boy to shine. Even as he’s been hidden away, he gave Daboll the power of the mustache for a week. That’s what a great teammate he is!

@Jack_Wanders asks, “What’s the best Buffalo snack for a prime time game loaded Nachos…bbq MeatsBalls….pizza rolls….the always underrated cheese tray.. chips and bison Dip…other? How should we all feast before the wings show up?” and @JoeyV2988 asks, “As America’s Spirit Animal, should we not show up to work hungover on Monday morning, or should we drink and bring leftover Peking Duck to work the next day?” and @GMacLagan asks, “what’s a prime time meal to eat next Sunday when the Bills taken on the Steelers during #SNFonNBC ?”

Great questions guys! Of course, and I don’t know why, but I have a hankering for Ed Oliver’s delicious recipe for shredded duck. The key is to tenderize the meat first, really pounding it, and then cook it all day. Finally, when the cooking is complete, you need to shred what’s left for a delicious Sunday meal!

And yes, Joey. You should show up to work on Monday a little hungover. Anything less would be uncivilized.

@DrowningPool86 asks, “:while playing Edward 40 Hands: Prime Time, son the only prime I’m interested in is Prime Rib and in my opinion
@TreWhite16 is the Prime Rib of this whole team. Would you agree?”

Sounds like you’ve got an early start. Bless you, son.

Oh, I don’t know. I think there are a few prime players on the Bills. Right now, Edmunds is playing as well as anybody, but I think what’s most impressive is not the individual player for the Bills but the way they play as a team on defense. The communication is impressive. That being said, Tre White is a delicious hunk of beef. No doubt.

@FiveSixer asks, “Everyone talks about QB matchups as if they play each other, but no one talks about the CBs before the game. Does Minkah stand a chance against Tre White in any facet of the game? CB play, dance-offs, goaltending…Tre does it all. How embarrassed with Minkah be? #GoBills”

Since he was a young man, Tre has been extremely sensitive about the fact that he cannot play badly. He can’t stop being amazing at everything. As a kid, he’d try to lose games of pickup basketball to his younger friends, but he just couldn’t. Every time, he’d dominate the game then go home and cry and journal about this. Psychologists have tried to help him using CBT, EMDR, and Hypnosis, but nothing has worked. It seems like Tre White is going to live the rest of his life with the inability to not dominate his opponents. Keep him in your thoughts … It’s quite a burden to bear.

Minkah on the other hand, as we saw in Miami, does not have that problem. Some people are just born lucky.

@BobGiann asks, “Is 1PM a prime # in the military?”

… I don’t know. I feel like I should understand what this means. But I don’t. So I’ll say, maybe?

@WittySports716 asks, “Let’s talk about “Prime Time” items fans wave at games: Give us the Top 3 reasons why the Whammy Weenie is better than the Terrible Towel?”

Well, great question, Witty Sports, but I think you’re seeing it all wrong. There isn’t a better here. They just serve different roles. I’ll explain. The Whammy Weenie is great because there’s something comforting about holding it, something familiar … I don’t know exactly why. Also, it looks great when hidden away in shorts, and finally, it’s the symbol of the Tommy Sweeney fan club, #SweeneysWeenies!

The terrible towel isn’t worse. It’s complimentary, actually. It’s great for cleaning up the messes that come from a good weenie, so they make a good team! Well done, towels!

@TheBillsBlues asks, “When is the “prime time” to start imbibing alcohol before a “prime time” football game and what are you drinking to make sure your brain is properly “primed” with enough alcohol “in time” for kickoff?” and follows with, “Follow up: Is it “socially acceptable” to get so inebriated that you mumble more than Chris Berman on NFL Prime Time?”

  1. To be like Chris Berman is a blessing. Let’s keep that straight. If people don’t like your Berman-self, they are not your friends.
  2. Well, it’s tricky. For a 1 PM game, it’s a bit easier to keep a proper level of sobriety for kickoff, but for a Sunday Night game? I think you can’t start drinking till Friday at 5 PM earliest. Saturday morning would be the more responsible choice.

@GMacLagan asks, “Thoughts on the Prime Time Players? And why they worked in FCW/NXT and not on WWE?”

You lost me, son. Sorry. My knowledge of wrestling stopped around the time of Koko B. Ware, Bret Michaels, the Bushwhackers, and the greatest wrestler, nay, showman of all time …


@MikeZimmersEars asks, “The Office almost didn’t make it after it first came out but it ended up being a smash hit. Is there someone on the #GoBills who you feel just needs a little more time & patience that will also become a smash hit?” and @MikeZimmersEars asks, “Which current minor character on the #GoBills roster is poised to be a breakout star, much like Frasier was on Cheers & then Fraiser?”

Hello, Mr. Ears. Since these are similar questions, I thought I’d put them together. Hmm … Breakout star, eh?

I think it’s Siran Neal. The guy has been absolutely balls (in a good way) on special teams. He can hit. His coverage ability is improving, and I wouldn’t be surprised if next year, Zo retires, and there is a battle between Neal and next year’s breakout star, Vosean Joseph for who gets more playing time.

Of course, by that time, my man Tommy Sweeney will have already earned Super Bowl MVP honors, but I think that goes without saying.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Will Devin Singletary be able to run away from the Steelers D the way the Duke boys ran from Roscoe P. Coltraine?”

In the immortal words of those provincial philosophers, “Yeeee Haaaa!”

@BillsMafia617 asks, “If Micah was no longer able to play football, which profession do you see him participating in Prime Time… Porn?”

Nah. Micah Hyde seems a little too innocent for that. No, I see him on the Home Shopping Network or QVC pitching his new line of strappy “travel bags.” Jordan Poyer will, of course, be at his side as his business partner, and then one night, while working late, they’ll be fighting about sales projections, and Micah will say, “What are we doing? Why are we fighting?” In that moment, looking into each others’ eyes, they’ll realize that love, like a man’s bag, doesn’t need to look a certain way, that every bag is beautiful, no matter what people say about it.

@BillsJM asks, “Which Bills player should host a prime time talk show. Who would their sidekick be?”

It’s going to be the Dion Dawkins Schow! No doubt. Jordan Phillips will be his Ed McMahon-type sidekick, hyping the crowd. Cole Beasley (and the bees) will lead the house band, and Frank Gore will be the scary producer off to the side they occasionally cut to for an angry or disappointed face. Of course, Frank will never talk … just stare and not age.

Josh Allen will be the first guest, of course, and Sean McDermott will be in the audience … well, you know.

Thanks for all the great questions! Be sure to give these lovely interrogators a follow on Twitter, and, now, let’s go whip those Steelers this Sunday! Go Bills!