The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Predictions!
It’s time again, Bills Mafia, for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! I received many amazingly drunken questions from Bills Mafia on this week’s theme: Predictions!
Before answering any questions this week, I decided to do a shot of tequila for every astounding play I expected to witness this season. Unfortunately, I woke up in a bar in Nukus, Uzbekistan (luckily, a Bills Backers Bar), and had to make my way back home by getting a quick loan from newly-signed superstar, sexy rich dude, and Buffalo Bill for life, Tre White. What a guy!
Now on to the questions!
@GMaclagan asks, “Who will be the biggest MonStar between Ed Oliver and Tremaine Edmunds this upcoming season? How many times will McDermott clap during his Super Bowl victory speech?”
Ah. Excellent question, Mr. Gan! Well, of course, of those two, only Tremaine “The Kaiju” Edmunds is an actual monster (or MonStar, if you will). Ed “Captain Insano” Oliver is more like a supervillain who escaped from the most intense criminal asylum in central Texas. His crime? Being just a little too insano to opposing QBs. (They like QBs in Texas.)
During his Super Bowl speech, McDermott will actually not clap. Like the legendary story of the Praying Hands painting, McDermott will say nothing upon receiving the Lombardi trophy. He will simply do a slow reveal of his mangled and bloodied paws, and it will be in that moment that we will truly understand … the meaning of the process.
@Buffalo_Trump asks, “Will excellent Ed Oliver ride his horse to the stadium on game days? If so, my tremendous administration is willing to provide a presidential security escort. #makethehorsegreatagain.”
Ah, well, thank you for your bigly offer and tremendous question. But Captain Insano needs no security escort. In fact, he’s been training other players on the team to create a posse, a sort of modern day Magnificent Seven:
- Ed Oliver, of course, is the leader. No one dares question him.
- Tre’Davious White is the fast-talking and charming thief of the group. He’ll pick anything from you if you don’t watch close.
- Josh Norman is the grizzled vet, a reluctant hero come back for one last ride.
- Matt Milano is the ladies man and knife expert. Some say he can hit a Jet with one of his daggers at 15,000 feet.
- Micah Hyde is the master of disguise. You’ll never guess who he is when he wears one of his wide assortment of adorable handbags. Jim Kelly didn’t even recognize him.
- Mario Addison is the villain turned hero. But don’t trust or turn your back on this original outlaw lest he get mad and tear up the quarterback.
- AJ Epenesa is the silent young gun of the group. His origins are mysterious, and he rolls the best cigars in the group, and some say, he looks pretty good in shorts.
@TCBills_Astro asks, “Are These Future Buffalo Drinks, Musical Groups, or Songs?
- Jet Sweep
- Dolphinigan’s Wake
- All About That Bass
- Billy B and The Deflators
- Radium in The Stadium“
Ah, hello Dean. This is a fantastic question! (Nice James Joyce ref, by the way!) But of course, these will be the hit singles on the new supergroup forming in Buffalo: The Bomb Squad. After hearing an early draft of the recordings, Paul McCartney was quoted as saying, “Maybe if the Beatles had been Bills fans like Ringo said we should, we could have been this amazing.” Let’s meet the band:
- Agent: Big Baller Beane, of course. He gets top billing for the boys.
- Manager: Sean McDermott. Many people don’t know this, but Coach McD actually has both hustle AND flow. In the 90s, he topped the charts as Lil Sean McDiggity with his song, “Pumping the Process.”
- Drums: John Brown. He’s quiet. He doesn’t sing. But his hands are so fast and smooth when they hit those skins that he makes Art Blakey’s beats sound like they were made by Meg White’s Jets fan cousin, Derpina.
- Bass: Dion Dawkins. You already know he’s a shnowman. But he also taps into that Bills Mafia love to create the sickest and smoothest bass licks since James Jamerson. (Look him up.)
- Hip Hop Vocals: Of course, it’s the Bease. He’s dropping lyrics like Jets receivers drop passes.
- Guitar: Stefon Diggs. Yes, before this year, Diggs had never touched a guitar, but legendary guitar player, Buddy Guy, called him up, gave him one lesson, then did a bluesy incantation … now, Diggs is the greatest riff master to have ever played.
- Vocals: Josh Allen, of course. People don’t know this, but he has more vocal range than Christina Aguilera and more power than Luciano Pavarotti. But let’s face it … most people come to the shows to see him cut a rug in shorts.
@MsAFromBK asks, “Who do you predict will become the official sponsor for The Bills Stadium?”
Well, after a near-revolt following a 16-0 season and an easy Super Bowl victory, the Pegulas will relent to the wishes of Bills Mafia and give the stadium in Orchard Park the name it always should have had: Marv Levy Field at Bills Mafia Stadium.
But with unprecedented income from TV viewing and jersey sales, the Pegulas will have enough money to buy the naming rights for the stadiums in Miami, East Rutherford, N.J, and Foxborough, MA. In 2021, the names of all of those stadiums will be Bills’ Stadium.
@FiveSixer asks, “Who has more yards: Diggs, or the combo of Sinigletary/Moss? And since it’s a copycat league, will other teams start using the Process Juice once the Bills hoist the Lombardi?”
Haha! Good one, Norb! I mean, don’t you think other teams would love to get their grubby hands on the formula for process juice? But they can’t! Because process protects process. The Evil One (Belichick), even sent his adopted troll son, Stephen, with an army of Uruk Hai warriors to storm Orchard Park, but were stopped and soundly defeated by the valiant and drunken efforts of Bills Mafia in the historic Battle of the Parking Lots.
@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “What is your prediction for how many Super Bowl Babies will be born in November of 2021, exactly 9 months after the Bills finally bring it home?”
Well, hello, babes. Great question! Well, let’s see … (Adam does math in his head.) Buffalo, NY, currently has a population of about 256,000 people. If we assume that every adult’s bedroom ceiling has a picture of Josh Allen in shorts, the number of births in November of 2021 will be …. [calculating]
716 million babies. Tre’Davious will, at that point, become the third most popular name in the United States behind Processina and Captain Insano.
@MsAFromBK asks, “Oh Great & Nimble, No-Diggety Nannini… oh Mighty Prophet of the Buffalo Bills… what is your prophecy for 2021? Will the sky be blue? Will we continue to bleed red? What shall us followers of your wisdom expect? Help us see the light!”
Peace, my child. Have faith. Have faith in the divine mustache of the Sweeney. Verily, focus your heart and mind on the two most important tenets of our beliefs: the shorts and the process. Let not your heart be troubled by the evils of cheating, spying, PEDs, and simply being a Jet because the Big Balls of the Beane is watching over you. And remember in your weakest moments that you already Shnow what is going to happen. #GoBills
@ChefBake1 asks, “Nostradamus, Silvia Brown, Bills Mafia. Who did a better job at predicting what would happen in Jacksonville when they hired St Doug?”
Well, while Nostradamus did predict the fall of Jacksonville under Doug Marrone in one of his famous quatrains, I must admit that every single person on the planet knew that Marrone would get his reckoning. #KarmaIsABitch
@SaveDave_1 asks, “I predict the the #Bills to great things this year and that @J_poyer21 / @micah_hyde will finally get recognition for being the best safety duo in the #nfl . That being said….. what are my chances with @Rachel__Bush?”
Good prediction. And I’d say, one in a million.
@TheBillsBlues asks, “It’s Week 1: Please predict the following:
1) What am I drinking?
2) How many will I drink?
3) How many times will my wife tell me I am a disappointment?
4) How many games will the Bills win that day?
5) Am I drunk right now?”
Mr. Blues. I have good news for you. It will be after the first week of Bills football that you will reach a drunken transcendent state. You will have drunken enough beer that you will put on those running shorts you haven’t worn in a decade, and though your wife was initially upset at you, she will have realized that the alcohol has made you #thicc, and, truly, you look good in shorts. Unable to control her emotions and passion in such a state of awe, she will swear her undying loyalty to the Bills and realize that you were sent here for a purpose: to be a drunken prophet for the Buffalo Bills.
The Bills will never lose another game.
@BobGiann asks, “Do you eat Frankfurter Spectacular with ketchup?”
Lol! These are my followers! Thanks for all of the amazing questions, and be sure to give all of my lovely interrogators a follow on Twitter, as they are the best!
You ready for week one? I am. #GoBills!