The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Playoffs!

It’s that time again, Bills Mafia! It’s time for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag. (Sponsored by the best fans in the known universe!) This week’s theme? PLAYOFFS!!!

Before answering any questions this week, I drank a pint of some clear liquid my neighbor, Cletus, gave me for each year the Bills haven’t had a single playoff win. After 25 pints of what I can only describe as paint thinner with subtle notes of generational pain, the overwhelming proximity of death, and nutmeg, I now feel ready to answer your questions! Also … when will my sight return, you think?

Now on to the questions …

@ChefBake14 asks, “Coach McDermott, Brandon Beane, Kim Pegula: You have to pick one to play beer pong partners with, the other 2 are who you are playing against. Who is your partner and how many will you win by?”

Well, I would not choose Brandon “Big Baller” Beane, as he only shoots the finest bourbon whiskey with copious amounts of cigar ash mixed in, so he can’t be counted on for beer pong. McDermott doesn’t actually need sustenance, as he is enriched and fed by the power of the process. He said, of it, “It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.”

Kim Pegula on the other hand … well, we were sorority sisters at the U of B back in the day. APPLE UNICRON PIE FOREVER, BITCHES! Anyway, that girl could throw down, and with her beer pong and twerking skeelz (for distraction), we would beat the boys by a billion.

@Jack_Wanders asks, “What time is the correct time to crack into your first adult Beverage for a 1:05 Saturday game…seeing as there’s no tailgating? And what time do ya order the pizza and wings for?”

Ah. A math question. I was never very good at these … multiply by the diameter of the earth, divide by pi, subtract the resistance of tachyon fields, carry the universal constant of how much blue cheese is better than ranch, and factor in wins as a QB stat, and you get ….

Based on my calculations, it seems you should already be drunk enough to send sexy DMs to Greg Tompsett. Not drunk enough!

@FiveSixer asks, “When the Bills go up big in the 3rd qtr, what kind of comeback will Reich try to attempt? And how badly will it fail?”

Of course, Frank Reich is the master of comebacks. He’ll try all sorts of shenanigans like pressing hard for Applebee’s to get the naming rights to Bills Stadium, photoshopping Tom Brady’s legs onto Josh Allen’s body so he doesn’t look good in shorts, claiming that he, not McDermott, is one with the process … but he knows it’s all for naught. In fact, he only became the Colts HC for this particular moment: to send the Bills to the Super Bowl. He’s a plant by mastermind, Marv Levy, and with his position, he was able to install an aged Phillip Rivers into the lineup and make the team just weak enough to pose no threat to the mighty Bills. Marv Levy, with a giant stogie projecting from his luscious lips, was quoted after the Colts were set to face off against the Bills on Saturday, “I love it when a plan comes together!”

@RickGath asks, “Which will be greater: the amount of Touchdowns the Bills score in this game or the number of Philip Rivers children?”

Well, that’s hard to track. In the past week alone, Rivers has had three more kids with seven more on the way. That dude is potent, but it also means he’s not studying his playbook, as he is …. busy. Let’s see … how many touchdowns are in a billion?

@BillsMafia111 asks, “Will the #bills score 75 points in this game or the next one?”

Well, in commemoration of Howard “House” Ballard and the #75 jersey he wore for the Bills from 1987-1993, the Bills will wait to score that exact amount until the Super Bowl against Thomas Elizabeth Brady and the Buccaneers. Again … all part of Marv Levy’s master plan.

@Pit27Dog asks, “Is it true that Josh Allen goes big game hunting carrying only footballs?”

Well, my fellow canine, Josh Allen certainly could. His throws have been clocked at over 5,000 feet per second. To put that speed into context, a hit with a stray Allen bullet would be so powerful that it could make Bill Belichick smile.

But, of course, Josh doesn’t use his powerful right arm for evil but for good. He loves all animals because the natural world understand the process and has been seeking the one to bring balance to the process. They know he has come, and soon, there will be a reckoning.

@GMaclagan asks, “Should Billy Buffalo zip line into the Bills Stadium like Shawn Michaels did at WrestleMania XII, when the team takes the field for Saturday’s Playoff game?”

Well, Mr. Lagan, that’s a sad tale. Shawn Michaels, after his glitz and glam wrestling days, fell on some hard times after his popup restaurant chain “Shawn Michael’s Greasy Balls” failed miserably in nearly every location. (One is still running quite profitably in Foxborough, MA.) After this, he was broke, his wife hit him with a chair and left him, and his dog, Pongo, was hit by a U-Haul truck, which severely damaged his brain and was last seen as the intellectual leader for a group of fellas marching on the Capitol Building. Life was not going well.

But Terry Pegula, an extra wrestler himself (CWDWF: The Chonky White Dude Wrestling Federation {his nickname: the Calculator of Doom!}), reached out to Shawn and offered him a job … Yes, my Canadian friend. The man inside the Billy Buffalo suit is former Wrestling god, Shawn Michaels. The zip line is coming, and I have a feeling he has a hankering to come out of retirement …

@LiamorSum asks, “Who do you think will have more points in the WC game, Tyler ‘Big Aubergine’ Bass or Phillip ‘Cry Me A’ Rivers? Also, why is it called the ‘playoffs’? It should be called ‘Play-ons’. My reasoning: the winners play on, the losers take off. Winners don’t play off, or they’d lose.” And @MsAFromBK asks, “Why are they called playoffs and not playons?”

Nice use of “aubergine”, Mr. Sum. Well, this can be confusing. But in the early days of professional football, long before the Hays Code, most sports had a nudity element to keep the lusty fans titillated. You’ve heard of strip poker? Well, early football was also strip. QB throws a pick? He takes something off. Linebacker missed a tackle? He’s losing a sock! Wide receiver drops the ball? He drops his pants. Now, these archaic sexy times have been gone for some time, but the naming convention stood all these year. Thus the term, play-offs.

@StephieTweets asks, “How do we feel about David Wallace opening up the Dunder Mifflin Buffalo branch again due to the Bills making the playoffs?”

@BeardedPhotog24 asks, “It’s been said josh Allen’s arm wears its own outfits into the stadium, what would his arm wear, and would it also shop at the Big & Tall?”

Well, Mr. Photog (Love your photos, by the way!), that is a common rumor first reported by the Wall Street Journal, but it is, sadly, untrue. NY law has determined and informed Josh Allen that to cover his arms would result in his arrest, as he would be carrying a concealed weapon.

Besides, Josh is a constitutional scholar. He’s often found in the offices of the Supreme Court debating constitutional law and throwing dimes, and he would never cover his guns as he knows he has a constitutional right to bare arms.

@FrayJay1 asks, “Is it wrong to say I have a certain sickness and then go get in close contact with colts players?”

Fray … can I call you Fray? “Wrong” and for that matter, “Right” … these are all just constructs of the mind. Is it wrong to shove a fat guy in front of a train to save four people standing down the way? Some would say, yes. Some would say, no. I believe it was Niccolò Machiavelli who said in his best-selling sequel, The Prince II: Bitches Doth Get Stitches, “I DO WHAT I WANT!”

I hope that helps.

@GMaclagan asks, “Which Speech from a Movie should McDermott give to the Boys to help give them that extra motivation for the Playoffs?”

I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I know for a fact that Nick Wright has been kidnapped by Harrison Phillips and Christian Wade (A caper, that is!), and before the game, McDermott will bring out a tied-up Nick Wright and quote him this inspiring line from Billy Madison:

“Mr. Wright, what you’ve said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in the country is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

@Walder_theresa asks, “What’s the over/under on how many times the Reich/Bills connection be mentioned this week?”

Well, since the announcers can’t even name our players correctly, I assume they may not even know that Frankie even played for the Buffalo Bills. So, I’m going to put the over/under at .5

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “While donkey punching Frank Reich’s Colts in the wild card round is necessary, we do feel slightly bad for him and the slaughter they’re about to experience. Will Jim Kelly share a milkshake with him after the game, for old sake?”

Oh, babes. It’s always donkey punching with you. There are other ways, you know. Anyway, yes. He and Jim will get together after the game. There will be milkshakes. There will be laughs and tears and serious conversation.

In the end, as Frank is leaving the house, Jim will grab him by the shoulder, lean in, and say, “See … this is why I was the starter. You were the backup. You’re still a backup. And you’ll always be a backup.”

Reich, shocked at first, will wince and grimace. But after a few moments, his countenance will calm, and he will nod, knowingly, that Jim was right. He’s always been right. Reich will finish the night by responding, “Where else would you rather be, right?” Jim will just nod as Reich walks to his car, happy, relieved, finally finding the truth he’d been searching for all these years.

@TheYoungish asks, “Who’s got better beef? Five Guys? Or the Bills’ five starting offensive linemen?”

Hmm. Well, Five Guys is super overrated and expensive for what they offer. Just saying … Plus, they skimp on ingredients. Here’s a comparison to prove my point. Let’s look at beefy patties. Here are some weights:

  • Five Guys Beef: 3.3 oz.
  • Average Starting Five Buffalo Beef: 5,097.6 oz.

Now, THAT is value!

@Bodotdot asks, “They could win it for the fans, they could win it for the City of Buffalo…but what/who would be the lamest thing to win it for?”

Dick Jauron? I don’t know. That would be pretty lame.

@DrunkattheRalph asks, “Adam, what stage are you at on your BBFS (Battered Bills Fan Syndrome) recovery? Everyone is at a different stage in their recovery right now. I’d say I’m at almost full recovery where I’m confident before every game and borderline cocky. They say winning cures all. PLAYOFF TIME!”

Well, Senor Attheralph … I wish I could say that I have recovered from BBFS, but the doctors tell me I may never recover. As much as I’d like to just confidently believe, whenever I get close, memories flood my consciousness, and I am left in a drunken, shaky stupor. I hope, my friend, that you have found the help you need. Me … I may be beyond hope. It’s not about getting cured anymore. It’s about learning to live with it. Will anyone ever love me again as I suffer from BBFS? It seems unlikely. What man would want me like this?! But sometimes, as my eyes go dim and my hearing wanes, I can make out the spritely joyful noises of young Bills Mafia, and for a moment, I feel like I’m out there with them like I have hope for just a fleeting moment, and I think to myself, it was worth it.

@MsAFromBK asks, “One fine Saturday, in the early month of January, a colt and a buffalo met on the shores of Lake Erie … (Finish the story… the drunker the better!)”

One late Friday night, a little white colt ambled toward a mighty Buffalo overlooking his city in Western New York. The Bison looked grizzled and wise as he puffed on his Pall Mall cigarette; his thick mustache bristled in the cool winter breeze, and an empty Labatt lay at his feet. He didn’t seem to notice the colt, but the young horse was lost, confused, and he needed answers.

“Pardon me,” whinnied the colt.

The Buffalo didn’t respond.

“I’m a little confused, and I need some help. I … woke here today, and I don’t know where I am. This is a strange place. Can you help me?”

The Buffalo, without turning, asked, “What makes it so strange?”

“Well …” The colt paused, afraid he’d offended the mighty beast. “Well, it’s different here. I’m … I’m not used to it.”

“How is it different?”

“The people. They’re odd. They seem happy, but I don’t see why. The city isn’t shining like New York or rich like San Francisco, but there’s something that makes these people different. I’ve walked all over this city, and I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“Good neighbors,” grunted the Buffalo.

“Good neighbors?” asked the Colt.

“Money doesn’t make you happy. Shiny things don’t fulfill you. What you see is the happiness that comes from good neighbors.”

The colt looked over the city. “Where I’m from, people aren’t very happy. In fact, everywhere I go, people are pretty angry and sad right now.”

“Most people bond over what they hate, but focusing on hate can never bring peace and joy, little horse.” The giant Buffalo turned his massive bulk toward the colt. “The people of this city bond over what they love, and that love comes out in their giving, in their generosity, passion, and hope.”

“But they don’t have much!” argued the colt.

“They have something the rest of the country doesn’t seem to have: love for their neighbors. Maybe we’d all be better off if we all took that idea to heart.”

The little colt knew he was right. It was such a simple idea. But he’d never seen it carried out. As he looked over the city lights, he thought about all of the craziness in the world and the tough year everyone had and couldn’t believe these people were so strong in the face of adversity that they could still give in a time of pain, poverty, and hurt.

“You see,” said the Buffalo. “Most people are full of fear. But love and fear don’t mix, and these people aren’t afraid.”

“Those people are coming to the game tomorrow, aren’t they,” he said.

The Buffalo turned back to the city and let out a brief laugh. “Yep.”

“We’re going to lose tomorrow, aren’t we.”

“Yep.”


Thanks for reading! I hope you all have a happy and safe Wild Card Weekend, and let’s go beat those Colts!

Comment below!