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The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Mysterious Training Camp Secrets!



It’s that time, Bills Mafia, where we answer the questions the real fans ask! It’s time for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! This week’s theme: Mysterious Training Camp Secrets. Before answering any questions this week, I made myself a batch of toilet wine, which was a sort of sparkling pee no blend. It has nutty notes.

This is not your average mailbag. This is not the mailbag for the faint of heart or the thick of wallet! This is for the real Buffalo Bills fans, for the fans that write “Mrs. Josh Allen” over and over again in their diaries! This is for the fans that push little kids out of the way to get an autograph! This is for those men and women that have not YET firebombed a Buffalo Wild Wings… I’ve said too much. This is the beef on weck of mailbags!

Now on to the questions:

@SoCalBillsMafia asks, “What are players doing to get pumped up before practice?”

Nothing brings the team together and gets them revved up more than a rousing game of hide and seek. Ray-Ray McCloud won last time. He hid behind Ty Nsekhe.

@MsAFromBK asks, “This past week it was Brandon Beane’s birthday… what do you think the boys got Big Baller Beane as a gift this year? What would you give him? What does he deserve?”

The answer is simple and practical. It’s Manscaped Crop Preserver Anti-Chafing Ball Deodorant: “For the man with big balls.” (Not an endorsement.)

@thebillsblues asks, “At training camp, what is the secret to pushing those pesky little kids out of the way so a much deserving adult like myself can get an autograph before them? 🤣🤣 🤣”

You ever see Dion Dawkins in line at Golden Corral? Like that.

@stanj62 asks, “Jets Week 1 – Crowder injured
Giants week 2 – all WR suspended/injured
Bengals week 3 – AJ Green injured
Which Pats WR will get injured next?”

Well, it stands to reason because of age that the next New England Patriot to get injured will be the line judge official on the referee team tar is slotted for the Pats vs. Bills game in week 4. Thing is, the Patriots won’t suffer. It’s always next man up for them, and the line judge they get to replace him knows how to “do your job” for Belichick and Brady.

@Buffalo_Trump asks, “Who has a better chance? TJ Yeldon on the roster out of camp, or someone trying to raid Area 51? Which is guarded by our fantastic and beautiful military. I know, I threw them an absolutely amazing parade.”

Now that is a tremendous question. Certainly, no one would be fool enough to try to breach Area 51 on your watch! No, I don’t think T.J. Yeldon makes the final squad, though he is a serviceable running back. Rumor is that he might not make the team because he plans to storm Area 51 and hasn’t invited Big Baller Beane to join him. Might be some drama brewing there.

@fivesixer asks, “When McDermott claps after a good play, what song is he clapping along to in his head? Is it different after good plays versus bad plays? Does he have different songs for offense, defense, and special teams? I think we need a McD playlist.”

“If there’s process and you know it, clap your hands ….”

No, but really, Coach McD is a big jazz guy. He loves strange time signatures like Dave Brubeck’s “Blue Ronda A La Turk” or “Castilian Blues”. Because he’s got hustle. He’s got flow.

@MsAFromBK asks, “Last week Dion Dawkins divulged some info… bring your own soap & wet wipes. Turns out he likes Gingerbread-scented soap. 👀😁😂 What scent do you think the other guys are using?”

Player Scents:
Jon Feliciano: His mama’s famous meatballs
Quinton Spain: Buttermilk pancakes
Robert Foster: Speed stick
Ed Oliver: Dave’s Original Insanity Hot Sauce
Star Lotulelei: Lavender. Star’s a big lavender guy.

@SoCalBillsMafia asks, “Josh Allen’s sleeveless shirts: His method of staying cool AND working on his tan…. or, is it his subtle exposition of the Gun Show? 💪😎”

Great Question! Well, this is a bit of a legal issue. New York is a may-issue state with concealed weapons permits issued at the local level by the county sheriff or court system, meaning that one can be denied such a permit quite easily. Allen, trying to be the best citizen he can, applied for such a permit, but the local authorities denied him the ability to conceal his guns because, well, they said the caliber was just too big.

@ConBone6969 asks, “As you know, Jordan Poyer is probably the worst player on the Bills. He loves making Josh Allen look bad in front of the media. What type of sacrilegious regiments does he partake in before practice so he can show off on these days? #gobills #itburnswhenipoop”

Sorry about the burning, Connor. You might want to get that checked out. What’s with all this Jordan Poyer hate, bruh? And what is his mom going to think about this?

I forget who said it, but I think this quote might be something for you to ponder: “We can only hate the person whom we love.”

@TCBILLS_Astro asks, “What is hidden in the bottom drawer of the SJF dressers of McDermott, Beane, Bobby Johnson, Heath Farwell, Josh Allen, and (your choices here)?”

Always the best questions, Dean. OK. Here is what these players and coaches have in their bottom drawers in the dorm rooms at St. John Fisher:

Brandon Beane: Well, soon, he’ll have Manscaped Crop Preserver Anti-Chafing Ball Deodorant.
Bobby Johnson: A 12” Philly Cheesesteak from Jersey Mike’s, a bucket of sour worms, and a family-size bag of Flamin’ Hot Funyuns.
Heath Farwell: A stained and worn out basset hound pound puppy plush doll named Tiger.
Sean McDermott: He keeps his favorite thing in that drawer. A few years ago, he got his hands on the briefcase from Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction. What’s inside? The recipe for The Process.

@spot_bills asks, “What’s the worst rookie abuse story from training camp?”

As a prank, Brandon Beane told Ed Oliver that he was being traded to the New York Jets. Oliver immediately broke down into tears and asked for his resignation papers from the NFL. Beane, McDermott, and the team all had a laugh … but Oliver didn’t laugh. He didn’t laugh one bit.

@stephietweets asks, “How does Frank Gore keep grindin’ at his age? Perhaps he’s a vampire? I need all the GORE-y details.”

Where did you hear that? Vampire?! What? Frank Gore is not a vampire. That’s an ugly rumor. Those bags of red liquid he keeps in his locker are … fruit punch. Sure. That’s the ticket. Fruit punch, yeah. And, yeah, Isaac Asiata retired. He didn’t disappear under mysterious circumstances at all. Sure. Nothing to see here.

@Jack_WanderS asks, “Will the specter of training camps past rear its ugly head again and cause some unforeseen non-football issue…i.e. Kevin Kolb slipping and getting hurt on a floor mat.”

Was that a specter or maybe was that a guardian angel?

@nickbat asks, “After a long day at camp, the Pegulas, Beane, and McDermott all sit down to unwind and enjoy the evening. What are they all drinking?”

The Pegulas strike me as white wine kind of people.
Brandon Beane is straight bourbon all day. American whiskey only.
Sean McDermott does not drink. He does not eat. He is able to sustain himself on only the will of the process. Process, thy will be done. Trust it.

@TheFree_Bird asks, “How ’bout stoner mailbag? More deep thoughts instead of drunken rants”

Great question, Free Bird! Well, I tried that for a few weeks at one point, but the problem was that every mailbag ended up being themed about Doritos, Taco Bell, or stories that start with “So, this one time ….” but don’t actually go anywhere.

@RichardBuffalo2 asks, “Yeah…..what was up with the secondary wearing oven mitts the first day of camp. How long have they been doing this?”

Leslie Frazier claims that the use of these over mitts was meant to help teach the defensive backs not to grab at the line. The reality is that McDermott has gotten his hands on some Infiniti Gauntlets, and now, not even Iron Man, Spiderman, or Tom Brady will be able to stand against them!