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The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Joshua David Allen

It’s that time again, Bills Mafia! It’s time for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! This week’s theme: Joshua David Allen! Before answering any questions this week, I drank an entire case of Icehouse beer … and then I made a therapy appointment.



This is not your average mailbag. This is the mailbag for the Buffalo Bills fans that are so committed to the team that they’ll actually go to New Jersey to watch a game! That’s commitment. This is for the men and women that own (or will soon own) the Antonio Brown is a Clown tee! This is for the fans who know “Ay-Ay-Ay-Ay!” is a legitimate and effective pickup line. #thirsty

This is the beef on weck of mailbags.

Now on to the questions …

@asper_nate asks, “If the Bills went the baseball route and gave Josh Allen a walk up/intro song every time he takes the field, what should it be?”

Ah, an excellent question, Nate. Well, I think we have to dig into the classics for this one. I think I’ll go with that old standard by Ms. Gwendolyn Stefani, “Hollaback Girl.”

First of all, being this is his second year, “Few times I’ve been around that track” seems fitting, and if it’s unclear to any of you yet, he “ain’t no hollaback girl.”

Let’s examine some more of these deep lyrics, and tell me this doesn’t sound like Mr. Joshua Allen:

“I heard that you were talking shit
And you didn’t think that I would hear it
People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up
So I’m ready to attack, gonna lead the pack
Gonna get a touchdown, gonna take you out
That’s right, put your pom-poms down, getting everybody fired up”

@Taylor_DeGeorge asks, “If Josh Allen was an Avenger which Avenger would he be? Also would he defeat Thanos alone or would he need help? If he needed help which other Bills Avengers would help him?”

Well, Mr. DeGeorge, the obvious answer is that Josh Allen would be Iron Man. 1.) He’s made of iron (though doesn’t need a suit … just shorts). 2.) He has a literal rocket on his arm. 3.) He’s rich and all the ladies love him. 4.) If we kept Shady around, he probably would have spoiled something about Allen like he did Iron Man.

Other Bills Avengers:
– The Hulk: Based on what we saw on Sunday, it would have to be John Feliciano. #FelicianoSmash!
– Black Widow: Kim Pegula. Trust me … do not cross Mrs. Pegula.
– Captain America: Frank Gore. Has lived, it seems, many life times. He has absurd strength, and, from what I hear, he is also a master strategist.
– Thor: Trent Murphy. Look at the dude. He’s already Thor. If he goes out to run an errand on Halloween, people already assume he’s dressed as Thor. That guy is an old-school Dane, for sure. Shame the NFL won’t let him wield his battle ax.
– Black Panther: Jerry Hughes. You can’t stop him, and, yes, his father did pas on super powers to destroy evils like the Jets and the Patriots.
– Ant Man: Cole Beasley … because he’s short.

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “We’ve been told by one of the players that the Pegula family has secured the only trained stunt bison in the nation, and it will be driven to Buffalo to lead the charge with the players for a game this season. Which player would be most likely to ride it?”

I mean, it’s Ed “Captain Insano” Oliver, isn’t it? The man has no fear, has experience taming large animals [citation: the Jets offensive line], and because, well …

He’s a little bit country, and a little bit rock n’ roll.

@BillsMafia617 asks, “We all know how good Allen looks in shorts, with his hair gently thrown to the side and his school boy smile… Sorry, got side tracked by our fahkin awesome QB! OK, QUESTION… after a last minute comeback win, does Josh go home and throw down a few Utica Club or Boones Farm?”

No to the Utica Club. Pilsners are just a little thin for Josh, and he’s a growing young man. And no to Boones Farm … don’t really need an explanation for that one.

No, Josh Allen, unlike human beings, does not require liquids to sustain him. He gets his powers from the red and blue sun and warm rays of Bills Mafia. When his family sent him to our planet, they sent him with an indestructable pair of shorts with what looked, to our human eyes, like a Bison. On his planet, it is the symbol for kicking ass.

So, after every game, he stands in the beaming glow of Bills Mafia, soaks it in, then returns to his fortress of solitude to watch some film, journal about the process, and after that go over to nice Mrs. Polowski’s house next door. She doesn’t have anyone around anymore, and Josh visits her every week, and they talk about her life over a warm cup of tea as she dispels wisdom that only a person like her could.

@TalkBuffalo asks, “Will Josh Allen Throw For over 300 yards against the Giants?”

Will the sun rise tomorrow? Will gravity continue to function for the next five minutes? Will AB be an asshole this week?

Why do you ask questions you already know the answer to?

@chefbake1 asks, “Best Stand up Comics named Josh, David, Allen?”

Ooh. Good one, Monsieur Bake. OK …

Well, the Dave one is easy. It’s Dave Chappelle. Allen is tough. Maybe Tim Allen? Woof. Not many great Allen comedians. And for Josh, that’s an easy one. It’s Josh Allen. He’s actually one of the world’s great comedians, but he’s not releasing his special until after his playing career is done.

I actually got a sneak peak at his special. (We media types get these special benefits sometimes). And I laughed so hard, I peed more than Sam Darnold when he turned around and saw Ed Oliver coming at him … that’s a lot of urine, my friend.

@fiversixer asks, “When (ok, if) injuries start catching up during the season and Josh Allen becomes the next 2-way player in the league, where in the D is he lining up? How many sacks/ints does he rack up?”

This actually happened. The US government in 2029 will come to Josh Allen and say they need him for a secret mission: to go back in time, infiltrate the NFL, and play for nine seasons (65-73) for the Chicago Bears to stop the red menace that had many spies in the NFL. Without his undercover work, we may all be living under a hammer and sickle today.

In his older years and uncover, Allen grew a sexy mustache to hide his identity. So, who was he on that Bears team?

Josh Allen on his mission to go back in time and stop the red menace.

@DrowningPool86 asks, “As the season develops and trust blossoms within the O-line do you think that they will ever do a group costume for Halloween? If so what would they pick?”

The Spice Girls obviously. They jam out to that shit before every game. In fact, legend has it that you can hear Quinton Spain and Ty Nsekhe singing back and forth to each other during games.

Spain: Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want!
Nsekhe: So tell me what you want, what you really, really want!
Spain: I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want!
Nsekhe! So tell me what you want, what you really, really want!

C.J. Mosley said after Sunday’s game that it was disturbing. Intimidated much, C.J.?

OK. Down the line, here is who they’ll be on Halloween:
– Dawkins: Ginger Spice
– Spain: Posh Spice
– Morse: Sporty Spice
– Feliciano: Meatball Spice. (They ran out of Spice Girl names.)
– Nsekhe: Scary Spice
– Ford: Baby Spice.

@Jack_Wanders asks, “If Allen was a classic cartoon character (disney, warner bros, hannah Barbara) who would he be and why?”

Easy. He-Man. Why? Also looks good in shorts.

@AdamZientek3 asks, “Do you remember when Colin Cowherd called us the worst team in the NFL and then Josh Allen decided to be an absolute gangster and take the game away from Sam Darnold and the Jets? Just wondering if you remember”

I do. Man, don’t listen to Cowherd. He is the love child of a family size bag of Lay’s Lead Paint Chips and a 30-year old shit stain in the carpet with traumatic brain injury. Maybe jingle some keys in front of him … that should keep him entertained.

@CloeBear339 asks, “What is the first thing you like to do after the winning game and you’re back home?”

Well, I typically watch the games at home on my projector. First thing that I do is arrange for a friend to get the defibrillator out of the closet and get my heart back to a normal rhythm, as I will certainly be passed out from stress. I swear, Bills games are shortening my life. I get so stressed out.

@Buffalo_Trump asks, “Jumping Josh Allen had a very LOW ENERGY 1st half. He clearly was not consuming enough process juice prior to kickoff.

How can the Bills make sure that Allen is properly lubricated in process juice before next weeks game against the ghastly Giants?”

Thank for you for the tremendous question, Mr. President! Well, I hate to disagree with you, but Process Juice is pumped directly into Josh Allen’s veins. We won this week, but he feigned struggling at times to lure the Giants and, down the road, the Patriots into a false sense of security. It’s solid strategy, Mr. President.

@CTWpod asks, “Do you think we’ll see more 1st Half Josh Allen this season? Or 2nd Half Josh Allen? I’ll hang up and listen.”

and then asks,

“Wait this was too serious for a drunken mailbag question. My bad. How’s this…. is it weird that I want to ask Josh Allen to prom and I’m a dude in my 30’s? Or is that a reasonable response after his 4th Q comeback??”

First, Mr. Pod, you can ask serious questions because the responses will still be drunken.

1.) I think we’ll see growth in the young man as he plays this season, so I think we’ll see second half Josh. First half Josh wasn’t even bad. Yes, there were mistakes, but some weren’t his fault, and he was moving the ball well.

2.) No, it isn’t weird. The heart wants what it wants, my friend, and it’s reasonable to be attracted to that which we admire. Have no shame in your game, sir. Ask him. You’ll never know until you do, and you don’t want to live the rest of your life wondering, “What if … “

@SoCalBillsMafia asks, “What did Josh do at halftime, to give him the confidence that he needed, to come out and slay the 2nd half?”

and @TCBILLS_Astro asks, “What was the REAL cause of Josh’s sudden resurgence in the fourth quarter?”

Insiders have found out that before the game, Adam Gase entered the Bills locker room, stole Josh Allen’s shorts, and replaced them with some shorts that were formally owned by Ryan Tannehill. Gase then tried to wear Allen’s shorts during the game.

Unfortunately for Gase, Allen’s shorts know with whom they are bonded and rejected Gase, leaving a permanent scar of a Bison on his right thigh. All of Adam Gase’s hair fell out by halftime, and Kaare Vedvik was forced to go out and purchase a toupee before the third quarter. Gase vowed revenge at that moment.

Of course, Tannehill’s shorts weakened Allen for a time, but by halftime, Allen found his true shorts had made their way back into his locker (Yes, they are sentient.), and the Tannehill shorts were replaced and summarily burned.

@Crazy4OReilly90 asks, “Did Josh and Sam have any kind of wager on this or the future match up?? If so money or something more interesting?? 😂”

Yes, well, these bet has been going on for a while. When they were training together before the draft, they made a bet that the loser of an accuracy competition together had to play for the Jets. And now, Sam is trying to get out of it, so this season, Sam bet that if he beat the Bills in week one, he could retire and end his tortured and sad time with the Jets. Unfortunately, for Sam, he lost, so his tenure with that dumpster fire organization goes on. #PrayForSam.

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “If Josh Allen was allowed to wear shorts for every game, would he be able to throw for 500 yards or 600?”

According to data and hypotheses compiled by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, the number of yards Josh Allen could throw in shorts is not able to be represented by a real number. To be honest, the scientists are baffled, as this finding breaks everything they know about physics and the known universe.

@TheBillsBlues asks, “If you had to change your first name and your only choices were Joshua, David, or Allen, which one would you choose and why?”

Well, Joshua comes from the Hebrew name Yeshua, which, in Greek, becomes Jesus. I probably shouldn’t do that one.

David, or King David, was known as “a man after God’s own heart” in the Bible. I don’t really fit that one either.

Allen apparently has two possible roots:
– Ailin, which means “little rock”
– Aluinn, which means “handsome”

My mom says I’m handsome, so I’ll roll with that one.

@MsAFromBK asks, “If Josh Allen was an ice cream flavor, which would he be?”

He would be Superman Ice Cream, my favorite when I lived in Michigan. Why? Well, sorry, Cam. There’s a new Superman in town. Also, Superman ice cream is made with real bits of Superman, so you know it’s good.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Can Josh Allen lead the team in passing & rushing yards while leading thus Bills to the playoffs?”

Mr. Ears … just watch. It’s coming.

Thanks for all the great questions, Bills Mafia! Make sure and give these great interrogators a follow on Twitter, and let’s Go Bills!