Before answering any questions this week, I decided to try to drink like Baker Mayfield in his hard-partying days at Oklahoma! So, I drank one and a half White Claw Hard Seltzers, took a couple of Pamprin, called up my bestie and complained about cramps for twenty minutes or so, then fell asleep crying to a Hallmark Original movie about a blind, three-legged puppy with cancer named Hope … IT WAS SO SAD!
This isn’t your average mailbag! This is for the fans that can’t decide if they’re happy we’re 6-2 or if we should fire Daboll or if we should get Robert Foster more targets … or … or … This is the mailbag for those brave men and women who have already invited Jordan Phillips over to their family Thanksgiving celebration! This is for those who wonder every time they look over the Falls at our maple-syrup sucking cousins if maybe the classic film Canadian Bacon wasn’t a comedy … maybe it was a prophecy! THIS is the beef on weck of mailbags!
Now on to the questions …
@bobos__toupee asks, “This will be a two-part question for You Sir, should the Browns keep losing to try and get a good quarterback in the 2020 draft? Who do you think will have had a better career in the CFL when all is said and done Johnny football or Baker.”
Well, Señor Toupee, great questions! First of all, of course. The Cleveland Browns will always be searching for a quarterback … they are cursed like Prometheus having their liver torn out by an Eagle (sometimes from Philadelphia) every day only to have it regenerate and need to be eaten again! Such is the life of the Browns. Draft quarterback, eat quarterback, need quarterback, draft quarterback.
And it won’t be the CFL. It will be the XFL, and the answer is Johnny Football. 1.) He has football in his name. 2.) He uses substances that keep him from getting all riled up and filming 10,000 commercials. 3.) Johnny Manziel does not have hilariously immature jokes built into his nickname like Baker Mayfield.
@MottSawce asks, “How many Bakers-wearing-a-trench-coat do you need to stack to make one Josh Allen?”
The answer, of course, is 17, the exact amount of shits I had when I took a sip of the Cuyahoga River … from which, I believe, science will one day show, Baker emerged.
Explains the river on fire.
@SaveDave_1 asks, “If Baker left Cleveland at 5pm at 75mph and josh left buffalo at 6pm at 65mph……… whos dick is bigger?”
Let’s see … divide the radius in half, multiply by pi, subtract the universal constant of the speed of light … carry the one …
Yeah. It’s Josh Allen. But the @BillsMafiaBabes could have told you that, bro.
@MikeZimmersEars asks, “What’s worse: A Wyoming Winter or Oklahoma? Just Oklahoma.”
I’ve been to Wyoming. Nice place. Check out the Firearms Museum at the Buffalo Bill Center for the West in Cody, Wyoming.
I have not been to Oklahoma. Do you know how I know? I still (kind of) am not insane. Remember that the Federal government chose to send America’s First Nations there because it was the shittiest piece of land they could find. Just saying …
@MsAFromBK asks, “Color Wars: This week it’s red, white & blue VS brown & orange.
- Why ARE the Bills colors red, white & blue? Why ARE the Browns orange & brown? What do these colors represent?
- Which color combo wins & why?
(…in your drunken opinion of course 😉😁😂) “
Well, Ms. A, rather drunkenly, obviously red, white, and blue are important colors to these United States. It represents freedom, justice, badassery, and the pursuit of happiness. What most people don’t know is that many of the founding fathers admired Ralph Wilson (yes, he was that old) and his fledgling franchise, the Buffalo Bills. Inspired by the new team’s grit, family-atmosphere, the coach’s way-too-tight shirts, and a prophecy of a GM who would come who had, well … big ol’ balls, the founding fathers chose this nation’s colors based on the inspiring colors of the Buffalo Bills!
The Browns actually get their color scheme from French naval officers’ dress. In the British Army, officers wear red so their men can’t see if they’re bleeding. This keeps the men from panicking. In the French Army, officers traditionally wear brown pants (occasionally green, depending on what they’ve been eating) for the same reason.
Which color combo wins? What do you think, Ms. A?
@TheBillsBlues asks, “Josh Allen vs Baker Mayfield in a drunken beer-infused Olympic decathlon. What are the events and who wins each one?”
Events to be completed after chugging 15 Founders Breakfast Stouts:
– Don’t text your recent ex-girlfriend slalom.
– Put on tight shorts while drunk 400-meter relay.
– Have a reasoned conversation on the benefits and drawbacks of modern Keynesian economics.
Well, of course, after one and a half beers, poor Baker is tuckered out. So, Allen wins by default. But he would have won them anyway. First of all, Allen doesn’t have ex-girlfriends. He considers every woman in the world his lady. Second, shorts. Come on. Finally, people don’t know this, but Josh Allen is actually the world’s greatest economist. Famous economist, Russ Roberts, won’t have Josh Allen on his show EconTalk because he’s skerred.
@IAmTheNizz asks, “Have you ever seen Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite and Baker Mayfield in the same room? Because I have a theory.. #VoteForPedro”
I had not made that connection … in which case, I shall not vote for Pedro.
@ChefBake1 asks, “What will Baker’s TV commercial to interception ratio be at the end of the season? Will Josh Allen bring tears of joy or tears of pain this season?”
Well, sports analytics show that Mayfield is trending to have his commercial to interception ratio be roughly 1:1, which would be roughly 10,000 interceptions, barely beating Brett Favre’s single-season record.
In terms of tears of joy vs. tears of pain … depends if you’re his friend or his foe. [Hint: Don’t be the foe!]
@MsAFromBK asks, “Baker came out with a questionable centerfold last year… Rolls Royce, tiger, shirtless with a farmer’s tan, headband, etc… if Josh Allen did a centerfold… what would be in the picture? (Setting, animal, car, headgear, etc)
PS if it’s a cool spread… I’ll skill it 😉😁😎“
Well, I’m not entirely sure why. I suppose it was for some cross-marketing, but the magazine insisted that Josh lean against the jumbo-sized Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. Harrison Phillips will be in the driver’s seat and Ed Oliver in the passenger seat. They’ll be playing a game of never have I ever. Josh will be holding in his hand a beer can with the label, “Process” across the front. Of course, he’ll be wearing only shorts, and he’ll be standing canalside in Buffalo. He’ll be holding the leash of a rather cross-looking dachshund, and way in the background of the shot, Sean McDermott, wearing a shirt three sizes too small, will be clapping. Well done, young man, he’ll think. Well done. Trust it.
@GMaclagan asks, “Who would win in a game of CROSSFIRE, Baker or Josh!?!?”
Baker. But only because Josh would be disqualified because his shots, like his passes, become lasers, which apparently is frowned on by the Crossfire rules committee. Apparently, it’s “dangerous” or some other bullshit.
@spot_bills asks, “If Mayfield was drafted by Buffalo, would he have been hired to do all these commercials?”
Dr. Super Bowl. You know the answer to this question. The answer is obviously not because people are jealous that they do not live in the City of Good Neighbors, do not know the real value of blue cheese, and have to root for a lesser football team.
@FiveSixer asks, “We got a great QB for The ‘Lo; Cleveland always seems to get what they deserve. The biggest drawback with Josh is his facial hair, not the deep ball. Are we prepared for an Allen fu-manchu, being Movember? The wispy chinstrap isn’t cutting it.”
Allen can actually grow an amazing beard. It’s thick, it’s lustrous, it’s soft like petting the belly of a kitten, but he intentionally cuts it awkwardly in the hopes that some of us guys in Bills Mafia might have a chance with the ladies. YOU’RE WELCOME!!!
Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. I guess we better learn to enjoy the single life!
@DrowningPool86 asks, “:Finishes third bottle of Red Cat: If Josh is a fine red wine then what kind of malt liquor is Baker?”
Funny you should say that. Baker recently started his own malt liquor company. Its name is BM malt liquor, and the slogan is, “It tastes like it sounds like it would.”
@BufFan92 asks, “Would you rather sit through another 6-3 Bills/Browns game or a Dick Jauron press conference?”
Hmm. Tough one. I actually kind of enjoyed Dick Jauron press conferences for some reason. But then again, I’m a big fan of the 1931 film, Dracula, starring Bela Legosi …
I don’t know why I made that connection.
@WittySports716 asks, “Can you do an in-depth comparison of Josh Allen’s acting chops in the West Herr commercials vs. Baker’s in the Progressive commercials and determine who is destined to have a lucrative post player movie career a la Dan Marino in Little Nicky”
Well, the key thing here is that Baker isn’t acting. He actually does live at the stadium. The “wife” character is an actress, who had to be paid an exorbitant sum to be in the shoots with him. Rumor is he smells like cat pee … but doesn’t own a cat. Go figure!
Josh, of course, who is already the world’s greatest economist, could be the greatest actor of all time. In fact, in a recent interview, Daniel Day Lewis said, “After seeing Josh, I wish that I had never acted. Who could compare? I’ve already mailed him all of my Oscars.”
But Josh has more important things planned. After winning seven Super Bowls with the Bills, he’ll go on to cure cancer via some sort of shorts extract, win the Nobel prize for bringing peace to the Middle East by introducing everyone to Buffalo Wings, and, finally, he’ll go on to direct a new Star Wars movie that, I dunno, people actually like.
P.S. I suspect that J.J. Abrams may actually be Adam Gase.
@BobGiann asks, “Beer goes really well with Halloween candy stolen from the kids. Lagunitas IPA with Skittles, mini-Snickers, and Starburst (any flavor) simultaneously. This is not a question.”
@BillsMafia617 asks, “In regards to Josh Allen, we’ve seen the resurgence of the hideous porn stache, but never any mentions of the Mullet. Do you see in the foreseeable future Josh Allen bringing back this epic cut and bypassing the Ron Jeremy look?”
Well, the problem is, Ron Jeremy’s lawyer has blocked Allen from growing the mullet because of a legal term called the “He’ll make me look like I have a micropenis!” clause. It’s very technical.
@TCBills_Astro asks, “I love IPA beer names, actually more than I like the contents. What IPA beer name fits each remaining QB the Bills will face? I assume Josh Allen is Prairie Standard and Josh Rosen, had he lasted, would have been Arrogant Bastard.
Great question, Dean! These are all actual beer names.
- Baker Mayfield: “Trump Hands” from Cannonball Creek Brewing Co.
- Ryan Fitzpatrick: “Alimony Ale” from Buffalo Bill’s Brewery
- Brandon Allen: Wilco Tango Foxtrot, Lagunitas Brewing Company
- Dak Prescott: “Wilco Tango Foxtrot” from Lagunitas Brewing Company
- Lamar Jackson: “Smooth Hoperator” from Stoudts Brewing Company
- Mason Rudolph: “Yellow Snow IPA” from Rogue Ales and Spirits
- Tom Brady: “Hoppy Ending Pale Ale” from Palo Alto Brewing Co.
- Sam Darnold: “Tramp Stamp IPA” from Clown Shoes Brewing Co.
@BillsMafia617 asks, “We all know Josh Allen kills it in shorts, that much has been established. We also know that Baker Mayflower is a tantruming, whiney super douche with a super douchey porn stache, which leads me to my question. Will Mayflower surpass Manziel earning the title Captain Douchenozzel”
… Have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time?
When Manziel came out of college, he was just shy of 6′ and 207 lbs. A few years later, another douchey dude shows up at 6’0″ and 215 lbs. Coincidence?
@AdamZientek3 asks, “Why all the hate on Baker? For a Home Depot salesman, he’s not a horrible quarterback. Do you think the Bills will embarrass him so bad that Baker just transforms into his mustache?”
I suppose you’re right. As a Home Depot salesman, he’s passable. That’s not actually a mustache. That’s black lipstick his wife gave him in return for him promising to never wanting to have sex or talk to her again.
Why black lipstick? For some reason, she went all Goth after the wedding night. I guess we’ll never know.
@JoeyV2988 asks, “When Baker goes to Dollar General does he have to beg Josh Allen to leave Wegmans and reach the paper towels on the top shelf?”
Baker tries, but Josh Allen would never leave Wegmans.
@bodotdot asks, “Josh vs Baker: Who would Lacey Chabert marry if they were both in the same Hallmark Christmas movie?”
Mr. Dot Dot. Please don’t make me Google things. To quote some young Millenials I know, “IT’S HHHHAAAAARRRRRD!”
Obviously, though, knowing nothing of this story structure, I’ll assume Ms. Chabert begins the story either still dating the human definition of a douche or has recently broken up with him, and he won’t leave her alone. Does that sound like Josh? Hell, Baker got married (allegedly) by not leaving some poor woman on Instagram alone, right? No. Josh is the dude that comes in half way through the story, there’s a will they, won’t they, and eventually, he stands up to the creepy mustachioed ex and punches him out or something. She, of course, will be thrilled … just wait till she sees him in shorts!
@JoRN820 asks, “How will Baker’s facial hair evolve throughout the week knowing the Bills are coming to town?”
No, I think he’s going to step up from that. It’ll start with some chest-shaving, then arms, then the legs below the shorts line …
Soon enough, he’ll be ready to join the swim team, bro.
@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “Baker has clearly gained the Freshmen 15, maybe even more, as well as creepy facial hair. Is his wife to blame for all of this, and what can we do to keep Josh from making that same mistake and remain single?”
Well, hello, Babes! He has gotten a little pudgy, hasn’t he?! I think it’s the fact that he’s married and she’s curt him off from any sort of affection because, well, let’s face it. He’s gross.
BUT DON’T PLAY YOUR COY GAMES WITH ME! I know why you want to keep Josh single. You want to have him all to yourself! I’m wise to you lovely babes! But you must share. Josh is always taken. Like a nun is married to the church, Josh Allen is married to Bills Mafia!
@StephieTweets asks, “Is Baker gonna bake up a half dozen turnovers?”
I see what you did there … and, YES!
Thanks for reading! Make sure to give all of my lovely interrogators a follow on Twitter, and let’s go whip those Brownies this Sunday!