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The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: It Begins …



It’s been too long, y’all. It’s time, Bills Mafia! It’s time again for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! I feel like I’ve come back like that handsome lead character in the 1939 romantic comedy, Son of Frankenstein. It’s great to be back in the saddle! “I feel reborn! I’m like a phoenix rising from Arizona!” (RIP, Jerry Stiller.)

Before answering the boatload of questions I received this week (Did someone need some attention?), I needed a heavy dose of the ol’ writing inspiration, so I made myself a NJ Jets cocktail. What is a NJ Jets cocktail? Well, you take all of your lifelong ambitions, hopes, and dreams, grind them into a powder with a mortise and pestle, and mix them in a pint glass with gin, a sprig of rosemary, and three tablespoons of salt. (It should be the flavor and concsistency of tears.)

OK! Well, without further ado, let’s hear from the interrogators!

Now onto the questions …

@BrianRossignol1 asks, “What Cocktail is a fitting superlative for the 81 man roster?”

Great question, Brian. I’m going to have to say the Golden Fizz. Fizz because the lemony juices of our defense are going to make our opponents salty. Golden, because that will be the color of our Super Bowl rings … plus, we are really going to PISS people off this season. #GoldenFizz

@BillsMafia617 asks, “As the season begins with no fans in attendance, will furniture stores see an increase in people buying new dining room tables due to home tailgating incidents?”

Well, Mr. 617. Obviously, one cannot tailgate at home. That’s half the point of tailgating: getting away from the house and the screaming kids and the stabby wife and the piling up bills and the stupid fucking little dog the kids just had to have and the clusterfuck garage that can never be organized and the overflowing septic tank and the constant doorbell ring of women claiming that it’s your baby and the police circling the block 24 hours a day, all because of one minor, victimless tweak to a tax return …

God, I hope there’s football this year.

@Pit27Dog asks, “When we win The AFC East this year, will Bills fans gather at the stadium and bust through security to rip down the goal posts?”

What? No! Why would you say that? Our fans wouldn’t dream of it. We’re a very quiet, reserved lot, don’t you know. Of course, it’s true. I guarantee it. Would I lie?

@MsAFromBK asks, “Through “sources” I heard ‘milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard… And they’re like, it’s better than yours’ … What are the boys putting in their milkshakes? Who’s milkshake is the best and why?”

You see, Ms. A. … May I call you, Ms. A? Well, anyway, I think you’ve misunderstood the quote. The milkshakes BRING the boys to the yard. That being said, there are some Bills players that can make a tasty milkshake.

Levi Wallace makes the most lovely butter pecan shake, which is topped by a sweet potato reduction. Quinton Spain, mindful of his body as he is, can make a healthy and delicious low-calorie shake alternative. Finally, Josh Allen just takes off his shorts after a long day of practice and sweating and work and squeezes what remains into a pint glass.

Oh my god, girl. It’s like licking heaven’s gates.

@TCBills_Astro asks, “If the #Bills are Bugs Bunny, who is Elmer Fudd?”

Any team Adam Gase is coaching?

@GregTompsett asks, “If Sean McDermott was MC Hammer (which he famously used in teaching footwork)… and McD sang “You Can’t Touch This”, what is “This” to McD?”

I can’t help but respond with the obvious: the secret formula for the process. Of course, he’s told no one this formula except for a former teammate at William & Mary who … has since gone missing. Can’t touch this, indeed, it would seem.

Then @TheBillsBlues asks, “Follow up. Same situation but he is the artist Meatloaf. Sean McDermott would do anything for love but he won’t do that. What is ‘that’?”

There are many things Sean McDermott would not do for love. He’s a man with real human feelings, you know? For example, he would not wear shirts three-sizes too small for love. He stops at two-sizes too small. He would not shake your hand for love, for, when shaking hands, it becomes quite difficult to clap. Finally, he would not cease trusting the process for love, because really, what good is love when there is no process?

And finally, @MikeZimmersEars asks, “And how about, ‘That Thing You Do?’ What thing is that which McD would do?”

Wrestle. You ladies know what I’m talking about …

@GMacLagan asks, “How does Batman: Begins relate to the Buffalo Bills? And which DC superhero could Josh Allen play in a movie?”

Good question, sir. It’s an important one. Well, what many people don’t know is that before his stint at Wyoming, Josh Allen trained in a secret society in the Himalayan mountains for many years. Upon completion of his training, he was given a pair of red athletic shorts, symbolizing his inclusion into the league of shorts. What is the league of shorts, you ask? It is a secret society dedicated to creating the ideal physical composition of humans while also teaching the sacred art of throwing a dime to the crossing route. Who else is in this league? It’s quite secretive, so there’s no way to be sure, but legend has it that Rosario Dawson, Lauren Bacall, Fabio, and, obviously, President Calvin Coolidge were all members.

@BillsDaa asks, “Am I drunk or is Josh Allen about to throw for over 4000 yards this season?”

I think I speak for all of sane Bills Mafia when I say, you’ve been drinking, but not enough. You left out a zero. His passing yards will certainly be north of 400,000 yards against the Jets alone.

@ChefBake1 asks, “Brandon Beane, Billy Beane, Billy Buffalo. Who are you picking to be your beer pong teammate?”

I’ve spent many weeks considering this question, as it deserves such consideration. Obviously, Billy Beane has that mathematical brain: good for homework, bad for beer pong. Brandon … well … unfortunately, because of the blood needs of his enormous, umm … well … baby batter makers, is actually quite a light drunk. Whereas, Billy Buffalo, who happens to be my father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate, can throw down. His only weakness is canuckite, a substance found only in cheap Canadian beers. At the point of imbibing canuckite, he suddenly develops a strange fondness for the French, socialized medicine, and the metric system, for some reason. Let’s face it. There really should be a warning label on the can.

@MattHenry92 asks, “I turn 21 eleven days before the home opener any suggestions on what to have for kickoff?? Something with whiskey.”

You’re turning 21, Matt. There is no wrong answer that includes whiskey. Whiskey on the rocks. Whiskey ham and eggs. Whiskey flambe. Whiskey ice cream. Whiskey watergate scandal. Whiskey universe singularity. The list goes on and on. You’ll learn this when you’re older, son.

@BeardedPhotog24 asks, “The last time we had two 1,000 yard receivers was 2002 with Moulds and Price, do you think we have two this season?”

Well, I assume by two this season, you’re referring to Tommy Sweeney getting 2,000 yards receiving. Hate to question your math, but that’s only one receiver. They don’t score it as you’re suggesting. But, of course, Sweeney will lead all receivers in yards, touchdowns, yards per catch, rushing yards, and women picked up by sexy mustaches. John Brown will come in a distant second, as his mustache is not too shabby.

@bigslugger18 asks, “When Buffalo wins a super bowl, I will jump in the snow with no clothes on and scream like a little girl. The question is, will anyone be sober enough to talk me out of it???”

What is this word … “sober”? I assume that is an ancient Estonian word for stupid or nincompoop. (The linguistic analysis leads me to this conclusion.) Get your nose out of your books, young man, and watch more football. Ancient Estonian may be an exciting field to study, but it won’t serve you as well as a sexy mustache or a nice pair of shorts!

@PammaDonna asks, “If the following were an alcoholic beverage what would each of them be…

  • Coach D: Process juice, obviously. The ingredients are unknown, but its effects are well-known.
  • Beane: Whiskey. Look, with balls that big, you’re bound to get em crunched once in a while. He needs some strong stuff.
  • Allen: Allen doesn’t need alcohol, nor is he well-represented by one. He’s intoxicating by inherent qualities.
  • White: Tre White is like an O’Doul’s Amber. Seems like a lot of fun, but responsible AF. A family man.
  • Diggs: Diggs would be cheap, sugary champagne. Goes down a little too easy, gets people stumblin’ faster than they think he will, and leaves people the next day with massive headaches.
  • Knox: a 32 oz. beer with a brick in it? He calls it the Knox shot.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Cam Newton, Isaac Newton, or Fig Newton? Which has the best career?”

Ah, well, that is always difficult. It’s nearly impossible to compare careers of people in different positions, but I’ll give it a shot.

Of course, Fig Newton is often thought of as a cookie-like thing. But, they were, of course, named after early NFL pioneer, Figworths Newtonshire III. He invented the PED. From his shop in Massachusetts, he was able to imbue amphetamines, small penis elixir, and distilled douchiness into a baked good. And that’s why we have Fig Newtons today! 

Cam Newton has had a solid career, but he’s been a disappointment to many. One wonders what he could have been if his talents had been maximized … as a fashion designer.

And lastly, Isaac Newton, famous for his mathematical and scientific pursuits, began his career as a punter. His understanding of gravity helped him achieve punting greatness almost to that of the untouchable, Brian Moorman. Sadly, Steve Mathes hates him nonetheless.

@FiveSixer asks, “How many Sean McDermott handclaps will Christian Wade need to earn in camp in order to make the roster?”

Those claps have already been completed. It’s up to Wade now …

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Which Ghostbuster would be of most benefit to Sam Darnold?”

I realize this is a rhetorical question, as, obviously, nothing could help Sam Darnold. Even the great Adam Gase tried to help by chasing suspected ghost Jamal Adams, and others, off the team! “How could they be so talented if they’re not ghosts?! Answer me that?!! [SNORTING SOUNDS]” – Actual Adam Gase quote.

@MsAFromBK asks, “What would be a great cheer to welcome our new WR Stefon Diggs to the field this season? Bring it Nannini!”

Well, I am of the cheerleader type … body type, mostly. I do look good in yoga pants. Well, here goes …

“Diggs, Diggs, he’s our man! If he can’t do it, the multi-varied analysis will show that when all of the variables are applied to a Behrens–Fisher distribution, the likelihood of another being’s success at such an endeavor is statistically insignificant. One might even say, it would be beyond the realm of possibility. Gooooooooooooo, Diggs!”

@SaveDave1 asks, “With all the declassified ufo videos… we know they are real and already among us. What Bills players do you think are alien and how can you tell?”

Well, I am an expert in this field, so you came to the right place, as I have seen every Godzilla movie many times (except the trashy American ones). Aliens, unlike what is thought of in popular culture, tend to be gigantic creatures. They’re often referred to by another name: Kaiju. They tend to be extremely large at a very young age, with a quiet killer instinct. Their long arms tend to be great at deflecting asteroids, space ships in the neutral zone, or slant passes across the middle. Scientists have puzzled on this last point, but they seem to have an affinity for the number 49. Some say, it’s the number of completion multiplied against itself, whilst others think it may have something to do with the number of Super Bowls the Bills will win in the next six years. We may never know.

@Buffalornia asks, “Due to cap space the Bills may have to choose between Dawkins and Milano. McDermott decides by putting them head to head in a good ol’ fashioned anything goes street fight. Winner gets the contract extension. Who wins and how?”

Well, I see you haven’t been following the news, as this has already happened. McDermott did indeed pit them against each other. While the two battled and did not seem to make any inroads, McDermott tied both his hands behind his back, was blindfolded, and even had a Jets hat put on his head to really give him a disadvantage. He joined the fray, and within moments, both Dawkins and Milano cried uncle. Truly, the right person got the new contract.

UPDATE: Because of Dawkins valor in combat and shnowmansip, McDermott did give him an extension. Well done, big man!

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “It’s only fitting that the year the Bills finally win their 1st Super Bowl would be a year like this, when nothing is expected. Who do we beat in our first big game win and what will the final score be? And more importantly, will Josh wear shorts at the Super Bowl parade, in Feb?”

Well, hello, babes. Obviously, a big game suggests the idea that there will be difficult opponents. Unless the Avengers take on the Bills (and Captain American would get his ass kicked by McDermott), there really aren’t any big games. Basically, this season will be glorified walk-through with the Bills winning by point margins yet unknown to mathematics.

Governor Cuomo has preemptively banned Josh Allen from wearing shorts at a Super Bowl parade in Buffalo. This decision was based on a thorough scientific review which poses that women (and men) would no longer breed with their partners, as no one could live to that standard. The birth rate would plummet, and only Josh Allen’s seed would go on.

Some scientists argue that this is next wave of evolution, and we should just embrace it.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Stefon Diggs is like a shot to your offense. What is he a shot of?”

Ah, hello, Mr. Vikings fan. We are happy to have you. A shot, eh? Well, the obvious shot he’s like is the famous Charlie Sheen shot. It’s two parts Southern Comfort with one part gasoline, one part body juices strained through a cheesecloth, a dash of arsenic, and a maraschino cherry to top.

So, how is Diggs like the Sheen-shot? #winning

@TheBillsBlues asks, “When the Bills win the Super Bowl and I inevitably end up on a drunken rampage, technically, does my Super Bowl celebration begin as soon as they win, or when I wake up the next morning and finally remember what happened as I piece my life back together?”

The thing is, you’ve always been celebrating the Bills Super Bowl win. You’ve always been here. When you shotgun that Icehouse to impress your brother-in-law, you’re celebrating that Bills win. When you drink too much vodka and text your estranged college roommate, Bert, in the middle of the night stating that you miss him … badly, you’re celebrating that Super Bowl win. When you get so shitfaced on sex on the beach shots during your family vacation in St. Thomas that you buy the entire Twilight book series on Amazon for “good beach reading,” you’re celebrating that important day!

We’re all celebrating. And we’ll continue to do so.

@Jack_Wanders asks, “Will the Bills get off to a Hot start and begin the season 4 and 0? What’s the toughest game in ‘September’?”

I dunno. Will we go 4-0? I mean, is the Pope Catholic? Does Adam Gase like mysterious white powders? Is Tom Brady a worse dancer than Tony Siragusa? Does Sam Darnold like to kiss? Did Gronk barely beat out a jar of generic mayonnaise on his wonderlic score? (Duke’s was higher, by the way …. by a fair margin.) Why do you ask me silly questions, sir?

@FiveSixer asks, “On a scale of 1-10, which Nannini are you? We need a Buzzfeed quiz or somethin’.”

Woof. The Buzzfeed quiz is forthcoming … I’d give myself a 4.3 on the Nannini scale. Mainly because I think that Nannini guy is kind of an asshole.

And, finally, the pièce de résistance … @TheBillsBlues says, “Naughty Nannini, Nasty Naninni, Nimble Nannini, Noble Nannini, Nurturing Nannini, Nice Nannini, and No-Diggity Nannini. We have so many names for him he doesn’t know about!” @MsAFromBK likes, “… nimble, no-diggety…” To which, @BrianRossignol1 asks, “The Ninni panini, with or without sauce?” @TheBillsBlues responds, “If you don’t get the Nannini Panini with extra sauce, are you even getting the real experience?” To which, finally, @MsAFromBK stated, “Without the sauce, it ain’t a Nannini … hello!”

These are my lovely interrogators! Give them a follow. They’re a lot of fun. I love this piece because I get to write it with Bills Mafia! Thanks for the awesome questions, and I hope you got a giggle in these strange, strange times. Stay safe, keep things light, and let’s go Bills!