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The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Heartbreak!

It’s time again for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! After last week’s tragic loss to the New England Patriots at home, this week’s theme is Heartbreak!



Before answering any questions this week, I decided to join with my friends in Sober October and only have one bourbon, one shot, and one beer …

This isn’t your average mailbag. This is the mailbag for the true fans who will correct someone if they refer to Wegman’s as Kroger. This is for those great men and women who reasonably burned their $200 Zay Jones jerseys after a disappointing game. This is for all those couples out there getting divorced this week just so they could maybe someday be wed at New Era Field! This is the beef on weck of mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@Bills_Mafioso asks, “Who underperformed more, Zay or the footlocker wannabes?”

Well, the answer has to be Zay Jones, as he did not do what he is paid to do, whereas the NFL referees did exactly what they are paid to do. So, I’m not sure how the zebras could even qualify for this question.

I heard that after the game, Robert Kraft treated them all to a nice relaxing spa visit for their great work.

@TheBillsBlues asks, “Who broke your heart the most this past Sunday?

1) Zay Jones (wouldn’t fight for you)
2) Josh Allen (didn’t hold onto you tight enough)
3) Corey Bojorquez (got you blocked)
4) Frank Gore (started off hot, but performance dropped off in end)
5) Sean McDermott (gave you the clap)”

First of all, Frank Gore never lets me down. He’s my big strong running back who never smiles, and he holds me with that old man strength in a way that let’s me know everything is going to be alright.

No, I’m going to have to go with Matt Barkley … and in that spirit, I wrote a tragic love poem about it:

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love they leave me breathless, I can’t help feeling
We could have had it all

Yeah … I wrote that.

@Bills_Mafioso asks, “The only question that comes to mind: How many referees can fit into Tom Brady’s mouth?”

Let’s see … Referee, Line Judge, Umpire, Down Judge, Field Judge, Side Judge, Back Judge. That makes seven. Yes, seven.

@Taylor_DeGeorge asks, “If you had 3 guys who needed to arm wrestle to keep their spot on the team, who you make goin’ to Thunder Dome?”

Not really a question about heartbreak, unless, of course, you’re referencing one of the most dramatic and Shakespearean auteur films of all time, Over the Top! So, which, in a situation where an estranged dad must bond with his son due to the sudden illness of the mother, and then go win a armwrestling competition? I like this.

Well, they can’t be too young. The kid is 12. And who would win?

  1. Frank Gore: old man strength
  2. Lorenzo Alexander: Zo can do anything
  3. Ty Nsekhe: Would you want to arm-wrestle that man?

Honorable Mention: Terry Pegula. How do you think he originally made his millions?

@TCBills_Astro asks, “Adam, What will be the best song titles on our new album?
….the one for 3 INTs?
….the one celebrating the defense?
….the one about Daboll?
….the Beane-McDermott connection?
….the one re unpunished helmet to helmet hits?

No banjo music, please.”

Woof. Good question, Dean. Alright, here are the track titles …

  1. Three Strikes … but I still love you
  2. Your love is like a gang tackle
  3. Hit me up with that dad bod!
  4. Why can’t I quit you?!
  5. What day is it? Is it yesterday?

@DrowningPool86 asks, “I’m on my second bottle of whiskey pondering the future of the franchise as my latest pour chills over ice. As I reflect upon the hit that cost us the game I get an alert that reads “breaking Vontaze Burfict suspended a year for helmet hit”. Are these officials shitting me!?! 🤬”

See … you’re seeing it all wrong. The real issue here is that the NFL has allowed some personal drama to get mixed into all this. A number of months back, Vontaze Burfict and Al Riveron had a thing. It wasn’t serious at first, but, as time went on, the two began to see each other most every day. Well, Al thought it was going well, maybe even going somewhere. Then one day, the calls from Vontaze stopped. The texts stopped, and he wasn’t responding. Al didn’t take this well, so he began to stalk Vontaze on Instagram only to find pictures of Burfict and Dean Blandino dancing, lying on a beach, out drinking, etc.

Since then, Al’s let his heart get in the way of his job, and he’s been targeting Vontaze to get back at him. If he only knew that hurting Vontaze won’t make him feel better … only loving himself will.

@TheBillsBlues asks, “Your heart has shattered into a million little pieces after a grueling #Bills loss…Which Buffalo Bills player do you trust most to put your broken heart back together piece by piece like a jigsaw puzzle?”

You say Bills player, but I’m going to have to go with Kim Pegula. Why?

  1. She is a powerful and intelligent woman who can get things done.
  2. She seems extremely cheerful and kind but grounded.
  3. She is what scientists refer to as “A cutie patootie.”

@BillsMafia111 asks, “How long before Mackenzie Park breaks Jordan Binggelis heart and divorces him? I know thats mean, but I am drunk this morning.”

What Kyle Williams hath brought together, no man can separate.

@MsAFromBK asks, “What do you do as a fan/player after your heart is ripped apart due to an unfortunate late 4th quarter interception? Give me some Process Juice! Let’s go!”

I mean … me? This is the drunken mailbag, lady. I turn to the bottle, my old friend. But what should one do? Here are some simple and healthy suggestions to get over heartache.

  1. Start a journal. Write down all of the things that annoyed you about the game and how you’re better off without it anyway.
  2. Get out with your friends. Let them be the wind beneath your wings!
  3. Exercise is always good, and a little sunshine on your face can’t hurt.
  4. Find his precious little car and gouge the hell out of the passenger side with your keys.
  5. Hack into his email and send a government organization a bomb threat in his name.

Follow these emotional health tips, Ms. A, and you’ll be back on your feet in no time!

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “How do the various members of the Bills deal with a tough loss, and is there one player who’s better than others at giving ‘feel better hugs’?”

Great question.

  • Ed Oliver saddles his horse and rides into an old silver town as a man with no name to save it from some recent villainy.
  • Trumaine Edmunds goes to Japan, climbs out of the water from Tokyo Bay, and begins to smash buildings and march through the city despite their attempts to stop him.
  • Matt Milano leaves the car but keeps the canolis … if you know what I mean.
  • Cody Ford goes to his lab and works tirelessly to clone a wooly mammoth. After years and years of struggle, he finally does so, and he raises the beast to full size. Finally, for prime relaxation, he bashes the mammoth over the head with a club, fights off a honey badger for the meat, and drags the carcass to a cave for din-din.
  • Quinton Spain eats a lot. That seems to help.

@FiveSixer asks, “Tennessee: Home of the Heartbreak Hotel, where the Titans rehab their injured players. Who’s gonna break poor Marcus Mariota’s heart this week, giving us a clear shot at Ryan Tannehill and a path to victory?”

Tennessee, being a Southern state, does not know much about hockey … who better than the guy who runs a hockey goalie training academy to be used as a secret weapon to take down poor widdle Marcus? Tre Day! Tre Day! Tre Day!

@MsAFromBK asks, “Speaking of heartbreak… how is Brady dealing with one of the top 5 worst performances of his career?” and then @AdamZientek3 asks, “How do you think Brady feels that he couldn’t take any of his favorite “toys” home with him after that Bills game?”

Actual conversation on the flight back to New England:

BRADY: [Sobbing] They said they were going to throw dildos! Why didn’t they throw dildos?!
KRAFT: I know, Tommy. We can you one when we get back to …
BRADY: But I want one now! I need it!
KRAFT: It’s going to be okay, Tommy. When we get home, I’m going to buy you a big one, like five inches wide and two feet long.
BRADY: It’s not fair!
KRAFT: I know, Tommy. I know. It’s not fair, is it?

Robert Kraft then leaned in and passionately kissing Tom Brady on the mouth for the rest of the plane ride home.

@Crazy4OReilly90 asks, “What’s your favorite song to drown your sorrows with? If you had to pick one for the team what would it be?”

Maybe this is too on the nose, but the song that best and most obviously fits the situation the Bills are in right now would be “Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Where would I find Lonely Street in Orchard Park?”

There are no lonely streets in the city of good neighbors nor in its suburbs. What a silly question.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “What member of the #GoBills is the biggest heartbreaker, dream maker, & love taker?”

Well, Mike, as you well know, Pat Benatar was singing about one person. Who would that one person be? Well, it may seem strange, but the actual song was written about a man who does not seem that charming, has very little hustle or flow, and he is follicly challenged.

She wrote that song about Sean McDermott in 1980. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but there was something about him that she couldn’t resist. There was something that she trusted, but she didn’t know what … Well, you know what they say: getting over heartbreak, it’s a process.

@MattHenry92 asks, “What is more heartbreaking to do in life, you decide to breakup with your significant other knowing that it could’ve worked but wasn’t going anywhere or you leaving a loved one behind knowing that you’re never going to see them again but they will be better off in life”

I’ve found the key in life, Senor Henry, is to not have loved ones. It’s a lot simpler, holidays are dedicated to sports, and you don’t have to share your food. Good luck, Matt!

Next caller …

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Do you truly gotta be cruel to be kind & if so, what is the right measure?”

So, I think the key here, Mike, is to find balance. Life isn’t black and white. It’s a spectrum of gray. I’d say if you’re somewhere between these two measures, you’re going in the right direction:

  1. Not telling the person how you feel and living the rest of your life with them pretending you love them and their dry-ass chicken breasts they make every goddamn Wednesday!
  2. Starting a rumor that your person is a Patriots fan then bludgeoning them to death with a tire iron in the long term parking garage at the airport.

Thanks for all of the great questions! Make sure to give all of these lovely interrogators a follow! Now let’s go whip some Titans!