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The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Gameday Activities

Bills Mafia, guess what?! It’s time again for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! Before answering any questions from this week’s mailbag, I had a liter of unfiltered water from the Hudson River shipped to my house and drank it. It has similar effects to alcohol: wooziness, nausea, and a burning sensation when I pee. Doctors say I have three weeks to live … Anyway!



This is not your average mailbag! This is the mailbag for the fans that revel in every scandalous Antonio Brown story like a bitter ex-girlfriend watching the world burn! This is the mailbag for the men and women whose blood pressure has measurably gone up this preseason over a punter, and your doctor is concerned. This is for those fans that have a Sean McDermott shrine in their closet along with a lock of his fair (somehow) and pray that the will of the process be done. This is the beef on weck of mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@BruceExclusive asks, “What’s the difference in beverages after Bills win vs a Bills loss?”

and ….

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “What is your favorite post-game beverage after a #Bills victory?”

That is an excellent question, Mr. Ears and Señor Exclusiva! I mean, there’s no BAD beverage after a Bills victory because it makes everything taste delicious, which is why I save my tastiest drinks for (heaven forbid) Bills losses. After a Bills win, you could hand me a pint of castor oil and a shot of Jagermeister dropped in with a topping of cheese whiz, and it would taste like milk and honey from the promised land to me …

Which is where we are going this season. I’ve already bought my tickets to Miami. Have you?

@MsAFromBK asks, “What are you top three favorite drinking games?”

Well, the entire purpose of drinking games is to, well, get so drunk that Eli Manning starts looking like a passable starting quarterback, so here are my top three favorite NFL drinking games:

1.) Take a shot every time Tom Brady looks like he’s going to cry (Warning: alcohol poisoning likely!)
2.) Take a shot every time Adam Gase makes a dumb fucking face … Wow! I’m a poet, and I wasn’t even aware that I was. I rhyme, and I don’t even put much effort in! Anyway, I just took another shot right now for this game, as I assume he’s making a dumb face right now.
3.) Take a shot every time the Buffalo Bills win in 2019 … this is a safer game on your liver, as you’ll only need to take 19 shots, but you will be taking 19 shots. #GoBills

@Mottsawce simply answers the question of Gameday Activites with, 🎶heyyy ey ey eyyy ayy🎶

Well said, Mottsawce. That is truly a sacred gameday activity.

@BillsMafia617 asks, “When leaping off a 1962 RV onto a flaming table, what is the best treatment for 2nd-degree burns and a fractured vertebrae?”

The sweet and innocent laughter of a child who develops a severe case of the giggles as he overlooks your charred and broken body. #TheChildrenAreOurFuture

@WittySports716 asks, “Is the franchise forever cursed because the stadium was built next to a graveyard? #Bills”

At this point, my lawyer informs me that I have no comment on the Patriots and Jets players that mysteriously went missing from between 1997-2005. Thank you.

@TheBillsBlues asks, “What is the weirdest superstitious thing you have ever done on gameday for a #Bills game? (I refused to watch the comeback game because the Bills scored 0 points while I was watching. 2nd half, I sat on a step outside my brother’s room and listened to it through the door)”

The weirdest thing is that I’ve turned the TV off. Yes. I don’t miss games, but if things are going just shitty and I step away to pass some Hudson River, and by the time I come back, the Bills seem to have made some moves … I have been known to turn off the TV and simply watch the game stats whilst pacing anxiously.

The psychiatrist gave me a pill for that. But what does he know?

@TCBills_Astro asks, “I’ve chosen my menu of football snacks to continue to lose weight (18 lbs and counting). What is the perfect drink for pairing with my choices?”

Well done on the weight loss, Dean!

Of course, Dean, pairing foods with alcohol is a complex skill. For example, it’s important to balance the flavor profile of your meal or snack with your chosen beverage. Some wines have fruity notes that may pair well with something more savory or have an umami quality, and others offer a dry, yet complex, flavor that pairs nicely will an aged cheese or dried meat. Your diet here is complex and so the beverage you choose must be able to activate your similarly complex palate.

Of course, the answer is beer. What kind? Whatever you like, Dean.

I believe it was the philosopher John Locke who famously said, “Doth not a game go best with a brewski? Methinks so, dude. And verily, the squire, Master Tommy Sweeney truly doth rock a radical mustache!”

@MsAFromBK asks, “Can’t wait…I’ll be @ the NJ Jets game rockin’ it out in head-to-toe #Bills gear, waving my #BillsMafia flag…lookin’ forward to bowling ball shots @PintoTailgate (highlight of MY day) Speaking of shots… Q: What is the weirdest object you would take a shot out of on gameday?”

I’m not usually a shot guy. In fact, I would recommend against that.

A path to the dark side, shots are!

Shots lead to Woo-girling. Woo-girling leads to dancing. And dancing leads to suffering.

Remember, kids. Friends don’t let friends (named Adam) do shots.

@FiveSixer asks, “Is there an appropriate age when gameday activities should stop devolving in drunken shenanigans and debauchery? I’m 44 and I don’t think there is, but the adults in the room may disagree. If so, how should I handle them?”

We call alcohol an adult beverage, and we refer to films with the debauchery you might see behind a 1982 Chevy Monte Carlo in the Buffalo Bills parking lot as adult films. Where do these prudes get off? … Get it?

No, Norb, there is no age when the liquor-lubricated lasciviousness should end! If I were you, and I were confronted by some “mature” adults in pants suits or golf shirts, I would use confusion as a tactic and tell them, “Will the next person that sees ANYBODY trying to throw shade on my drunken debauchery, point ’em out…and get ’em out of here! You don’t live in Cleveland, you live in Cincinnati!”

That’ll teach ’em.

@TalkBuffalo asks, “Do you watch the game on tv or Go to the away game?”

I have a projector at home, and every Sunday morning, I get my snacks and refreshments ready, put on my traditional Buffalo Bills garb, and I like to watch the game alone.

That’s Adam’s time. And he is not to be disturbed. I have had some issues in relationships because of this fact, but ladies, if you can’t respect my space from 1 PM to 4 PM on Sunday, I don’t think this is going to work out … unless, of course, you’re a Bills Mafia Babe wearing a Trumaine “The Kaiju” Edmunds jersey. Me-ow. Then I need not watch the game alone.

@SoCalBillsMafia asks, “What is your typical Game Day routine?”

Wake up. Drink coffee. Drink more coffee. Set my fantasy teams. More coffee. Shower and shave (gotta look nice for coach) and put on my Bills gameday clothing: Flutie jersey, jeans (blue or red, depending), matching socks and chuck taylors, and possibly a red or blue beanie.

I go to the store and grab my snacks and pairing refreshments then go home, prepare the snacks (maybe a Buffalo chicken dip?), plop my ass down on my chair, turn on my projector, and watch football for twelve hours.

It’s the best. Also, I yell at the screen a lot and occasionally throw things. I’m not a quiet fan.

@AdamZientek3 asks, “In a PPR format, who are the top 5 bills players to draft this season in fantasy.”

Well, technically, fantasy football is a gameday activity. Let’s see …

  • Devin Singletary: prognosticators suspect he will rush for somewhere between 2,000 and 8,000,000,000 yards this season, but in a PPR league, I don’t know. He’s only supposed to get like 250 catches. So watch that.
  • Dion Dawkins: Big man showed in the Jets game last season that he has hands, can get in and out of routes, and can beat his defender deep. Oh yes, “You already shnow!”
  • Tommy Sweeney: Dude is about to light up the league through the power of his very sexy mustache. #SweeneysWeenies
  • Coach McDermott: I assume by PPR you mean “Power of the PRocess.” Me saying this seems obvious, but McDermott is a #1 pick on those sorts of leagues.
  • Kim Pegula: Fella, we live in a time where the ladies are making their stands. They’re making power moves, and they’re not letting trolly men hold them down. Kim may seem like a flyer, but she’ll be making noise soon in this league. She’s smart, powerful, and she looks good. And if she’s looking good, watch out. As Deion Sanders once so eloquently said,

    “You look good, you feel good. You feel good, you play good. You play good, they pay good.” #GirlPower