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The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Disappointment!

It’s that time, again, Bills Mafia! It’s time for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! After a gut-wrenching loss to the (barf) Browns, this week’s theme is DISAPPOINTMENT!



Before answering any questions this week, I collected my tears, added some yeast and some sugar and made a sadness wine! It’s salty.

This isn’t your average mailbag! This is the mailbag for those fans that will be doing a shot of Fireball if Josh Allen connects with John Brown on a deep ball this week! This is for those brave men and women who will get on Twitter to demand the firing of anyone on the Bills staff whenever they make a mistake! This is for those who saw Jerry Sullivan’s tweet comparing Allen to Tyrod and immediately threw their phone or computer in the trash! This is the beef on weck of mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@ColonelCrackerz asks, “Was Brian Daboll reading a playbook or KFC flyer?”

Well, funny you should say that. Daboll famously fashioned his offense play sheet after the Kentucky Fried Chicken menu. For example, in Buffalo’s terminology, a deep corner slant is called “Finger Lickin’ Good Sauce!” And a toss left is “Crispy Colonel Sandwich Combo!” This serves two purposes: 1.) Makes play calls easier to remember for Daboll. 2.) Makes it easier to order meals during the game when he is peckish and store them in his hoodie pocket!

@TheBillsBlues asks, “Which of the following disappointing drinks would quench your thirst best?

1) Josh’s Fumbling Bumbling Brew
2) McDermott’s Hard Clapple Cider
3) Wallace’s No Cover No Cry Whiskey
4) Singletary Malt Scotch – hasn’t seen a touch in ages.
5) Carpenter’s Measure Once Miss Twice Ale”

Haha! These are all amazing options. I’m more of a beer guy than anything else, but once in a while, I do treat myself to some whiskey. And that Singletary Malt Scotch sounds amazing. Only issue I have is when I drink whiskey, my vision and contact balance tend to suffer some …

Hmm. Maybe I shouldn’t have had a few before trying out for the NFL combine in 2002.


@MsAFromBK asks, “When I was a youngster & my parents said they were disappointed it would light a fire under my butt… I’m thinking Mr. Firebaugh has the same kinda drive. How will Allen make it up to Papa Smurf McD this weekend in Miami?”

In an attempt to impress his diminutive father figure (Papa Smurf), Allen will wear a jersey three sizes too small. Of course, this will have the impact of not letting his arms move, so he won’t be able to throw the ball, but there is a benefit. Since he can’t throw, he will run and break the single-game rushing record set by Adrian Peterson back in 2007 of 296 yards! And since his arms can’t move, once he has the ball tucked up, he will be unable to fumble. Clapping will ensue. McDermott will put his hand on Allen’s shoulder after the victory and say, “I’m proud of you … son.” Allen will tear up. McDermott will as well, but he’ll hide it with a cough and say, “Now, let’s go get some pizza!”

@MsAFromBK asks, “Are you more disappointed in this frustrating offense or are you more disappointed in the fans that are offensively frustrated?”

Eh. I don’t really get frustrated at the fans. And honestly, I am not really that frustrated by the offense. There are good and bad things, but it’s a process.

What frustrates me is that Tommy Sweeney shaved his mustache. With that, he would have had 17 touchdowns already this season. Obviously, Dawson Knox was intimidated by it and asked him to shave … but he’s got to grow it back! #SweeneysWeenies!

@JoeyV2988 asks, “How many drinks are too many after watching that loss to the dumpster fire that is the Cleveland Browns, and why can’t I stop crying?

Too many drinks after a Bills loss? … I … do not understand. How could there be too many? That’s like asking me about too much happiness or too much coffee or too many Patriots fans who have mysteriously gone missing! Ridiculous!

And crying is healthy, bro. Let it out then plot your revenge against ol’ toilet breath, “Big Mouth” “BM” Baker Mayfield!

@DrowningPool86 asks, “I’ve run out of booze, how disappointed am I?”

You should talk to Joey V. He might be able to hook you up.

@BobGiann asks, “Why don’t they sell striped Zubaz with cargo pockets?”

Because, sir, it would disturb the natural order! Bills Mafia already has the Dad Bod look on lock, which women find irresistible! (I should know!) Now, imagine that same stunning stallion wearing Zubaz with trademark, dad-style cargo pockets?! Bills games would turn into mass orgies! Chaos would ensue, and the entire female population of these United States would descend on the city of Buffalo. Look, man … we in Bills Mafia have a lot. Don’t fly so close to the sun, Icharus! Lest you burn your wings and crash down to Earth in a flaming wreckage like the New Jersey Jets!

@FiveSixer asks, “What’s Daboll gonna do this week to get the bitter taste of disappointment out of our mouths?”

All he can do. Sit on the sideline munching away at a few buckets of KFC extra crispy chicken dunked in KFC gravy and washed down with a bucket of Mountain Dew and just tell Josh, “Do it, kid. You got this.” Josh will call all of his plays against Miami, and by the end of the game, he will be heralded as the greatest offensive coordinator of all time!

@ChefBake1 asks, “Who gets the most heat? The Bill’s OC for terrible play calling or the server that brings your wings to you with ranch?”

Damn. That’s a tough one. I have to go with the server, though. I’m used to the Bills failing at offense, but there are just some things that one must never do …

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “What food that’s been hyped hard bit turned out to be not so awesome would you compare the to the #GoBills game plan from the #Browns game?”

Oh, wow! Well, I do love food. I would compare the Buffalo Bills game plan from the Browns game to a dish a vegan friend of mine gave to me. It’s called a big steaming pile of Baker Mayfield. Like most vegan food, it’s absolutely disgusting, but luckily it’s dairy, gluten, and testicle free!

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “If you were to compare the #GoBills #Browns game to a horrible movie sequel, what would it be?”

I thought Under Seige was an absolutely terrible sequel to Gone with the Wind. Although Steven Seagal played an admirable Scarlett O’Hara, Gary Busey was an absolutely charmless Rhett Butler … though their sexual chemistry was off the charts!

Still, I only gave it 4.75 stars out of 5. Shameful!

@BillsMafia617 asks, “Part 1 – What was more disappointing, watching the Bills lose a hard-fought game against the Pats or our loss to the Browns.
Part 2 – when watching the game and you lose you feed after the first drive what would the appropriate response be, cause I’m losing my shit here!!”

Fair questions.

1.) It sucks to lose to bigger brother, but when you lose to little brother, the other shitty little kids are going to come after you because they think you’re as soft as Brian Daboll’s Pilsbury Dough spot (an unheralded erogenous zone)!

2.) Well, the key when you aren’t able to watch the Bills game because a feed isn’t working is to remain calm! When you’re in a panic, it’s very difficult to find the kerosene, make torches, and organize a riot. Remember. Only a calm man can start a riot!

@TomDC33 asks, “To avoid future disappointments can you invent a new rule to replace field goals that gives Buffalo an advantage over the rest of the NFL?”

Sure. Easy one.

Field Goal = 3 points
A player from each team will be chosen from each team, and they will strip down to their shorts. The referees will score on grace, elocution, and who looks best in shorts. Winner gets 4 points!

@GMaclagan asks, “What should I bring to the family’s Thanksgiving potluck that won’t be a disappointment?”

Maybe a girlfriend this year, you big doof! Your mother and I are becoming concerned.

@WhiskeyBuffalo asks, “Do you HONESTLY trust Daboll?”

With my sister, yes. Holding a bag for me, sure. On a wilderness expedition, no doubt! But do I trust him to hold in a fart while we’re driving back from eating at Hardee’s? No. No, I do not.

@AdamZientek3 asks, “What’s more disappointing: Brian Daboll’s play-calling Or OJ Simpson’s fantasy football lineup?”

Well, disappointment is all about hope. And since I never had any hope that OJ could do anything well except play football and act in The Naked Gun films, I’m going to have to say Daboll.

@TCBills_Astro asks, “The #Bills scouts have now been to all 9 of the top 9 pass rushers in the 2020 draft. Serious question this week: Would it disappoint you if the Bills’ RD1 draft pick was on the DEFENSE?”

I don’t know what it is, but if I were a GM, I would probably draft defense in the first round every year. I would not be disappointed if we drafted defense. I would be disappointed if we drafted a RB or WR in the first round or if we drafted Steve Belichick to be the lead manners teacher at the Buffalo Bills newly minted Charm School of Manners and Passive Aggression.

@IAmTheNizz asks, “What’s more disappointing.. the fact Andre Roberts outsnapped Robert Foster or that Devin Singletary had 8 rushes against the 30th ranked rush defense?

Dag. I love Roberts and Singletary, and I feel like they both deserve a bigger role, but I got to go with Singletary. After his coming out game, how the hell didn’t we just give him the rock all day against a bad Browns run defense? It’s crazy!

I’m at work, but I need a beer just thinking about this. Someone toss me a beer Stone Cold style, quick.”


@MsAFromBK asks, “‘DIS a POINT meant’ to be made… what is it?”

I … uh … alright. Following a Bills loss, I think it’s important to return to the wisdom of the good book. It says in Proverbs 31:6, “Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.”

The Lord said so.

@GMaclagan asks, “Most disappointing draft pick in Bills history?”

Tom Brady.

@GMaclagan asks, “Most disappointing movie you’ve seen in theatres, but were amped for it before seeing it?”

Oh, definitely The Princess Diaries. The books were so much better …

@MattHenry92 asks, “What is your biggest unexpected disappointment so far this season on the offense and defense?”

Sadly … Ed Oliver and Josh Allen. They both have moments, but I was hoping for more.

@PhilZoneReddy asks, “Why did Daboll decide to throw the ball 41 fucking times against the 30th ranked run defense? And how the fuck does he still have a job?!”

1.) Spite.
2.) He has his job because he knows things … things people must never find out! He pretty much has this job for life if he wants it.

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “Cheer up people. We’re not the Fins or the Jets. That being said, who’s the bigger disappointment, Rosen or Darnold?”

Darnold. Disappointments are about hope. Darnold was supposedly the new chosen one when he came out, and then he started seeing ghosts and got skurred.

@RigoliRavioli asks, “2 part question! Why is Levi Wallace still a starter? Is he really the next best option? Can Taron not play outside?”

I like Taron, but Levi is still playing well. He’s the better outside CB.

@PostGraham asks, “Do you think we should have taken Metcalf instead of Ford in rd 2 of the draft? How good would he look in a Bills Jersey?!”

To quote our President, Donald Trump, “Losers live in the past … Why can’t we just look to the future and stop looking at what I may or may not have done in Ukraine?”

No offense.

Thanks for reading, and be sure to give all of my lovely interrogators a follow on Twitter! That’s all for now, Bills Mafia! Now let’s go squish some fish!