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The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Christmas!

Alright, Bills Mafia! It’s time again for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! With the holidays and New Year upon us, this week’s theme is Christmas!



Before answering any questions for this week’s mailbag, I invented bourbon bath salts and took a long dip in 50% eggnog and 50% alcoholic bath salts. I call this cocktail the “Doctors say I’ve irrevocably damaged by brain-tini.”

This isn’t your average mailbag! This is the mailbag for those fans whose Christmas presents were all the right shade of red, white, and blue! This is for those brave men and women who know the white facemask is the way to go, and they’re going to say something about it … regularly. This is for those that know when we meet the Patriots for the 3rd time in the AFC Championship game … the Patriots are going down, Gary! THIS is the beef on weck of mailbags.

Now on to the questions …

@TCBills_Astro asks, “What words from Christmas carols are most a propos for certain Bills players? Example: ‘Feliz Ciano,’ ‘Brady The Sugar Plum Fairy.'”

I don’t even need to answer this question. BillsMafia answered for me:

  • @Jeff_Kantrowski suggested, “I saw Tommy Sweeney throwing blocks, On New Era Field so snowy white”
  • @DrowningPool86 added, “Here comes Kyle Williams Claus 🎅”
  • @BillsMafia617 said, “Frosty the Zo-man”
  • @BillsMafiaBabes submitted, “Rocking around the Christmas Tre.”
  • @Bobos__Toupee recommended, “I’m dreaming of a Tre’Davious White Christmas”
  • @MikeZimmersEars said, “Let it Zo” as well as, “Here We Come a Waddle-ing”
  • and perhaps my favorite, @Jack_Wanders provided us with, “Tom Brady got run over by a Tremaine-deer”

@GMacLagan asks, “Which Christmas movie hero would make the better football player: John McClane or Howard Langston???”

I mean, neither. In both cases, these men have to be pushed to desperate times to even notice what is going on in their lives. Both have wives who are certainly being shtooped by nice guy “Beta” males, and only when they are forced to rise to the occasion do they do anything worth a damn.

No, the obvious answer is George Bailey. He’s long and lean, works hard every day (lunch pail kind of guy), can take a punch, lasso the moon, and, he knew how to take on the Bill Belichick of his town, Mr. Potter. I’m going George Bailey all day. He trusts the process.

@DistractedMan asks, “Why doesn’t Daboll adjust quickly against what defenses throw at us? D’s shut down certain plays over and over, and we just continue doing the exact same thing.”

Hmm. I feel @DistractedMan that you might have been … what’s the word … preoccupied? No. Oh, I forget, when you saw the theme of this mailbag. But to go nuts and bolts, I would say it’s tough to adjust quickly when you have a second-year QB and ten new starters on offense. That would be my best guess on that one.

@BobGiann asks, “Is eggnog with vodka still a vegetable if you put bacon in it?”

I like you, Bob.

@ConBone6969 asks, “My grandma would like to know if you want to come over for Christmas. She said you can bring @asper_nate as well.”

As many of you know, Buffalo Bills’ Insider, Connor J. Sullivan has a grandma who practices the oldest profession. Thank you, Connor. Your insight into the Bills is pristine, but Nate’s a married man, and I, well, I have a weak stomach. Merry Christmas, though!

@SaveDave_1 asks, “If my wife bought us both cars for Xmas, and I decided to take the SUV instead of the pickup. Would she be upset? God, I hate that lady! ..Not my wife… the lady in the commercial.”

The key, David, to a good, healthy relationship is communication, not hatred. Many people seem to think that hating your spouse will get you through to the golden years, but, oddly enough, it does not. I find it curious that you come to a sexy mailbag answerer to find out if your wife will be upset about something … I barely know your wife, sir, and I think maybe you should be more of an expert on that subject than me!

So, remember …

Communication with spouse = Good!
Hatred of Spouse = Not quite as good.

@SaveDave_1 asks, “If @JoshAllenQB was Santa.. assuming he would wear shorts all the time(why wouldn’t he)… how would he deal with shrinkage? Does he even get that? Would you wanna sit on his lap? What am I getting for Xmas? Wait… what?”

I … relax, David. I feel like you’re getting the pre-playoff performance jitters. It happens to the best of us.

Yes, of course, Josh Allen deals with shrinkage. He’s a man, isn’t he? Almost the platonic ideal of man? The Adonis? The Statue of David?

But anyway, yes, he deals with shrinkage … but even a giant ocean liner or skyscraper shrinks in the cold. They’re so big, no one notices. And would I want to sit on his lap? … That’s a very personal question, David, and based on what’s going on between you and your wife, I feel hesitant to talk about that right now … but yes, I would sit on his lap. Merry Christmas!

@DrowningPool86 asks, “Like the Christmas goose I too have had enough time to marinade. To me, it looks like our Bills family is about to reach peak flavor. All we need is enough time in the oven. Do you think Chef Beane will be able to complete cooking in the draft or in free agency?”

I can tell, buddy. Well, first of all, it’s just week 17, and we will be playing in week 18, so don’t be jumping ahead to the draft and free agency just yet! We could still win this thing in 2019, bruh!

Also … what have I told you about eating Bills Mafia? Sure, we’re delicious, especially if properly marinated and brined, but … well, man. You just don’t do it, ok? Why not eat a nice Patriots fan? Sure, they’re gamey, full of shit, and taste like sadness, but it’s really the humane thing to do. Think about their quality of life. They’re better off in a stew.

@FiveSixer asks, “Which non-Hallmark holiday movie best befits this glorious Bills season so far? #MerryBillsmas #drunkenmailbag”

Hmm. Tough one. I’m going to have to go with L.A. Confidential, a lesser-known Christmas movie, though it was set right around Christmas. Just as the Bills are about to crack the case of the Patriots, someone above them with authority betrays them … almost like the whole thing is a set up, a sham, rigged! I haven’t figured out who this person is yet … but my clues have led me to believe that his name rhymes with Foger Boodell.

@BrianRossignol1 asks, “All I want for Christmas is for my fellow mailbag participators and the rest of Billsmafia to enjoy a few more wins…my question, sit Josh? or don’t sit Josh? wk 17? and in casting a Christmas movie where McDermott had to play 1 of 4 roles, Santa? Elf? Grinch? Scrooge?”

Sit Josh? Not? I dunno man. Either we trust the process or we don’t. Gotta have faith, bro.

Also, about acting, McDermott has the chops to play any of those roles. He’s the Daniel Day Lewis of coaches, but the role he will actually play will be in the AFC championship game, where he plays the Grinch, living just outside of Foxborough, MA. Those naughty boys and girls will not get their presents this year, and there will be no celebration.

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “Which player bakes the best Christmas cookies, and what type are they? Milano’s an obvious choice here but we want you to dig deep, Adam.”

Well, hello, babes! Let’s keep this “dig deep” thing on the DL. I’ll slide into your DMs, and we can talk about it.

Anyway, it would seem like the obvious answer here is Cody Ford, as he makes a delicate and decadent lady finger cookie. Truly, the gentle caveman’s mom raised him right. But, actually, the correct answer is Jon Feliciano. As a child, he accidentally joined the Girls’ Scouts, but the adults were too afraid to correct him, so, at the age of seven and weighing a mere 270 lbs., Feliciano went on to set the record for Girl Scout Cookie sales. This feat spurred him to learn the recipes, and, to this day, no one makes a thin mint like Mr. Feliciano.

@SoCalBillsMafia asks, “If the team does a White Elephant gift exchange, what are some of the things you think the players would get? ❤🎄💙”

Hmm. That’s a tough one, Amanda!

I think half of the team would sell their watches to buy a set of combs, and the other half would sell their hair to buy a new watch chain. Sure, neither gift will then apply … but the team will have learned a valuable moral lesson:

All they needed was the process all along.

@AdamZientek3 asks, “Assuming Marv Leavy is Santa, which Bills would makeup the reindeer that would carry the sleigh?”

Well, it’s not so much about brute strength but the ability to fly that makes these reindeer pull the sleigh effectively. So, we’d have our speedsters including, John Brown, Jordan Poyer, Tre Day, Robert Foster, etc.

And at the front? Santa Marv would go to Micah Hyde, who is wearing a ruby red bedazzled and sequined “travel bag.” That night, because the sky is foggy, Marv would say to him, “Micah with your bag so bright, won’t you lead my sleigh tonight?”

And all of the good members of #BillsMafia (so, all of them … except maybe Jerry Sullivan) will wake up Christmas morning to an Ed Oliver jersey, a Trumaine “The Kaiju” Edmunds Bobblehead, and a box of Flutie Flakes.

@GMacLagan asks, “Everybody asks Bills questions but no one asks you anything. How are you? You ready for Christmas? What you get me this year?”

Oh, well, thank you for asking a question about me and then immediately making this question about what I’m going to get you! I toil and I toil at the keyboard, straining, sipping, doing shots, and drunkenly writing jokes for you until my fingers hurt a little bit, and what thanks do I get? You just want more! People don’t even know how hard it is to write really dumb responses to silly questions. IT’S HARD, OK?!

@GMacLagan asks, “Whose spiking the punch at the Team’s Christmas Party?”

Sean McDermott … with Process.

@BillsBackersKC asks, “Who is the “drunk uncle” of the Bills organization?”

Ooh. That’s an interesting one. Let’s see. Terry Pegula, unlike other NFL owners whose names rhyme with Robert Kraft, is not a raging alcoholic, so it can’t be him. Brandon Beane’s enormous testicles allow him to drink as much as he wants without getting drunk, so he’s out. I’m going to have to go with Lee Smith. I love Lee, but I could see if he had a few too many brewskis in him that he could get a little drunk Uncle like … not in a bad way, but in a way where maybe Tommy Sweeney and Dawson Knox have to help Uncle Lee to bed at some point in the night.

@StephieTweets asks, “If you were to give a gift to Josh Allen for Christmas, what would it be?”

What could I give Josh Allen that he already doesn’t have? Beauty? He’s got that. Charm? He’s got it in spades. Athletic ability? Come on. Money? Pssshhhh. Women? He’s swimming. Men? He’s swimming.

No, I think I would just go to Josh, put out my hand, give him a firm handshake and say, “Well done, young man.” Then I would lean in close like I was dapping him up and whisper, “I want to have your babies.”

Merry Christmas, Josh!

@Jack_Wanders asks, “What should the Bills be asking Santa for Xmas for 2020? If it were me id say a Tom Brady Retirement and a healthy AJ Green in UFA as a stocking stuffer….”

Gratitude. We should ask Santa for more gratitude because we have the best, most generous and passionate fanbase. We have a great coach and sexiest QB. Marv Levy is still kicking, and we are in the playoffs again! Where else would you rather be than right here, right now?

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “What kind of coal do you think Santa is bringing Julian Edelman?”

The butt kind. Yes, he’s going to shit in his stocking.

@IAmTheNizz asks, “‘Tis the season to not have to worry about Bills playoff scenarios. What are you most thankful this time of the year? Outside of the Bills playoff berth, because that is too easy. Next Sunday, I am expecting a full party atmosphere with nothing on the line.. Including myself.”

I’m thankful for the friends and (what feels like) family I’ve found in Bills Mafia the last year or so. I’m thankful for the heart, the humor, the kindness of this team, its fans, the city of Buffalo, and the surrounding culture. I’m thankful for the people who’ve given me a chance to write stupid things and host a podcast. But most of all, I’m thankful for you all. You guys help me write this silly mailbag, and it’s the highlight of my week. Thanks, #BillsMafia!

Alright, guys! Thanks so much for a great Christmas and a great year! It’s going to be a great 2020, and, you know what? I think our Bills might do something special in these playoffs! Please give these lovely interrogators a follow on Twitter, and let’s keep being the best fanbase in all of sports!