The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Being Single (Free Agency)!

Before answering any questions for this week’s mailbag, I drank twenty 50/50 mixes of coffee and bourbon that I like to call, “Why won’t my hands stop shaking?!”

This isn’t your average mailbag. This is for those generous “losers” that donated to Jerry Coleman’s cause, even if they were blocked and mocked by him. This is for those brave men and women that are already watching hype videos for next season! This is for those that know this important wisdom: for little I am hurt, but not slain. I will lay me down and bleed a while and then rise up to fight again. THIS is the beef on weck of mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@FiveSixer asks, “With plenty of cap space, who is the one big “splash” signing not already on the roster?”

Well, Chris Jones would be a welcome addition, though he wouldn’t come cheap, but he is a versatile defensive lineman. But someone I might look at it RB Jordan Howard of the Bears and Eagles. I think he could be a good compliment to Motor Singletary if we don’t want to address that in the draft, and I think he could come relatively cheap.

@Max_Liebel asks, “What drought era player that the bills lost to free agency would you want back/on today’s roster.”

Ooh. Tough one. Stephon Gilmore is the obvious choice, isn’t he? But I’m not going to go that way. But I would take Eric Moulds. I think he’d be a great big-bodied receiver the Bills need, and he had sure hands. He would pair perfectly with Brown and Beasley.

@RyanHickman84 asks, “Do we still need to address Offensive Line? Do we draft a WR or do we go to FA? FA will be difficult to get someone to Buffalo because if NY taxes in my opinion. I could be wrong.”

Hmm. Interesting point about taxes. I had not thought of that. But, I think we need to address the receiver position, yes. In terms of the offensive line, I am a big proponent of having continuity, so Spain would be the first guy I pay. That’s me. Yes, in every draft you get an O-lineman and a DB, but I think we have decent depth at the position, and I would not mind running back what we had this year.

@LennyMead33 asks, “Ok, I’m drunk. So my question is will AB ever play again and How did tennesee make it and we didnt??”

Well done on your drunken question! Let’s see … yeah, I bet somehow AB will play again, amazingly. Bad dudes with talent usually find a way to play again. It will require him to hit rock bottom and to take a minimum contract, but he will be on a roster again.

How did Tennessee make it, and we didn’t? Well, it was pity by the football gods that helped them win. Sure, the Bills haven’t won much in a long time, but it’s because Buffalo and their people are just better than everywhere else, so they punish the Bills out of jealousy. Sad, really, but can you imagine being a Titans fan? Eww. Give them their few wins. They may have won the battle, but Josh Allen will personally climb the Mount Olympus of football gods wearing only shorts and slay them. They will say that they could hear the echo of McDermott’s claps in the mountain for years to come …

@MsAFromBK asks, “They say everyone has their faults…if you look for perfection you’re bound to stay single forever…so they say you need to just find the faults you can live with…if a FA walked through your door, what are some faults that you could or could NOT live with?”

Hmmm. Great question, Ms. A! Let’s see …

• No domestic violence. We in Buffalo … I dunno, we like women and children. So … yeah. Should that really need to be said? Dangit, NFL. Get yourself in order.
• They cannot have played for the Patriots … sometimes, people are just beyond saving, and those free agents are corrupted like the elves captured by Morgoth, twisted, ugly, and corrupted.
• Must be willing to wrestle McDermott … it’s how he exerts dominance and stabilizes the hierarchy. Of course, McDermott will win, but these young men need to learn.
• They must be willing to make a trek to Marv Levy and sit at his feet like a pilgrim seeking a wise man. Marv will lay some mysterious wisdom on the young man and show him the path to enlightenment where one can truly find peace … to know that there is no better place to be than right here, right now.
• Finally, they must have a negative physical reaction when presented with wings and ranch: gagging, vomiting, and fainting are all acceptable.

@MsAFromBK asks, “If one is single and the other one is single, why can’t they be single together? 🍻”

… I like that. Perhaps, I shall try to adopt this wisdom.

@MsAFromBK asks, “McD & Beane are huge character guys … if you could help make the perfect list of questions that they could use to check if these FA players have that “Bills DNA” … what essential questions would you include as part of the interview? 😁”

Ooh. Interview questions. Well, there’d only be one. The player would walk into an office where Beane and McDermott would sit on one side of a table. A single light will hang over the table like an interrogation scene. The player will be tempted to leave, trembling, feeling intimidated by such unbridled masculinity, but they will carefully find their seat across from these NFL greats. There will be a beat of silence, and the player won’t know if they should speak first, but their anxiety will keep them silent. Finally, Beane will turn and lift a bag to the table. From it, he will pull a pair of red Bills shorts and lay them on the table

“Put these on” is all he’ll say.

“I … I … I …” the player will stutter, his voice quaking and wavering like a cornerback with Quinton Spain running toward him.

“Put ’em on!” Beane will shout.

“I don’t know if I can … I just … Well, I …”

McDermott, calmly, will slowly begin to withdraw the shorts from the player’s side of the table. “It’s no use. This man does not trust the process.”

The player, if his heart is pure, his courage is right, and he is filled with the process will grab the shorts from McDermott. Tears will stream down his brawny cheeks, and he’ll be moved by the process, inspired, and say, “I’ll put them on. There’s no place I’d rather be.”

At this point, McDermott and Beane will slowly clap from across the table as the man puts on that holy garment. Beane will nod and say in a big baller way, “Looks good on you.”

And the deal will be done. Most will fail. Some will know the grace and power that is the way of the process.

@BeCoolFool asks, “What do you do when your Date says they don’t like The Bills !! And Hockey Sucks!!!”

You don’t blame that person. There are many weak people, people who’ve been overcome by evil. You take pity on such a fallen creature and retreat to nature. Truly, you need to take to reassess your life, for it was your own lack of vision that put you together with such a destroyed creature. You pray to Marv Levy for wisdom, to Stevie Johnson for swag, to Kyle Williams for strength, and to Bruce Smith for the ability to tear up the quarterback, and hope that on this vision quest your blindness will be lifted and you will truly understand the process.

If you fail, may the enforcer of the process, Trumaine “The Kaiju” Edmunds have mercy on your soul.

@GMaclagan asks, “Best alcoholic beverage when you’re when by yourself, crying in the basement because you’re sad, alone and the Bills are no longer the playoffs?”

There is no wrong beverage, except for those cocktails made with the devil’s milk, which some people call “ranch”. No, the question should be how much. The answer is you drink until the pain goes away. As Solomon said in Proverbs 31, “Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.”

@JasonCWolfe asks, “1. What free agents (non-Bills) have played themselves into an excessively high contract? ie-who to avoid. 2. What position(s) transition easiest to new teams/new schemes?”

1. Derrick Henry, Jadeveon Clowney, Shaq Barrett
2. The positions from what I can tell that transition easiest to new schemes or that McDermott could mold to play well would be RB and CB (he can work with zone or man corners).

@BeardedPhotog24 asks, “Are these good ideas cus I’m really close to number 5 already”

Well, it’s a strategy, one that many seem to implement, but you must understand that you are part of an elite people, one that is envied by the rest of the world. You are part of Bills Mafia, and people attack us because they envy us, but you are a walking sex symbol. Embrace it and let the energy of the mafia flow through you. Work on your dad bod. Get yourself a number of cargo shorts. Wear Zubaz to formal events … no one will be able to resist you when you truly believe in your inner Mafia.

@BillsMafia617 asks, “Everyone once in a while in free agency you end up hooking up with a crazy, fatal attraction, borderline personality type and you need help cutting her from the roster, what player would give the best advice and why?”

You’d think that what you might need is a tough personality who doesn’t take any guff or an old horse to lay some wisdom on you, but what you really need is an intuitive person, one who can read a person like he reads a quarterback. Levi Wallace is that sensitive soul, a man who will delve into your psyche like he understands the opponent’s playbook. He’s an old soul with a gentle way but the strength to withstand heavy emotions. He’ll intercept your troubles and hold the edge of your perspective. Soon enough, you’ll know why you sought such trouble, and you’ll never hire a Rex Ryan type ever again.

@TheBillsBlues asks, “If you could watch any single Bills game in history with any single Bills player in history, with any single woman in history, with any single drink in the history of drinks, what game, player, woman & drink are you choosing? Follow up, will you get to first base during the game?”

Excellent question! Very drunken. Let’s see …

• Game: The next one
• Bills player: Not a player exactly … I’d hang out with Marv Levy. That would be the best.
• Drink: Got to go with classic brewskis. Liquor is too much for a game. Got to keep your wits about you.
• Woman: Rosario Dawson. Duh. That’s my girl. WHY WON’T YOU ANSWER MY LETTERS, ROSARIO?!

Will I get to first base? I mean, I’ll be wearing my heavily worn Doug Flutie jersey … what do you think?

@TCBills_Astro asks, “I love my wife. She teaches me daily that love is a verb. We celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary later this year with a trip to the Bahamas in March.

That said, should I let her explore Free Agency before then? Do I designate her as a Franchise or Transition Player?”

Ah. This is an excellent question, Dean. Well, Dean, if she’s been a great player, a loyal one, I think the right answer is that you need to let her go to free agency. I know it’s tough, but she should be able to determine where she wants to play.

Remember, that love is never having to say, “I KNOW! I’LL DO IT LATER! I’M WATCHING THE F&%$ING BILLS GAME RIGHT NOW!”

@Jack_Wanders asks, “What’s the single biggest regional Asset the Bills can use to sell Buffalo and the 716 to potential free agents?”

What a silly question. Buffalo doesn’t have to sell themselves to players. Players need to sell themselves to Buffalo. We know we got dat ass-ets, and we won’t accept anything but the best. Mindset, brother. Mindset.

@SoCalBillsMafia asks, “You’re browsing the Free Agent’s dating website. Which 3 players catch your eye, and what is written in their bio?”

A.J. Green: “I will catch you if you fall, and I will carry you to a better place.”

Arik Armstead: “There’s nothing better than wrapping my arms around you and taking you down. I promise to do that every time we play, and sometimes multiple times.”

Kenyan Drake: “I enjoy good conversations with position coaches, dancing in the backfield, and I like long, romantic walks to the endzone.”

@DrowningPool86 asks, “Ah free agency, like the alluring smells coming out of a bar at closing time it can often be deceiving. Who would be the most deceptive free agent find for this off-season. Negative take only 😉”

Haha! Well, the obvious answer is any free agent from New England. Yeah, they might look good if you’re really drunk … I mean REALLY DRUNK, but that’s the sort of person that will only bring you pain and disappointment, and you won’t be able to remove their foul stench from your bed.

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “What can we do to keep Joshy single and focused? Kidding! Mostly.😉 If Beane decided to host a speed dating event for all free agency prospects, how much time would be needed with each player and what topics of discussion should be on the agenda for meeting our perfect matches?”

Well, hello, babes. First of all, Beane doesn’t need to ask any questions. He already knows the answers.

In terms of Josh, he cannot be single forever, and right now, he is seeking the perfect woman to carry his seed because it is prophesied that Allen will father many children who will go on to play for generations on the Buffalo Bills and build a great team, and his dynasty will not die out so long as they have faith in the power of the process and Bills Mafia. Maybe it’s one or all of you babes. I don’t know.

@WhiskeyBuffalo asks, “Do you see the Bills making a move like GB and going double edge rusher with their cap space?”

I think there’s a decent chance that Beane almost over-addresses that position. I think he’ll get someone in the draft and pick up a couple edge rushers in free agency. We may see an overhaul at that position like the offensive line last year.

@AdamZientek asks, “Randomly, in their prime, 3 players from varied positions come back and are willing to play for Buffalo. (Dont ask me how… science) Who would you add to this Bills squad? Cap isn’t an issue.”

Hmm. Well, I can’t argue with science. I guess I’ll choose the best players to address our needs next season and guys who I think will fit the personality of the team.

• Jonathon Ogden. Push Cody Ford inside and destroy opposing lines.
• Larry Fitzgerald in his prime. Great team guy. John Brown loves him. Sure hands. And he can make contested catches. He’d be a perfect addition.
• Bruce Smith. This may seem obvious, but Smith somehow gets unappreciated relative to his pass-rushing peers. In my opinion, he is the greatest of all time. He’s consistent, powerful, athletic, and he’d be a great leader on that D-line.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Which FA would be at the top of your target list & what pickup line would you use to sign him?”

Ooh. Hmm. I really like Arik Armstead. I love his size and strength, and I think he’d be a great addition to the Bills. My pickup line? Hmm. I was never very good at those, but I guess I’d say, “Are you a phone roaming charge?” He’ll be confused and say, “What?” And I’ll say, “Because I keep seeing you on my Bills.”

Nailed it.

@BillsIsMyJam asks, “Assume we have enough talent and character. Which free agent are you giving specula bucks to and why? What else can that player contribute that we can use.”

I don’t know what Specula Bucks are … but it sounds dirty.

Umm, if I were to pay a player an exorbitant salary, I think I would pick Derek Wolfe. I wouldn’t pay him so much for his play, though he’s a solid player, but more because he would complete the Bills new barbershop quartet composed of LaAdrian Waddle, Stephen Hauschka, Matt Barkley, and now, Derek Wolfe. We’ll have the best barbershop quartet in the league! #winning

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Thanks to all my lovely interrogators, and be sure to give them a follow on Twitter. I am going to take a break from the mailbag for a little while, but I may do it sporadically. Thanks for a great season, #BillsMafia. I love you.