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The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: America!!!

It’s time again, Bills Mafia, for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! With the Eagles coming to town on Sunday, this week’s theme is America!



Before answering any questions this week, I drank an entire fifth of whiskey that has been aging at George Washington’s home in Mount Vernon since 1799. It was the most patriotic blackout I’ve ever had!

This isn’t your average mailbag! This is the mailbag for those fans who know what the colors that represent this country are, and it damn sure ain’t green and white! This is for those brave men and women who say “Good Morrow!” to @NickBat on Twitter whenever they see him. This is for those heroes out there that wear their Bills jerseys as they needlessly blow things up and stuff their faces with sausages on the fourth of July because they realize these United States and the Buffalo Bills … they’re the same thing. This is the beef on weck of mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@Bobos__Toupee asks, “Question for Eagles fans: why did police have to grease street poles in the city after Super Bowl victory? Was that to keep your mother’s and girlfriends off them? Not that there is anything wrong with that. 😂😂AMERICA!”

Ah! Trick question! You almost got me. Eagles fans, as everyone knows, do not, by nature, have girlfriends. They are your standard neck-beard aficionados so full of anger that they lob iceballs at Santa, tease the Easter bunny until he develops an eating disorder, and will happily fart in your food when you’re not looking. Mmm. Musty.

@IAmTheNizz asks, “So, hear me out… Bills in the AFC Championship Game against New England. Scrambles for a rushing TD with no time left. Shotguns a beer as a celebration straight-up Stone Cold style. The odds of this happening?”

I assume you’re talking about Josh here. Well, the odds of this are excellent. In Las Vegas, North Dakota (my favorite place to bet, and it’s such a charming town), the odds are -290 already that the Bills will go to the championship and win.

Unfortunately, Josh’s last jaunt into the endzone won’t be as pretty as the fourteen that preceded it. The Bills will, of course, be up my 69 points by the end of the game, and Josh will have already shotgunned an entire case of Labatt, so he’s going to be a little stumbly.

Have some self-control, Josh! What sort of example are you setting for sweet, innocent, and child-like players like Matt Milano or Ed Oliver?!

@PammaDonna asks, “Weren’t American Bald Eagles close to being extinct?”

Excellent question. According to Wikipedia, the bald eagle reached its population low in the lower contiguous United States in the 50s with an estimated 412 nesting pairs. The population rebounded to over 100,000 after some regulations were put in place, and the eagle was taken off the endangered species list in 1995 and removed from the list of threatened animals in 2007.

@BufFan92 asks, “Do you agree the shout song should only be played after the extra point is kicked for a TD? If you agree, what song should they play right after TD’s/FGs? I know they used to play Black Betty by Ram Jam”

I do agree with that. Like with everything in life, it’s important to hold sacred and rare those things we value most. Here are some song suggestions that I think would be appropriate in those other situations:

  • “Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight” by Tiny Tim
  • “Your Body is a Wonderland” by John Mayer
  • All by Myself” the hidden track on Dookie by Green Day
  • and of course, “Oops … I did it again” by Slayer

@BillsMafia617 asks, “Will Nickelback ever be banned from America?! Please and thank you.”

Well, since the CIA created Nickelback from cloned idiots they found in Patriots jerseys at a bar in Worchester, Mass, to control the minds of American idiots (henceforth known as Patriots fans), I can’t imagine they will ever be banned, unfortunately. Actually, the real reason Edward Snowden is banned from returning to the US is that he stumbled upon this disturbing secret in a top-secret file ominously titled, “Mission: Hot Steaming Pile of Patriots Fans!”

I guess it’s up to us to stop this menace.

@MsAFromBK asks, “Scene 1: In the morning hours ahead of the 10/27 Battle of New Era, General McD & Commanders Dab & Fraz are about to prepare the troops for battle…a song starts playing in the background… ‘Oh, say can you see by the dawn’s early light…’ (complete the lyrics) 😂😂😂

“Scene 2: At high noon… with everyone prepared to take on the enemy attack… chants break out amongst the troops… What are they chanting?

“Scene 3: In the late afternoon… as the battle cries start to fade… the troops are back in their barracks… when… 3 soldiers start singing a song… Who are the 3 singing soldiers & what are they singing after this hard-fought battle with the birds 🦅?”

Damn, Ms. A! You brought it this week. Like the Dab & Fraz thing. Sounds like a crime-fighting CBS law duo show from the early 2000s. Hmm … Well, here’s what I got:

Scene 1: Much as I’d like to invent something here, the Buffalo Bills are truly America’s Team, and they would stick to that great piece written by Francis Scott Keyes during the defense of Fort McHenry in 1814. [Adam wipes a tear from his eye.] America!

Scene 2: Well, since the team is a big fan of Blue Swede and the work of Björn Skifs in general, the entire defense will begin to chant “Ooga Chaka! Ooga Chaka! Ooga Chaka!” at which point, Leslie Frazier (who has a lovely voice and was actually an understudy for the Erie Community College production of Hamilton) will slide onto the scene, mic and hand, and give a stirring rendition of “More Than a Feeling!”

Scene 3: Matt Milano, Lorenzo Alexander, and noted Kaiju, Trumaine Edmunds are all history buffs, and in that spirit, as the din of lockerroom cheers and happiness begins to fade, they will sing a harmonious acapella version of the song most famously associated with the Irish Brigade (made up mostly of immigrants and fighting on the Union side) during America’s Civil War: “The Minstrel Boy.” Tears will be shed. Chests will be puffed out. Chins will be held high.

@ScottyVyUpMe asks, “Will Shady be watching this game like a jealous Ex BF scrolling his Ex GF social media pages?”

No! He’s moved on, OK! He doesn’t think about us anymore, OK!!!

@FiveSixer asks, “Who’s on your Bills’ Mt. Rushmore? Who is Buffalo’s Statue of Liberty? And if you had to put Bills on actual American dollar bills, gimme your $1, $5, $20, and $100. #GoBills!”

Damn. Tough one. Let’s see …

  • Mt. Rushmore: Ralph Wilson, Marv Levy, Jim Kelly, and Bruce Smith.
  • Statue of Liberty: I can think of no one better than the lovely Kim Pegula.
  • Currency:
  • $100: Just as Ben Franklin wasn’t a President, Pancho Billa was not a player, but he’s on the $100.
  • $20: Just as Andrew Jackson was a man of questionable morals, the $20 will have O.J. Simpson’s face on it.
  • $10: Hamilton was kind of into kings and had some thoughts that were, perhaps, less than democratic compared to some of our other founders. I think the vampiric Dick Jauron gets this spot.
  • $1: It’s Marv Levy. And E Pluribus Unum would be replaced with “Where else would you rather be than right here, right now?!”

@B__VanSlyke asks, “Is Josh Allen’s laser throw into the upper deck of New Era Field classified as an active shooter?”

The FBI was informed to make an arrest on Sunday, as he posed a threat to not just opposing defenses but fans, airplanes, and low-level satellites. Unfortunately for them, they saw him in shorts after the game, and they determined that the 6,000 G-men they brought along to take him down simply weren’t enough.

@AdamZientek3 asks, “What screams America more: Josh Allen’s legs in shorts or Sean McDermott’s fancy hats in practice?”

Both are great options, but the obvious answer is Sean McDermott’s super tight shirts. Are the shirts way too tight? Yes. Is the chance of nipple-chaffing 100%? Yes. Do his style choices make some people uncomfortable? Of course! But this is America! And he can do what he wants! I don’t care if he buys an XXXS shirt that takes the entire defensive line to help get it on! I don’t care! He gets to do what he wants, and that’s what makes America great!

@TheBillsBlues asks, “In America, why are bald eagles respected so much more than bald men? Also, what is the proper term for non-bald (haired) Eagles? Lastly, is it possible that Sean McDermott who used to coach for the Eagles and who is bald, is actually a bald Eagle in disguise?”

Bald men aren’t disrespected! Was Dwight “Ike” Eisenhower disrespected when he led the Allied forces against the forces of evil? I don’t think so! Was James Carville disrespected when he came down from his alien mothership and helped Bill Clinton gain the presidency? No way! Was Captain Jean Luc Picard disrespected when he defied Cardassian torture and screamed “There are four lights!”? Not a chance! Was Jason Statham disrespected when he said, “I now pronounce you man and knife!” and then stabbed a baddy in Expendables II? Hell, no.

So, the premise of your questions is flawed. But, yes, Sean McDermott is actually the bastard child of Sam Eagle and Telly Savalas, so at least part Eagle.

@MattHenry92 asks, “Besides the Bills and cowboys who is the new ‘America’s team?'” and @MikeZimmersEars asks, “Shouldn’t Buffalo be North America’s Team since it is so close to the Canadian border?” and @Crazy4Oreilly90 asks, “Why are the Cowboys labeled “America’s team” when the Bills wear the red white and blue?”

See, the scheme to make Dallas “America’s Team” was devised by literal bogeymen, the Koch Brothers (Charles G. Koch and the late David H. Koch), in the late 60s to ensure that the NFL and its propaganda would always have a neo-conservative base. Remember, this is during Vietnam, and we needed support for that war!

But it wasn’t always that way. In fact, for many early Americans, the Buffalo Bills were considered America’s Team. Then ex-President John Adams wrote in a letter to Thomas Jefferson (henceforth known as Tee Jay) these words:

Oh, my heart does pain me in my waning years, Tee Jay! I try to find solace and refreshment in our new national game, but as time goes on, I find myself disassociating with the ruffians and uncouth masses that do cheer for the team from my home, Massachusetts. They really are a bunch of douche canoes. Nay, my heart belongs to another. And I find that same spirit of freedom and revolution and national happiness when I plunge a mighty wing into a tub of blue cheese and find pleasure in the victories of the true team that embodies our revolution and what God has given us, the Buffalo Bills. I find myself, somewhat regularly, asking myself, where else I’d rather be than that, and I can tell you with absolute candor that there is no place I’d rather be than in Buffalo, NY.

Hugs and Kisses,
Your “Friend”
John Adams

@DrowningPool86 asks, “My flight is delayed, and I’m on my third “Skytini” waiting for take-off when suddenly the Eagles hit my radar. Let’s be honest with the Turkey Bowl coming up is there a single Mafia Member who doesn’t recognize the Turkey as our national bird? 🦃🍗🤤”

Well, Ben Franklin would be proud, but, of course, he’s often misquoted in his love of the delicious fowl. No, as a lifelong fan of funk music and 1970s movies, what Franklin actually suggested for the national bird was a “Jive Turkey.”

@GMaclagan asks, “Also, who would make the better President of the United States of America: Carlton Banks or Ron Swanson?”

Damn. These are both great options. I think Swanson would have to be the guy, and he’d sit in a room deciding who to nuke … Women would be brought to him. Carlton, to me, would make an excellent chairman of the Federal Reserve. I think he’d be pretty great at that, actually. Uncle Phil as Supreme Court Justice? Maybe Kimmy Gibbler as Speaker of the House (because no one likes her, and Congress polls famously bad)? All of these make sense to me. I’d vote for that ticket.

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “Of all of the teams named after fowl, why is there only one in the AFC? Does the AFC have something against birds, or are they just afraid that Josh Allen would shoot one out of the air with a football?”

Well, this actually was mandated by the league because, back in the day, teams would have live mascots and Ticonderoga Class DT Pat Williams had a bad habit of, well, eating the mascots. Investigations are still ongoing as to what REALLY happened to Pat Patriot.

@GMaclagan asks, “Favorite patriotic movie? ex: The Patriot, Independence Day, Bad Boys, etc.”

Patton. The dude gives a speech about kicking the shit out of the Nazis in front of a 50-foot tall American flag. [Adam drops mic.]

@Spot_Bills aks “The Eagles and Packers are my least favorite NFC teams in the history of America, who are yours?”

Hmm. That’s a tough one. You know, I don’t really have least favorite teams except for those teams that get in the Buffalo Bills way! But I do have least favorite people in the NFL. Here is a sampling of some of my current least favoites (aka, I don’t like ’em!:

  • Big Mouth “BM” Baker Mayfield.
  • Jimmy Garoppolo. Why? Because he’s too dern handsome and makes the rest of us also sexy guys look bad. Plus, I can’t write about him without spell-checking his crazy name!
  • Bruce Allen. Somehow, he has made the Washington team worse … and he’s besmirching the good name of Allen. Unforgivable.

Thanks so much for all of the great questions! Give all of my lovely interrogators a follow on Twitter, and let’s go whip those Eagles on Sunday! Go Bills!