Good day, Bills Mafia! Every now and then, I come up with amazing ideas that I feel like must be shared with the world. And since I cannot get Brandon Beane’s email, maybe if this article gets enough traction, he will see it and recognize my brilliance. Then he will give me a job where I will undoubtedly underperform and be fired after a couple of years. I will then get a job at Alabama because I hear that’s like career rehab and then get hired as a head coach by the Houston Texans or Jacksonville Jaguars. And I won’t have to quit the following day because I won’t be racist or a dickhead. But until then, here are my ideas on what the Buffalo Bills should do during the offseason.
Extend Josh Allen and then immediately restructure that deal.
Most of you are agreeing with me about extending Josh Allen. But restructure? Already?! Listen, the salary cap is gonna be tight for Buffalo. And I’ve been hearing a lot about how they can restructure contracts to move money around which then frees up cap space that is beneficial to both the player and team. Brandon Beane is considered a contractual gangster, which is one of the causes of his big balls. So, I’m saying look ahead. Let’s fix a problem before it becomes a problem. Josh Allen is going to be paid handsomely. So, get the contract figured out and then immediately restructure it to make the cap hit smaller. How does that work? I don’t know. Math, contracts, calculators, and stuff. Not my area of expertise. But that’s how restructuring works, so just do it already. And while you’re at it, restructure every player you can. I haven’t heard of any negatives to doing this.
Sign J.J. Watt then release J.J. Watt.
Now, this one is pretty easy to comprehend. The Texans released J.J. Watt and, upon doing so, freed up $17 million dollars in cap space. So, I say the Bills do the exact same thing. We sign J.J. Watt for X amount of dollars (the amount is not relevant) and then we release him and free up $17 million dollars in cap space as well. That’s how it worked for Houston, so it must work the same way for us. It’s the law, I think. Then, BOOM, more cap space. Do you know what you can do with that cap space? You could sign more free agents like J.J. Watt, which I do not want to do. When I’m hired by the Bills, I will make that known.
Trade up in the first round and draft a quarterback.
Now some of you might be thinking, “Whoa! The first ideas were smart, but this one? I don’t know, bro!” And I get that. Especially after I just recommended extending Josh Allen. But here’s the plan: we draft a quarterback, so we can trade that quarterback and acquire more draft capital. I’m always hearing about how teams trade away a king’s ransom to trade up and draft their franchise quarterback. At least, that’s what my friend Carson from Philly told me. So, the Bills trade up in the first round, but it won’t cost us a lot because we’re NOT drafting a quarterback. Everyone knows we have Josh Allen, so the cost for us to trade up will be cheap. But then we surprise everyone and draft a quarterback like Joe Ferguson or Tyler Mills or whoever is good this year. We now have a quarterback that many other teams wanted to draft. We immediately say that we are willing to trade him for more draft picks, and if we don’t get what we want then we’ll kill him! (We won’t. It’s just to scare other people and make them think we’re serious.) Other teams offer lots of draft capital (picks) so they can have that quarterback and also save his life. We get a bunch of picks in the trade, more than we had before (up to BBB to figure that part out), and leave the draft with studs.
And that’s it. Brandon, Sean, Terry, or Kim, reach out to Buffalo Fanatics to get my contact information. Get that “New Hire” paperwork ready because I’m ready to fuck shit up.
In the offseason, Jeramy co-hosts the Buffalo Bootleg podcast which airs on Sunday. You can follow Jeramy on Twitter @BFF_Jeramy.