Buffalo Bills’ quarterback, Josh Allen, entered the 2018 NFL Draft as possibly one of the most polarizing prospects in recent memory. Despite being touted as a first-round pick, some even felt he could go first overall. There were many who felt that, despite his physical traits and arm talent, his inaccuracy and poor decision-making would lead to a short-lived NFL career.
Josh Allen’s rookie year showed many flashes of potential, which won over many fans, but he still had his doubters, and his flaws showed up many times, leading to a 52.8% completion rate and a 10-12 TD-to-INT ratio in 12 games. He improved in many categories in his sophomore year, finishing the regular season with a 58.8% completion rate and a 20-9 TD-to-INT stat line. Despite the progression, many of his critics felt he was still the same ol’ Josh Allen, and his fate in the NFL would be the same. A continued progression in his third year would be a big story.
Then, 2020 happened. The universe introduced us to COVID-19, and many of us felt like the lube was tossed out, and we were getting dry-pounded month after month. But Josh Allen didn’t let this year raw-dog him. He met up with his receivers to practice outside the Buffalo facilities and continued to work with quarterback guru Jordan Palmer on the beach. He even let his good friend, Sam Darnold, tag along and take notes. After Week 12, Allen’s stats show a 68.8% completion rate, and he has already outperformed his 2019 stats with five more games to play. It’s safe to say that Allen has overcome adversity. But it’s nothing compared to the adversity that his critics now face: being wrong.
Many critics are still sticking to their pre-draft narrative that Allen is a bad quarterback, probably because it’s a scientific fact that admitting error makes your penis smaller and develops a scent that can potentially attract murder hornets (those happened in 2020 also). PFF analyst, Sam Monson, who is also Irish (if that means anything), has publicly (on Twitter) signed the Josh Allen apology form and has stated that he has encountered very few murder hornets but has lost significant girth “downstairs”.
But others have not taken that dive. (I get it. Murder hornets. Fuck that shit.) Some have done everything they can to continue to bash Allen. “When he fumbled twice against the Jets in Week 1,” said one Twitter user, “I was ecstatic. I thought to myself ‘regardless of how the rest of this season plays out, I can at least bring up his ball security issues, and I have.’ Luckily, we still have that narrative.”
While Allen does have an issue fumbling the ball, his passing statistics have improved dramatically. In the Week 2 victory over the Miami Dolphins, Allen had his first 400-yard game and completed 4 TD passes and zero interceptions. One PFF analyst, who asked to remain anonymous, had this to say:
That was a tough week for me. When I’m not making up grades for players, I’m watching every second of Josh Allen for stuff I can make fun of. That game, I had NOTHING. Not only did Allen have his second 300-yard game, but he had his first 400-yard game and 4 touchdown passes. And he barely ran the ball that game, so I couldn’t even say that he’s a running back playing quarterback. [Interviewer: So what did you do?] I tweeted saying that even though he threw for 400 yards and 4 touchdowns, it wasn’t a GOOD 400-yard, 4 touchdown game. It was stupid and made no sense.
After 12 weeks, Twitter users are still posting nonsense about Allen and his bright future. One Twitter user said that Allen is still bad and his poor decision making will get him out of the league very soon. “I don’t really watch him play,” he said. “I just see a couple of lowlights every now and then and use those to drive my narrative. I want people to think that I’m a tough guy who knows football. It makes me feel better since my ex-girlfriend left me for another woman.”
Josh Allen haters were meeting at a Subway after hours to support each other and share outlandish takes on the quarterback. The weekly meetings were occurring in Denver, Colorado, but have since been shut down due to COVID-19 protocols and bizarre blood rituals involving the sacrificing of small animals. They still meet on Zoom. If you are interested in joining, continue posting your awful Josh Allen takes on Twitter or Reddit until you receive the link from an anonymous email. “We are losing members every week, so we’re always looking for more,” one member said.
*NOTE: For those a little slow on the uptake, this is a parody piece. All interviews and confessions in this article are made up for humor’s sake. If you do not understand what humor is, please visit this site to align your lack of personality with your fandom. Thank you.
Jeramy Allen is a contributor for Buffalo Fanatics. He co-hosts the Bills Overdue vidcast with Max Underhill every Saturday. You can follow him on Twitter @BFF_Jeramy.