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It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Billsmas: The Ultimate Billsmas Carol Collection (Vol. 1)

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Hello Bills Mafia,

You may know me as that guy who wrote the Bills QB Succession Plan, the “Official” 2020 Head Coach Power Rankings, and all those amazing “2020 Vision” player profiles. Well, I just wanted to wish you all good tidings this holiday season and a Merry Billsmas.

What’s Billsmas you say? Why it’s the time of year where hope springs eternal for Bills fans young and old. From 2000 to 2016 (and again in 2018), it was held in August & September before dying painfully by week six. Though things are different now. Billsmas can now be celebrated at its appropriate time, December to mid-February (if the football gods permit). So, let us get into the spirit of the season in the best way humans know, with an infomercial for a seasonal music album.

“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Billsmas: The Ultimate Billsmas Carol Collection (Volume 1)” holds 12 of the most famous Billsmas carols. Such seasonal hits include “The Billsmas Song (Nick Wright Roasting for his Allen Takes)” and “O Frazier D”.

O Frazier D

O Frazier D, O Frazier D
How lovely are thy blitzes!
O Frazier D, O Frazier D
How lovely are thy blitzes!

Your pressures make QBs see ghosts.
Though sack numbers you do not boast.
O Frazier D, O Frazier D
How lovely are thy blitzes!

O Frazier D, O Frazier D
Your DBs are relentless!
O Frazier D, O Frazier D
Your DBs are relentless!

Receivers quake when they run routes.
As our boys cover, but don’t flout (JuJu).
O Frazier D, O Frazier D
Your DBs are relentless!

Put on your finest Zubaz sweater and enjoy your preferred alcoholic beverage with traditional hymns, such as “The First Daboll” and “Beasley We Have Seen Up High”.

Beasley We Have Seen Up High

Photo courtesy of AP Photo/Isaac Brekken

Beasley we have seen up high,
Sweetly catching Allen’s dimes.
And the Bills fans in reply,
Fervently tweet out and chime:

Cole Beasley needs to get the ball more!
Cole Beasley is a true, big baller!

Who will Allen target when,
Diggs is unavailable?
Hark! Who’s open underneath?
That blonde-haired, route-running beast.

Cole Beasley makes corners look silly!
Cole Beasley is the best slot receiver!

Snuggle up with your significant other and a plate of Anchor Bar Buffalo wings in front of the roaring Jets dumpster fire with the ballads “(Josh) Allen’s Dimes are Coming to Town” and “I Saw TDs”.

I Saw TDs

I saw TDs come flying in
On Bills gameday, on Bills gameday;
I saw TDs come flying in
On Bills gameday in the endzone.

They came on crossers and pump fakes,
All over the place, all over the place;
They (receivers) torched corners and safeties,
All over the place on Bills gameday.

This compilation also has classics like “Let it Shnow” and “Joy to the World (Respect the Process)”.

Joy to the World (Respect the Process)

Photo courtesy of Brett Carlsen/Getty Images

Joy to the world! The Bills have won;
Let us jump through tables!
Let Pinto Ron be bathed in ketchup and mustard,
And haters shall lament,
And haters shall lament,
And haters, the haters shall lament.

Joy to the world! The Process works;
Let Bills fans all rejoice!
McDermott and Beane drafted well, made stellar signings and trades,
And now we took the [AFC] East,
And now we took the [AFC] East,
And now, yes NOW we took the [AFC] East.

As well as holiday bangers “There’s No Place Like Home for the Playoff Run” and “God Rest Ye Merry Linemen”.

God Rest Ye Merry Linemen

God rest ye merry linemen,
Let edge rushers feel fright,
As Dion Dawkins and Daryl [Williams] keep Josh Allen upright,
So he can throw those sweet, sweet dimes
all day and all night;

Dawkins, Boettger, Morse, Mongo, Daryl; Mongo, Daryl,
Dawkins, Boettger, Morse, Mongo, and Daryl.

Motor and Moss both benefit from Mongo’s mauling style,
As he, Boettger, and Morse lead the way and push the pile,
So they can tear it up on the turf
once in a while;

Dawkins, Boettger, Morse, Mongo, Daryl; Mongo, Daryl,
Dawkins, Boettger, Morse, Mongo, and Daryl.

And, of course, how could anyone forget “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Billsmas” or “The 12 Days of Billsmas”?

The 12 Days of Billsmas

On the [number] day of Billsmas, the process gave to me…

  1. Josh Allen for MVP.
  2. Two stud coordinators.
  3. Third-best pass offense.
  4. Four signature wins [vs. playoff teams: Rams, Seahawks, 49ers, Steelers].
  5. Five stud rookies [A.J. Epenesa, Zack Moss, Gabriel Davis, Tyler Bass, Dane Jackson].
  6. Six O-line combos (Doesn’t it feel like that?!)
  7. Seven 300-yard [passing] games.
  8. Eight [Stefon] Diggs receptions (*per game).
  9. Nine TDs called back (by penalties; at least it feels like it).
  10. 10-plus wins this season.
  11. #11 [Cole Beasley] balling out.
  12. 12th Man’s a cheering.

All these festive tunes for the price of two 12-packs of Labatt Blue!

But wait, order now and you’ll get three special bonus songs: “I Saw [Josh] Allen Kissing Nick Wright’s Mom”, “Billeve Mafia”, and “Do They Know It’s Billsmas Time? (Free Sam Darnold)”. Make sure to ask for your free gingerbread folding table kit to truly enhance your Billsmas experience; our gift to you.

So buy yourself and your loved ones a copy today and spread some Billsmas cheer for all, around the world, to hear!

Merry Billsmas everyone, your Buffalo Bills are the 2020 AFC East champs!! (Photo courtesy of CBS Sports)

Disclaimer: This is not a real product or advertisement, just a fun article. (No cease and desist order is necessary.) Do not DM me for copies or Venmo me money. (I do not have a Venmo account, despite what those other Zach Vaughns would have you believe.) However, feel free to follow me on Twitter (@zvaughn2712) for more Bills and football content.

Author’s Notes

* Player & team stats provided by Pro Football Reference.

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