Hot, Sexy, Dirty Playoff Fantasies

It’s Super Wildcard Weekend in the NFL. What makes it so super, you ask? Well, this is the first postseason with the new seven-team playoff schedule which means six games instead of four, and I assume capes will be involved, somewhere. (Looking at you, Tony Romo!) So, I have decided to answer all of the burning questions that I know you all have regarding this postseason.

Q: Hey Jeramy, how would you like to see the NFC unfold this year in the offseason? 

– Jorge Santaclaus, MI

A: Thanks for the question Jorge. Amazing Question. I may be alone on this, but I wanna see the Washington Football Team make it all the way to the Super Bowl! Why, you might ask? Because it would be amazing to see Alex Smith make it this far after suffering a gruesome leg injury that I still have never seen the video of because it sounds disgusting? Is it because it’s their first time making the playoffs in I don’t know how many years because I’m too lazy to look it up? The answer: No. None of those things. Give Alex Smith the Comeback Player of the Year Award. Great story. 

The reason I wanna see this happen is because it would be absolutely hilarious to see a 7-9 team go to the Super Bowl. First, let the team with the worst record knock Tom Brady out of the playoffs and prevent ANOTHER Super Bowl appearance. Those of you who want us to beat Brady in the Super Bowl, no thank you. That would require rooting for Brady, and Antonio Brown, which I absolutely cannot do. There’s two things in this world I absolutely cannot do: root for Tom Brady, and makeout with my hypothetical son. There’s more things, but those are the first two that come to mind. How awesome would it be to see the team with the worst record to make the playoffs in years upset team after team? That’s the kind of chaos I find funny. Not storm-the-Capitol funny, but still funny. 

Do I want them to win the Super Bowl? Absolutely not. Why? Because WFT owner Dan Snyder is an absolutely garbage person and he does not deserve it. The end.

Q: Hey Jeramy, how would you like to see the AFC unfold this year in the offseason? 

-Some other person, USA

A: Wow, another great question! And very relevant to the previous question. Thanks, some other person! 

Look, I’m a Bills fan. So, I want to see the Bills go all the way and defeat the WFT in the Super Bowl by a billion points (shoutout to Brother Bill). So let me talk about the other AFC teams. I would like to see Baltimore defeat Tennessee only to see them face off against the Chiefs in a playoff game. It’s the championship game we thought we would see last year but didn’t because Lamar Jackson sucks in the playoffs (Shut up, Baltimore. I’m just kidding. Kinda).

I do not want to see the Browns do anything in the playoffs. Why? Because I don’t like Baker Mayfield, and I think he’s kinda douchey. So, I want to see the Browns lose, but I also want to see Juju Smith-Schuster do absolutely nothing. I don’t want him to get injured or not play. I want him to get targets but drop them or fumble them or have them go for little-to-no yards. Whatever Kool-aid Antonio Brown was drinking seems to be making its way to Juju’s water supply. He continues to dance on team logos, AND he talked trash about the Browns:

“I think they’re still the same Browns that I’ve played every year…I think they’re nameless gray faces. They have a couple of good players on their team. But at the end of the day … the Browns are the Browns.”

Okay, Juju. Juju, okay. Maybe I do want the Browns to win now. But if they do, I want Baker to suck and have to rely on Nick Chubb. I hope Kareem Hunt injures his foot by kicking something and can’t play. Sorry, not sorry.

Jeramy Allen is a Buffalo Fanatics contributor. When he’s not writing, he’s co-hosting the Buffalo Bootleg vidcast with Max Underhill every Saturday at 6pm Eastern. You can follow him on Twitter @BFF_Jeramy.

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