Gregg Williams knocks on the door of a hotel room.
“Come in,” says a voice from inside.
“Uhh, I don’t have a room key,” he says.
“God damn it,” says the voice, followed by noises coming from inside the room.
The door opens and it’s Adam Gase. He looks down both ends of the hallway. “Were you followed?” he asks.
“What? No. Why would-”
“Good. Come in,” says Gase.
Williams enters the hotel room. It is devoid of furniture. “Did you request a room with no furniture?” Williams asks.
“Nope,” replies Gase. “I sold it.”
“You know we’re gonna have to pay for that.”
Gase sits down in the middle of the room looking over photographs, blueprints, and documents pertaining to Sean McDermott and New Era stadium. “Have a seat,” he says to Gregg.
“Where?” asks Williams.
“On the floor! Criss-cross applesauce!”
Williams sits down. He attempts to cross his legs but his obesity and joint pain prevents this. “What’s all this?” he asks.
“Gameday prep, Gregg. It’s time to let you in on the plan.”
“Finally. I’ve been really thinking about how to attack Josh Allen and this offense. I was reviewing tape from the Baltimore game, and I think we should attempt-”
“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, but shut up. We’re not here to discuss x’s and o’s. We’re here to discuss public enemy number one,” Gase says as he holds up a picture of Sean McDermott, shirtless and doing bicep curls in the snow in what appears to be his backyard.
“Okay. You wanna talk about McDermott’s defense?”
“Oh my God, you little bitch! Shut up with all the football talk!”
“Sorry,” says Gregg.
“They say the best defense is a below average offense.”
“I don’t think that’s how it-”
“It’s a saying I’ve lived my entire coaching career by. We’re going to attack McDermott before the game even starts. We’re gonna play dirty, Gregg.”
“Oh, everyone knows I’m all about playing dirty,” says Gregg.
“They do? How?” asks Gase.
“Seriously? The Saints thing. Bountygate? Remember?”
“I don’t watch the news, Gregg. Anyway, here’s the plan. Before the game, you’re gonna sneak into McDermott’s office and spike his Process Juice with this,” Gase says as he holds up a small vial of white powder.
“What is that? Poison?” asks Gregg.
“I don’t really know. Sometimes I snort it on the sideline when I’m feeling down. But the amount I take could make a rhinoceros brain dead in seconds. We’re only giving McDermott a little bit, enough to make him a little delirious but unable to coach the game. He may also hallucinate and think he’s seeing floating tacos. This should give us the edge.”
“Got it” says Gregg.”What about the actual game plan?”
“We’re just gonna do the usual,” says Adam.
“Flip through the playbook and put our finger on a random play?”
September 13, 2020: Gameday
Sean McDermott enters his office. He’s the first one in as usual. On his desk is his water bottle of Process Juice. Nobody knows how he makes it except him and the spirit who appeared to him in the middle of the night and revealed the recipe to him. As he takes a swig, Leslie Frazier enters his office.
“Good morning, Sean,” says Leslie, noticing a strange look on McDermott’s face. “You okay?”
McDermott sits down. A feeling of uncertainty sweeping across his face.
“Yeah. My Process Juice. It just…tastes a little different…”
Suddenly, McDermott sits back in his chair. His eyes roll into the back of his head. Frazier gets worried and tries to snap him out of it. McDermott begins reliving moments in his life: his birth, his baptism, his first coaching job at the age of seven, his first college interception, the first time he laid eyes on his wife, floating tacos for some reason, and the gut-wrenching Super Bowl loss to the Denver Broncos. Finally, he snaps out of it. He’s laying on the floor with Frazier and medical staff standing over him shining a flashlight in his eyes.
“His eyes are open!” said one medic.
“Sir, are you okay?” asked another.
“What time is it?” asked Sean.
“Sean, it’s gametime! The players are on the field,” says Frazier. “Are you okay?”
McDermott smiles and responds, “I feel great.”
Gase and Williams are standing on the sidelines. McDermott is nowhere to be seen. Kickoff is soon, and they suspect their plan worked. Suddenly, the crowd erupts. On the giant screen they see McDermott emerging from the tunnel. He’s riding a Buffalo and has ripped the sleeves off his t-shirt. He does a lap around the field, high-fiving fans and catching beers that are thrown to him and chugging them Stone Cold-style.
It’s halftime. The score: 35 – 0 Buffalo. Gase and Williams are in an office. Gase is furious.
“I don’t understand. Did you give him the right dosage?”
“Yes, the exact amount you told me to,” says Gregg.
“That amount should incapacitate any man!” says Gase.
Williams picks up the picture of a shirtless McDermott doing bicep curls in the snow. “That was our mistake. We underestimated him. Sean McDermott is not a normal man.”
“Fuck!” yelled Gase.
“Should we try to give him more?” asks Gregg.
“No. We fight fire with fire.” replies Gase.
Gase takes out a similar vial but bigger. He cuts some lines of it on his desk and starts snorting all of them.
Start of 3rd Quarter
The Bills come out of the tunnel, fired up, after a fantastic halftime speech by Sean McDermott, who is now wearing no shirt and a Buffalo fur speedo. Adam Gase is being dragged out of the locker room by his feet by Jamal Adams and Le’Veon Bell. With Gase incapacitated, Gregg Williams takes over as Head Coach. With a somewhat-competent coach, the Jets manage to score 10 points in the second half, albeit seven of those points came in garbage time while the D played a prevent defense.
End of Game
The final score: Buffalo 56, Jets 10. The Bills advance to 1-0 as the Jets lose the opener. At the post-game press conference, McDermott drinks Buffalo urine while denying marriage proposals from female journalists. Adam Gase mumbles incoherently but does manage to blame everyone else but himself. Joe Douglas says the Jets could have played better but the organization is very confident in Adam Gase to lead the team to victory.
Next week the Bills take on the Miami Dolphins!