Buffalo Bills

The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: The Offseason

It's time again for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! This week's theme: The Offseason.

Before answering any questions this week, I drank a little too much Strawberry Arbor Mist wine and got a little bit weepy. Then I started drunk texting Bills Mafia about how much I missed it, and I needed it, and could we talk, and remember our song? etc. etc. etc.

This isn’t your average mailbag. This is a mailbag for those fans who KNOW Josh Allen is the guy! This is for those brave men and women who now give PFF Grades to their bowel movements. This is for those of you out there that celebrated Fred Jackson’s recent birthday like it was a national holiday complete with gifts, food, stiffarms, and touchdown dances. THIS is the beef on weck of mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@TheBillsBlues asks, “What is the optimal level of offseason drunkenness to maintain?

1) Blackout – So drunk you don’t wake up until season opener
2) Brownout – Go to sleep but wake up for FA, Draft, etc.
3) Buzzed – Unable to concentrate but generally aware of what’s happening.

4) Sober – (BORING!)

Well, Mr. Blues, the answer is obviously not number four. To even suggest that as a possibility, well … your mother and I are very disappointed in you.

Of course, with alcohol, it’s all about moderation. You don’t want to be so drunk that you’re unable to accurately whiz all over Baker Mayfield’s new Mazda Miata, but you don’t want to be so sober that discussions on the minutia of the salary cap start to make sense. If you can tow that line, be somewhere in between those points, I think you’re in a good place for the Bills offseason.

@GMaclagan asks, “With it being the Bills offseason, what other Buffalo sports teams should we be watching? And please don’t say Sabres.”

I hear you, Mr. Mac. But, unfortunately, in Buffalo, your options are limited. Buffalo is a football town, and we like hockey like an every other weekend side piece. Just like with a side piece, there’s a reason you haven’t left your wife for her, you know? Yeah, the Bills have problems, but they’re not crazy like the Sabres who call the house at all hours of the night though you beg them not to. The Bills don’t have a cocaine problem like the Sabres. Yeah, the Sabres are fun, but when she gets sloppy drunk and pukes in your back seat, you realize why she’s a side piece. Still, you did choose her. Crazy as she is, she’s in your life, and leaving without a word is how body parts get thrown into garbage disposals. Give her that attention, but just remember as we go through Spring and Summer that there’s a good woman at home waiting for you … and she looks good in shorts.

@MattHenry92 asks, “I’ve been told we need to draft a WR in the 1st round while I think we can afford to wait what do you think?”

Yeah. I don’t think we need to draft one in the first. Wide Receiver is an odd position in that the top three receivers all came from small schools (Rice, Moss, and Owens), and many of the best receivers in history have been picked after the first round. I think we need to go DE or OL with that first pick. There will be plenty of receiver talent later in the draft.

@FiveSixer asks, “From what I’ve seen so far, it’s been pretty tame…anyone in the XFL worthy of a look by the #Bills? And how do you think they go about upgrading the WR spot?”

I don’t think there’s much we could take from the XFL as the Buffalo Bills, but certainly, the NFL could take some ideas. Maybe we could even trade commissioners? I’d be fine with that.

@SaveDave_1 asks, “Will Josh Allen throw the football out of the stadium next year after a TD? If so, what stadium(s); Whose car will the ball hit?”

Well, of course, Josh Allen will throw the ball out of the stadium next year. The only reason he didn’t do it this year was that he was warned by a famous astrophysicist that the force or his arm might break the space-time continuum, but he was assured after the fact by Dion Dawkins (LT and also one of the world’s leading physics thinkers) that it would not tear space-time but would only produce some harmless shnow.

Whose car will he hit? Unfortunately, he’ll hit Terry Pegula’s car, which will be parked right outside of New Era Field. The interesting thing about it is that Allen will throw the ball out of Gilette Stadium in New England.

@Jack_Wanders asks, “If Josh Allen was a character on any current TV show… what show and who would he play, and what other Bill would be his friend/sidekick on said show”

Well, it’s not a current TV show, but CBS will bring back Two Broke Girls and put it in their primetime lineup. Of course, Allen, dressed in drag will play the spunky Caroline Channing (originally played by Beth Behrs), and he will be joined by fiesty dynamo, Cody Ford, who will play Max Black (originally played by Kat Dennings). Together, the two will invite us into a world of two broke girls played by NFL players in drag who struggle with the difficulties of being broke in the city. Rated TV-MA for language, violence, and gratuitous shorts imagery.

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “We know Tre White has the goalie academy. Who else on the Bills have pretend prestigious accolades for other sports, and what are they?”

Pretend?!

Well, babes, as you know the Bills players like to stay busy in the offseason to avoid getting naked and smashing through hotel windows. Here are some projects the boys will be diving into this offseason:

  • Jon Feliciano: He’s gotten into education and created the Manners School for the Modern Leisurely Gentleman. Pinkies up, fellas!
  • Matt Milano: He’s working on an academic essay that claims Rocko’s Modern Life is just a modern retelling of Milan Kundera’s famous work, The Unbearable Lightness of Being.
  • Leslie Frazier: Leslie in the offseason will do some voice-acting. He will be featured as the voice of some upcoming documentaries and animated films coming out in late 2020.
  • Brian Daboll: Coach “Dabes” as they call him has endeavored that this will finally be the year he is able to fit his fist in his mouth. He’s been working on this for many offseasons (and sometimes during the season), and he came close once down in Alabama, but he knows that one day if he just keeps working at it, his meaty paw will fit entirely into his gob.

@BuffMcBillFace asks, “Ok here we go. If you were to take a road trip with these 3 passengers – what would you expect the first song to be that they would play when they grabbed the AUX cord: Josh Allen, Tre White, & Dion Dawkins?

Ooh. Good questions, Mr. McBillFace. Let’s see …

  • Dion Dawkins: He will play any song with the word “know” featured prominently in the repeating hook, and he’ll mumble along with the song and shout “Shnow!” every time it feels right.
  • Tre White: I feel like Tre already has music in his head, so he won’t play anything. He’ll just chair dance in the passenger seat and make little grunting noises as if I could hear the song as well.
  • Josh Allen: As one of the world’s foremost economists, Allen would not play a song but would rather play a really boring episode of EconTalk with Russ Roberts. The entire while he will point out all of the economic fallacies, and I will roll my eyes. Occasionally, though, when he’s not paying attention, I’ll get a good look at those shorts.

@DrowningPool86 asks, “Ahh the off-season. A wonderful time for rumors, speculation and gossip as players do idiotic things (looking at you Zay). What are 5 things you expect to read in the team tabloids this off-season?”

Ah, the tabloids. What a good time had by all! Here are five headlines that the Bills will certainly be involved in this offseason:

  1. Josh Allen will win an Oscar for his upcoming short film, “My Shorts and Me.”
  2. Matt Barkley will testify before Congress on why NFL players should have the option to be paid in cryptocurrency. Bernie Sanders will ask him why there needs to be so many billionaire Bitcoin people, and Rand Paul, after hearing Barkley’s testimony, will suggest that President Trump appoint our boy Matt to be the Chairman of the Federal Reserve.
  3. Trumaine Edmunds will cause a stir when he visits Japan and is mistaken for another famous kaiju. The Japanese government will unleash MechaGodzilla and Trumaine Edmunds will have to fight and destroy the robotic leviathan … again.
  4. Quinton Spain will inspire some headlines when he chains himself to a handrail near the chocolate fountain of a Golden Corral Buffet. You can see where this is going …
  5. Marv Levy, normally considered a mild-mannered guy, will get into some legal trouble. One night, while at the club with his crew, Don Shula and his boys will roll up on them and start talking shit. Marv, unwilling to be punked will indeed show Don that he’s got a gat with his name on it, but Shula’s crew will not be so easily intimidated. By the end of the night, Lary Csonka, Shula’s muscle will go missing. Levy will be implicated for the crime, but without much evidence, Marv will be acquitted.

@Crazy4Oreilly90 asks, “Who do you think drank the most beers in the beer can tower at the Sabres game last night?”

Tommy Sweeney, obviously. #SweeneysWeenies

@AdamZientek3 asks, “If every player in the league were to somehow hit the free agent market at the EXACT same time. Which players would you want the Bills to pickup. 1 on offense, 1 on defense (cap doesn’t matter) ((Our players are excluded, they aren’t allowed to leave))”

Adam, I think you have a lovely first name … but you need to work on your parenthetical usage.

Anyway, if I could have two players in the league for the Bills? Hmm. Well, I’m going to think about the long term and not just this next season …

  • Offense: I know everybody wants the sexy skill position pick, but I’m taking Quenton Nelson, OG, from Indianapolis.
  • Defense: I’m bringing Khalil Mack back home to Buffalo.

@TCBills_Astro asks, “Use the letters J. o. S. H. to give four great tourist destinations for sun-starved BillsMafia fans in March. The Combine ain’t gonna do it for most fans.”

Excellent question, Dean. This is what the people need. It’s good and important to get away and clear your head. So, here are some suggestions:

  • J: Go for a group trip with all of the Patriots fans you can find to lovely Jonestown, Guyana! Start going by the nickname “Jim,” and invite your travel buddies to sample the local Kool-Aid!
  • O: It’s always a thrill to visit Oklahoma City! See the plain architecture and the airport gift shop! Dive into the exciting local cuisine like Panda Express, McDonald’s, and that weird place you can eat at IKEA! Get a CB radio from one of the many truck stops and find yourself a caravan. The fun never stops!
  • S: Sinai. Some fans should consider visiting Mount Sinai, where Moses supposedly received the ten commandments. Be inspired by this holy place and consider being less of a douche on Twitter.
  • H: Hell. It’s warm, and you’ll probably get a tan, but don’t stay too long. It loses its luster pretty quickly. Anyway, don’t you want to see Bill Belichick’s favorite hangout spot?

Thanks for all of the great questions! Be sure to give these lovely interrogators a follow on Twitter!

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