Before answering any questions for this mailbag, I made a cocktail of vodka, ground-up stale bugles, the juice of one dingleberry, and a pint of hot dog water. It’s bitter. It made me angry, and I struggled to speak clearly for hours. I call it “The Belichick.”
This isn’t your average mailbag. This is for those fans that went just as berzerk when we made the playoffs this year as when we ended the draught because we know, as Kyle Williams said, “These moments don’t come around all the time!” This is for those brave men and women who have the video of Brady getting his helmet knocked off by a Bills defender on loop this week! This is for those that know … we’re not just going to beat the Patriots. We are going to kick their ass on Saturday! THIS is the beef on weck of mailbags!
Now on to the questions …
@TheBillsBlues asks, “In a piece of shit rankings, how would you rank Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and Robert Kraft? Your options include ‘he’s kind of a piece of shit’, ‘he’s a real piece of shit’, ‘he’s a HUGE piece of shit!'”
Well, it’s not really an issue of size, ok? As many sympathetic women will tell you …
Anyway, it’s more about consistency. That’s what makes a difference in shit, right? Obviously, Robert Kraft is the squirts. One minute you’re fine, and the next, you’re squinching and waddling to the bathroom like that time the tin man got a boner. Ha! Kraft … boner. Eww.
Belichick is that shit that John Wayne needed to have after being constipated for 20 years … I’ll just leave that there.
And Tom Brady, well, he’s not so bad. He’s not even really a piece of shit. He’s that fart that you think you can keep silent in an echoey, silent room, and then it trumpets out like a Taco Bell bugle call.
@BillsMafia111 asks, “Is going to a massage parlor and gettin a handy but not finishing considered “cheating” on your better half?”
If you don’t finish? No. Technically not. It’s not cheating. It’s just sad.
@Jack_Wanders asks, “This is the question⤵️…really how do you think the Patriots and Refs will try and cheat us this week?”
Well, it’s not really cheating. The night before the game, Tom Brady will run into the head referee’s bedroom in the middle of the night with tears streaking down his face. The referee will ask, “What’s wrong, Tommy?” as he holds him gently.
To which, Brady will say, “The monster is back.”
“Which monster, Tommy? Where?”
Tom’s eyes will go from tears to terror, and in a trembly voice, he’ll say, “He’s hiding, waiting for me in the 3-technique. He’s gonna get me, papa ref, I’m sure of it!”
At that point, the referee will pick up ol’ Tommy, bring him back to bed, tuck him in, and kiss him on the lips for a good 5-10 seconds. “I’ll make sure you’re safe, Tommy. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”
The referee switched off his light and went back to bed. Tommy pulled his covers to his chin and grinned. He felt safe.
@RyanHickman84 asks, “Should we try to sign @DezBryant or should he ask to sign with us?”
Ooh. Nice move. The Patriots would never see that coming.
@GMacLagan asks, “Question: Who is the Bills holy Trinity, who is Buffalo Jesus and how does he take his wings?”
Woof! Tough one. Well, obviously, the Father is Mr. Ralph Wilson. He watches us now, looking down, and we thank him for his bountiful gifts. Holy Ghost? Pancho Billa / Ezra Castro. He moves in us, convicting us of our sins and encouraging us. And, of course, Buffalo Jesus would have to be Tommy Sweeney! Why Sweeney? Well, like Jesus, he looks damn good in a mustache, and I think Jesus played TE in high school. I think that’s in the book of Luke somewhere. How does he take his wings? Extra spicy hot sauce rubbed directly into the stache with some blue cheese chaser shot.
@Buffalo_Trump asks, “Will McDermott end Brady’s career?”
Wow! I can’t believe you could make time for this, Mr. President. I thought you were pretty busy at the moment. But, no, McDermott will not end Brady’s career. He’s going to end Belichick’s.
After repeated times getting caught trying to cheat, McDermott will grab those snot-nosed brats by the ear and return them to their father. At which point, Bill will puff out his chest and say, “Hey! You can’t treat my boys that way!”
McDermott will slow remove his aviator sunglasses and say, “Somebody needs to teach them some manners.”
Belichick, in a fit of 90s-style rage, will pull a switchblade from his hoodie, snap it open, and say, “What you gonna do about it, Walker? Err, McDermott?”
Of course, McDermott will disarm Belichick, get him to the ground with a vicious front kick, and choke out the bully coach.
Tom will be crying, for sure. Urine stains will run down his leg, and a puddle will have formed beneath his ugg boots.
@BrianRossignol1 asks, “We all seen the Joe Dirt look-alike son that Bill Belichick has sired, idgaf we won!! Drink it if ya got it. Q: what beer should be the official beer of the buffalo bills that will include a caption of Marc Miller and quote, “Patriots are Going Down, Tommy!” and @GMacLagan asks, “I’m no Adam, by any means. But the question here is do we want a lightweight “lawnmower” beer that you drink multiples at game and not get too fucked up? Or do you want a 1 and done barley wine that will fuck you up after 2 bottles.”
The game is at 4:30 PM on Saturday, which means, you need to pace yourself. No drinking before Wednesday afternoon this week. So, I’m going to go with more of a lawnmower / all day sort of session ale. But I think this unique beer should be radioactive to help trigger the Kaiju, Trumaine Edmunds. If Godzilla films have taught me anything, it’s that Kaijus get extra power and motivation from radiation.
So, maybe the Lawnmower Neutron Bomb IPA. Yeah. I want that now.
@DrowningPool86 asks, “3pm is Sake Bomb Time! That said, what would be more satisfying:
1) Josh completely out playing TB who after the game gives the lad proper respect and praise
2) Ed Oliver literally splitting TB in half with one impressive sack
3) Belichick being hauled off field by the FBI”
I … I … I want …
@BillsMafia617 asks, “The Pats are 6 – 5 (rings vs “gates”) There’s been SpyGate, DeflateGate, MassageGate, SpyGate 2.0 to name a few. My question is, will Tom and Bill surpass their championship wins with controversial issues and what new “Gates” can we expect from the Cheatriots?”
Great question! Not many people know this, but they already have surpassed their championships with some lesser-known “gates” or controversies. For example,
- Pooped in the Urinal-Gate: Turned out it was Gronk. He usually used the back yard, but it was raining.
- Don’t Pick on Idiots-Gate: Belichick and co. gave Buddy Nix bad advice in the draft as a joke. Not very nice.
- Spygate 3: “From Russia with Love” When Tom Brady met with the Russians to hack the US elections and also pledge his undying commitment and love to the Kremlin, Stalinism, and the forces of darkness in general.
@Bobos__Toupee asks, “Not only does the other NFL teams have to put up with the cheating but Poor Gisele has to put up with it as well. Between the cheating, UGG wearing, kissing the children on the lips, temper tantrums where will she draw the lines?”
Well, it’s hard to say what is really going on in relationships, but sources close to Gisele claim her browser history has seen an uptick of google image searches of “Josh Allen in shorts.”
@FiveSixer asks, “Is there anything the Pats, Brady, or Belichick won’t cheat at? Brady left his first wife for a model, Bill can’t be trusted w/ anything more than a Fisher Price camera, and the team in general is sketchy around rules. What’s behind the line they habitually cross? #drunkenmailbag”
Revenge, Norb. Revenge. Belichick grew up being picked on for being a doofy fat kid who mumbled. He wasn’t athletic, handsome, and from interviews I’ve compiled from women who knew him in his college days, he was a diminutive and fragile lover.
But Belichick wasn’t going to lose. He was going to get mean and cheat and win! So, he found a useful idiot, a pretty man who spoke well and had some athleticism, brainwashed the poor mayo-brained Californian, and now, uses him to get his revenge on the world. That is why he cheats.
@Jeff_Kantrowski asks, “Is Julian Edelman the QB of the future?”
@MikeZimmersEars asks, “How many horcruxes do you think TB12 currently possesses?”
Don’t make me Google things, Mike! Damn. How many times do I have to say that?
@MikeZimmersEars asks, “What would be the most deflating way to defeat New England?”
… I see what you did there. Hmm. I suppose some sort of thrown game by the Patriots where a quid pro quo was established between Connor J. Sullivan’s grandma and Robert Kraft at a massage parlor. That would be pretty deflating and make the whole fanbase go a bit limp … if you will.
@GMaclagan asks, “Would Belichick steal candy from a baby and how much?”
Yes, they’ll steal from babies. For example, last I checked, they stole $9,000,000 from Antonio Brown.
GMaclagan asks, “Which fictional character are the Pats most like: Megatron, Skeletor, or Sid from Toy Story?”
Nah. They are a team, so they need to be compared to a fictitious villainous group like the Hydra, The Sinister Six, The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, etc. So, in that vein, I will pick the most dastardly and foul fictional villain group I have ever seen or heard … The Jonas Brothers.
@IAmTheNizz asks, “So, I was drinking alcohol last night at the airport waiting for the Bills to arrive.. and brought some alcohol if Josh Allen or any of the boys wanted one. That being said, who do you think will deserve a beer after we beat the Patriots and then go on to win the division?”
Ed “Captain Insano” Oliver. It’s lining up for him this game. Pats have weak Center play, and Ed is improving every week. Of course, I imagine ol’ Ed drinks by taking a bite out of the side of the can and chugs it that way. So, make sure you don’t get bottles. That’s how he chipped his tooth last time.
@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “What pleases you more, Brady throwing his helmet on the sidelines, or Edelman having a toddler temper tantrum after an interception?”
What if Brady throws his helmet on the sideline and it hits Edelman, and then Edelman gets mad and won’t cuddle with Tom later that night, thereby ruining what would be a lovely evening? That pleases me.
@AdamZientek3 asks, “What do you trust more: an unassuming man with a very clear fake mustache recording your practice OR Robert Kraft walking out of a massage parlor?”
Yeesh. I mean, at least with the latter, I can trust that it’s actually Robert Kraft.
Thanks for reading! Be sure to give these lovely interrogators a follow on Twitter, and let’s go beat those Pats!