Buffalo Bills

The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Bye! Bye! Bye!

It's that time, again, Bills Mafia! It's time for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! This week's theme? Well, we are on a Bye Week, and as N'Sync so eloquently said, "Bye! Bye! Bye!"

Before answering any questions this week, I had five full-size Clamato Bloody Marys. Because nothing says “Bye” to your good senses than freshly-squeezed clam juice and a disproportionate amount of alcohol.

This isn’t your average mailbag. This is the mailbag for those fans that made the trek to Nashville and made Taylor Lewan cry. This is for those men and women that practice shouting “DUUUUUKE!” in front of a mirror every day to make sure they get it right! This is for those heroes who love their friend so much that they’ll smash them through a table! This is the beef on weck of mailbags!


Now on to the questions …

@BobGiann asks, “Is meatloaf a sandwich?”

Great question, Bobbo! Except, I’m not sure what this has to do with the Buffalo Bills bye week. Hmm … Oh well. Yes, technically, meatloaf can be a sandwich. According to the Orxford Anglish Dickshunairy, Meatloaf can be defined three ways:

  1. A meat and bread combination often eaten as a loaf or eaten the second day as slices on a sandwich (the latter being much more delicious).
  2. A hefty singer who may or may not be Batman, what with his suspicious song, “Bat out of hell.”
  3. A sexual position banned in 38 states, though surprisingly legal in Kansas and endorsed by ex-Governor, Sam Brownback, that involves a cup of dried bread crumbs, one egg, one white onion (chopped), one cup milk, two tablespoons brown sugar, two tablespoons of mustard, one-third of a cup of ketchup, one and a half pounds of ground beef, salt and pepper to taste, and a leather-clad man named Mephistopheles who wields an electric hand mixer and a mop handle.

@spot_bills asks, “Which early Sunday game will you be watching?

  • Skins-Fins
  • Seahawks-Browns
  • Texans-Chiefs
  • Eagles-Vikes
  • Saints-Jags”

Great question! Man. This is tough. The Texans vs. Chiefs game is sure to be a classic, and Eagles vs. Vikings will be a good game! Of course, it’s never a disappointment to watch Uncle Rico throwing it around the yard, and you know I love watching Big Mouth Baker Mayfield (BMBM for short) getting his ass whipped …

But I have to go with Skins v. Fins. I watch most games with my buddy Everett, who is somehow a diehard Dolphins fan, and … it’s been rough for him this season. He’s not into the tanking, and this game could be historical for its football ineptitude. It’ll be like Antonio Brown and George W. Bush competing in a spelling bee!

Such a train wreck … I should look away, but I can’t. I can’t.

@SoCalBillsMafia asks, “What are some things that you’ve seen during the games, that you’d like to say “Bye, bye, bye” to?”

Well. While football is fun, sometimes it’s important to remember that there are more pressing things that go on in life and outside of the game. After seeing that poor young man smash his face in Nashville, I think something must be done with the table-smashing.

I don’t think we should get rid of it! But I think it requires some regulation. I suggest we create a panel of experts who are used to being smashed through stuff to show up in the parking lots and create a safe and fun table-smashing environment and ensure that the only people who get hurt getting smashed through tables are Patriots fans.

Here is my suggested panel:

Ric Flair: Expert at smashing. Retired, so he has time on his hands. Also, says, “Woo!”
Gus Frerotte: This famous QB smashed his face against a wall during a game and concussed himself. This guy knows something about smashing safety.
Martha Stewart: She’s an expert on tables and how to properly set them before smashing. Plus, as a young woman, she was the North Dakota state mud wrestling champion, so she knows something about physical toughness. This woman can do anything.


@TheBillsBlues asks, “The Bills defense is so good they will likely have to say “bye, bye, bye!” to a key player in a few years. Who will it be and will that player soar to new heights with a new team like Justin Timberlake or will they have already peaked like Lance Bass?”

Oh, this is an important question as we look forward. While I understand your premise, I think you’re wrong. The entire Bills defense, having realized they are the most powerful organization on Earth, will decide to forgo contracts and money, realizing that with great power comes great responsibility.

They will form a group they’ll call “The League of Avenging Super Buddies!” and in their time away from football, they will fight crime, take out international terrorists, and find the evidence necessary to finally put the villain, Robert Kraft, away for good for getting a Handy J.

@JackWanders asks, “Being that Duke Williams was activated and had a nice game in Nashville and seemingly passed Zay….and w The staff liking Foster who hasn’t played much this year…is it time for the Bills to say Adios and Via con Dios to Zay Jones?”

and

@FiveSixer asks, “I’ve seen a few ridiculous tweets suggesting Zay has some trade value (I don’t think he does, especially after Duke’s coming out party). When the Bills say bye to him, what can we reasonably expect in return, if anything? Doesn’t even have to be football-related!”

Well. These questions were asked before the Zay Jones trade to the Raiders. As many people know, Zay was dealt for a 5th round pick, but what people don’t know is that there was some fine print in the deal. Most people don’t read the fine print in the deal, but they should …

That’s because Brandon Beane isn’t actually that interested in football. He grew up a huge fan of the Mortal Kombat series of games, and his hero is Shang Tsung. If a player sticks on the new roster for over a year, Brandon Beane gets the soul of the opposing coach and GM. This is why he has made so many moves and loves to wheel and deal. His collection of souls are growing. Soon … he’ll be be able to pit the forces of the Outworld against the human warriors in Earthrealm.

Brndon Beane after every trade …


@Crazy4OReilly90 asks, “Who from the team do you think will have the most fun on their bye week?”

Brian Daboll. You don’t get that figure without enjoying a Picasso’s Pizza or seven. Just saying.

@DrowningPool86 asks, “The question wants to discuss the theme of bye but the asker wants sexy 🤔. No sexier question then who to Kiss Marry Cut from the O-line with the added caveat of Cheat with an O-linesman from another team.”

Hmm. Kiss, Marry, Cut and a Cheat, eh? Here goes:

  • Kiss: Jon Feliciano. He seems like a passionate guy, like he’ll take you places, you know?
  • Marry: Dion Dawkins. Dion seems like he’d be the kind of guy you could snuggle with every night and watch Netflix and just be happy. Simple ease and fun. Yeah.
  • Cut: Woof. Let’s see … I don’t want to cut anyone, but if I did, it would be Spencer Long. He still kind of smells like Jets.
  • Cheat: Gonna have to go with Tyron Smith here. Yes, I know he’s a Cowboy, and, therefore, evil. But he’s a handsome devil and a bad boy, and for a giant man, he’s in incredible shape. Who doesn’t love the bad boy?

@RichardBuffalo2 asks, “Stuck on a desert island with the 53 man roster. Who do you eat first?”

See. A lot of people are going to suggest eating a fat guy first. But no, that’s a stranded on a deserted island rookie mistake! You want to befriend the fat guys, gain their trust, because they will want to eat the most, and you want to stay off the menu. So, you have to ask, who would the O-Lineman like to eat?

Well, who is on their ass every day? That’s right. Offensive line coach, Bobby Johnson. Love you, Bobby, but you’re a sacrifice that needs to be made. Soon, you plot with the Offensive Lineman to take on the diva receivers who get all of the pub or maybe the QB that throws interceptions when the line is blocking just fine.

Yes, eventually, you’ll be on a spit with Cody Ford, Ty Nsekhe, and Jon Feliciano playing rock, paper, scissors over who gets your man bacon … but at least you outlasted the skill position players.

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “Which five players would be most likely to form a boy band during the Bye, and what song would be a smash for them?”

Easy.

  • Dawson Knox: Handsome, frontman, with beautiful curls like J-Tim.
  • Tommy Sweeney: Awesome facial hair. Good for tickling.
  • John Brown: The quiet, sensitive one.
  • Matt Milano: The dangerous bad boy.
  • Lorenzo Alexander: Because every boy band needs that one guy who is awkwardly way older than everyone else.

Their hit singles:

  • I want it the Process Way!
  • What makes you beautiful (for Josh)
  • I’ll make sacks to you!
  • Tearin’ Up the Quarterback!
  • MmmBlock!
  • As Long as You Pay Me!

@MsAFromBK asks, “The Bills have improved in many ways since the McD era began… what are some things that we as fans can happily say we’ve said “bye-bye” to since this time? What’s no longer a problem for the Bills?”

See. The head coach’s personal shower used to have this drain issue. It was always backing up, but, for some reason, since McDermott has taken over, the issue has gone away. Maybe it’s magic. Maybe he’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

@TCBills_Astro asks, “Easy? Pish-posh. What will Zay Jones do during the Bye Week to outdo his last year’s performance? How will it involve these five items?

  • fluffernutter
  • New Era cap
  • pit bull
  • ice-maker
  • plate-glass window

Well, of course, Zay Jones is now with the Raiders, which makes this much easier, as all five of these elements are part of the Raiders’ players daily regime:

  • Start practice off right with some fluffernutter stickum. There’s nothing in the rules against that. It’s what Lester Hayes switched too after Stickum was banned.
  • Put on a Raiders New Era Cap and spend an hour a day working on a gangsta rap album.
  • During practice, the Raiders listen to Pitbull’s “Don’t Stop the Party” on loop because, according to Jon Gruden, that song is a banger.
  • Since the Raiders can’t seem to afford a new stadium, they also struggle to pay for ice baths, so the team sticks their sweaty limbs into the ice maker after practice. And, yes, they still use that same machine for mealtime.
  • After practice, Mike Mayock, a crafty person by nature, leads the team in a glass painting and wine exercise to boost creativity, create bonds among the team, and to just have a girls’ night out. Richie Incognito has been banned from the activity, though, because he continues to eat the glass and ruin everybody’s good time.

@MsAFromBK asks, “If you had to say “bye-bye” to anyone on the team after these first five weeks who would it be and why?”

That’s a tough one. I’ll have to go with … Matt Barkley. I love the guy, but he’s really been pushing this whole getting paid by Bitcoin thing among the team, which has been a distraction. Last week, he started handing out a little red book filled with his own quotes about finances and the nature of NFL economics. He’s created quite the stir among the Pegulas and the front office as he talks about player pay not coming from some central authority but a mandate from the masses. While he’s a talented player, Bills’ new Assistant GM, Joseph McCarthy, demands we get rid of the backup QB.

Strange times we’re living in ….

@AdamZientek3 asks, “Do you think having a coaching staff actively trying to make the team better is more fun than 2 large oafs riding a bicycle together? (Good riddance Rexy)”

Think you just answered your own question, buddy. Thing is, though, winning is fun, but you’ve got to give it to those portly Ryan bros. They were fun, even if their combined IQ was slightly less than a medium sized jar of Hellmann’s Mayonnaise.

@MattHenry92 asks, “Coming into the season what was your biggest worries coming into the bye vs now coming into the bye?”

Honestly, my biggest worry was that we’d come out flat and struggle early in the season as the Bills have a penchant to do. Now, I’m worried about Josh Allen’s development, whether we are a paper tiger, and if Cody Ford will ever call me back.

I DIDN’T MEAN IT, CODY! WE ALL SAY THINGS WE REGRET! YOU’RE NOT PERFECT EITHER, OKAY?! JUST ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE!

[Adam sobs into his oversized Ford jersey and thinks about what might have been … ]

@StephieTweets asks, “Do you think the Bills will be prepared to beat the Dolphins?”

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