Buffalo Bills

The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Home Sweet Home

It's that time again, Bills Mafia! It's time for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag, and this week's theme is for our home opener: "Home Sweet Home!"

I got some great questions from Bills Mafia, but before answering any questions this week, I shared a glass of Sherry wine with Sam Darnold … and now, I’m feeling super tired all the time. It’s weird.

This isn’t your average mailbag! This is the mailbag for the true Buffalo Bills fans! This is the men and women who will be chanting “VIVA LOS BILLS!” in the stands as the game begins to honor Pancho Billa! This is for those that took time this week to remember Ezra Castro, reflect, and ask ourselves if we learned something from him, if we could be a better person. This is for those fans that know what Pancho Power really is! This is the beef on weck of mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@BillsMafia111 asks, “Can you remember which previous Home Game when you threw up before, during or after the tailgate?”

and then, @MikeZimmersEars asks, “What parking lot venue holds the best pregame/postgame tailgates?”

to which, @MsAFromBK replies, “I know the answer to this one. Hello… it’s @PintoTailgate at @HammersLot 💯”

Great questions, guys! First of all, I trust Ms. A with her taste. She’s a classy lady, that one, so I will go with her answer, as I have never yet been to a Buffalo Bills tailgate, nor have I ever been to a game in Buffalo. Sad, I know. But I want to go. I’m hoping somehow I can make it up this year. We will see. If I do, I plan on seeing you at the Hammer’s Lot, Ms. A!

[Adam grumbles to himself] “Damn, I need a sugar mama or something.”

ANYWAY, In terms of the last time I threw up before, during, or after a game … let me see. I don’t think I’ve ever thrown up because of alcohol during a game, but I have wretched and dry-heaved some because of Bills play at times in the past. Maybe those days are over?

@JackWanderS asks, “Two years ago “defend our dirt” was Sean McDermott’s home motto, and it seemed to work…what should the new home mantra he’s preaching this year be, as they head back to the friendly confines of New Era Field?”

Also, @Crazy4OReilly90 asks, “Do you think McD will put next to the defend our dirt sign “NY’s only Football Team”? Also due to the result of the game will the team be eating Dions Mac N Cheese before every away game? 😂❤️”

Great questions, Jack and Nicole! I do like the idea of “NY’s Only Football Team.” That’s pretty good. And yes, Dion’s Mac n’ Cheese need be a staple. There are conversations about moving him from left tackle to head chef. Brandon Beane has not yet decided.

But in terms of a new, punchy slogan, I think McDermott will be inspired by the National Wildlife Federation and inspire the team by saying,

“[Buffalo] like to live and travel in groups. For most of the year herds are divided by sex, with females and calves in one herd and males in another herd. When the breeding season begins in the summer, many males temporarily join the female herd and begin looking for a mate. Bison communicate by hearing and smell. The most important communication is done with pheromones and smells, especially during reproduction. Bison also grunt, snort, and growl.”

That’ll get the team jazzed up for the game!

@TheBillsBlues asks, “What is proper etiquette for when a Patriots fan tries to come into your Home Sweet Home on #Bills gameday?

1) Let them in and then lock them in basement
2) Use a Powerwasher to repel them from property
3) Rob them
4) Make them admit Pats suck before entry
5) Be Nice?
6) Other?”

Jane Q. Waterbury, in her famous pamphlet from 1611 on etiquette, “Dealing with Patriots Fans, Bitches, and Manish Mehta” said of such guests,

“And lo, when a Patriots fan doth enter thy abode, it is requisite that thou and thy posse do lay hands on him, and verily, thou shalt smash him through a folding table. Yay, if the Patsy doth whimper and cry (as they are wont to do), thou shalt toss him from thy home, but, lo, if he shall show good countenance and be resolute, thou shalt be hospitable, though such cretins shall be last in line for yon Wings. Yay, verily.”

Can’t beat those old-time manners!

@AdamZientek3 asks, “If you could add 1 previous player from any other Bills team in history, who would you choose to join this squad.”

Woof. That’s a tough question. The easy answer is Bruuuuuuce! He’s the greatest Bill ever, I think. But with the popularity of Spiderman and the Marvel Cinematic Universe, I think it would be great from a marketing standpoint to bring back Spiderman, Darryl Talley.

Spiderman, Spiderman, tackles as much as a Spider can …

@BillsMafiaBabes asks, “If you had to make out with one of the Ryan brothers, who would you select and why?”

Hey babes …

Damnit, Babes! You’re ruining the mood. This is tough. Does Ryan Gosling count? … I suppose not. Now that’s a perty man.

So, it’s not just a kiss. We’re making out. Damn. I guess I have to go with Rob? Rex has those giant chompers, and if I’m sucking face, that, well … no. I don’t like the way this is phrased, that I “have to”. I’m wondering what is compelling me to do such a heinous act, which I’m pretty sure is illegal now in Erie County!

According to Local Law 3 amended in the Erie County Charter in 2018, “No person or beast shall have romantic relations of any sort with Rex Ryan or Rob Ryan under penalty of running the gauntlet at Hammer’s Lot to anyone who wants to take a swing.”

You’ll be hearing from my lawyers, babes! … Also, what are you babes doing after the game on Sunday? 😉

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Which makes you cringe more: thinking about how many people have taken shots from the bowling ball or the actual liquor you drink from the holes?”

I … don’t like shots or germs, so … every aspect of this makes me cringe. I don’t think I could do it.

@BruceExclusive asks, “If home is where the heart is, what do you call the place where you’d find one’s small intestine?”

Well, if Buffalo is home and, therefore, the heart, the small intestine would, of course, be in East Rutherford, New Jersey, since we pass through that stadium like split pea soup though a toddler! I think the sphincter would have to be in Foxboro, Massachusetts … I don’t know what it is, but something about that town just makes me think of the word, “asshole”. Finally, if we are being thorough with anatomy, the taint would be all the way down in Miami, Florida. Why is the Dolphins home the taint? Not quite an asshole. Not quite a dick, and like a taint, not many people see them.

I suddenly wish I had one of those old-timey knitted pieces to hang on the wall that depicts this. Maybe I can find it on Etsy …

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Is it worse to get mustard or ketchup in your eye?”

I had an ex-gf who, oddly enough, liked to do this. Not kidding. Mustard is definitely worse in the eye than ketchup … and damn, you can’t get rid of those smells when they get in your hair. I don’t know how Mr. Pinto Ron does it. Respect to that guy.

@MattHenry92 asks, “You get home from a long night road trip and there’s time for one drink what do you make and why?”

So, one drink? I’m going to go with a Kentucky Redhead, which is a drink I like to think I invented, though I am sure I did not. In a bourbon glass, you add some ice then put in two (large) parts of Buffalo Trace whiskey (best whiskey for the price) to one part Vernors ginger ale. Finally, you take a slice of lime, squeeze it, and muddle it in the drink.

Deeeeeeeeeeeelicious.

@BobGiann asks, “In regards to the Bills being tied for first in the division, would you call this the “golden age” of donut chicken sandwiches?”

I don’t know what this means. Sorry. I feel like I’m missing something.


@Walder_Theresa asks, “You’re sitting at Home Sweet Home on Sunday. You’ve got your snacks. You’ve got your drinks. You’re a Bengals fan, you’ve got your Dalton jersey. How worried are you?”

If I’m wearing a Dalton jersey, I have good vibes because I know I’m loved in the town of Buffalo. But certainly, I’m worried … for two reasons.

1.) The Bills defense and pass rush looks legit, and they are going to smash my quarterback a lot. I hear that Captain Insano kid is good.
2.) I don’t know how much of the game I’m going to be spending on the toilet because I’ve already had three helpings of extra spicy skyline chili.

@bobos_toupee asks, “I know we are not supposed to look past this weeks game against the Bengals but what do you think Tom Brady drinks after a hard fought game, Zima or wine spritzers?”

Nice Zima ref. I can’t believe hipsters got that to come back. While Tom does enjoy a nice Zima and wine spritzer from time to time, he needs a hard drink for a hard day, which is why reaches for a man’s drink, the sort of drink someone has when they’ve seen things in life and can’t seem to shake those nightmares about Ed Oliver: the Arbor Mist Peach Sparkle.

@TCBills_Astro asks, “You need a big dog to guard the house when you’re not home. Do you get…
…a Poyer?
…a Hyde?
…a Jaquan?
…a Tremaine?
…a Lorax?”

Ha ha! Great question, as always, Dean! Poyer and Hyde would be amazing together as pooches, but alone, I think they’re not as effective. Jaquan, I feel like, would be a great guard dog, but as a young pup, he’d make a mess, bark too much, and chew up the furniture. I like the Lorax thinking, but no.

Now, a Trumaine would be great for guarding the house. He’s quiet, loyal, and he gigantic, but I think that would be a problem. He’s a little too intimidating. People would be afraid to come over because he might light them up.

No, I’m going to adopt an older dog (which y’all should think about) and name him Frank Gore. He’s not too big, and he’s quiet, and he’s one of those mutts that’s just going to live forever, and when the time comes, he’ll blow you up if he needs to. Gore is the ultimate dog, and he’s got that old dog strength …. just ask #57 from the New Jersey [not so] Giants!

@MsAFromBK asks, “MLB players get walk-up songs at home… 🤔 pick a song for the following plays:

  1. Allen runs or flies in for a TD
  2. Harrison sacks a QB
  3. Poyer catches another INT
  4. Oliver pancakes a Bengal
  5. Hauschka kicks a 50+yd FG

(All things I’d love to see this Sunday!) #GoBills 💯”

Wow! Tough question. OK, here’s what I got:

1.) “I’m like a Bird” by Nelly Furtado
2.) “No Scrubs” by TLC
3.) “Into My Arms” by Nick Cave
4.) “Breakfast in Bed” by Dusty Springfield
5.) “Dead Skin Mask” by Slayer

@FiveSixer asks, “Speaking of “Home Sweet Home”, is Josh Allen more the Vince Neil (flamboyant frontman) or Tommy Lee (hard-driving backbone) of the offense? Who’s Mick Mars and Nikki Sixx?”

Ha ha! Nice, Norb. Motley Crue? Really? I wonder what decade you grew up in …

Anyway, well, Pam Anderson, like all women, loves Josh Allen, so that doesn’t narrow it down. I guess Allen would have to be Vince Neil, since he is the frontman, and a damn good one at that. Mitch Morse, I think, would have to be Tommy Lee. Mitch is underrated sexy, as he has that lumberjack/smells of beef thing that some ladies love. Mick Mars I’m going to give to Zay Jones: does a lot of the work, but doesn’t get enough credit, and finally John “Smokey” Brown is Nikki Sixx because Sixx was the songwriter if I’m not mistaken, and John Brown’s routes are poetry.

@GMaclagen asks, “When the Bills eventually win the Super Bowl (this year, knock on wood), who do you want making the movie and which front office person will be played by Kevin Costner?”

Kevin Costner right after Motley Crue? I feel like I got in a time machine. OK, well, this will be the seminal role for Costner, as he will play EVERY part in the film in an artsy sort of Being John Malkovich way. But he’ll do all of these parts based on characters he played in the past. For example:

Terry Pegula: played like Jonathon Kent in Man of Steel
Brandon Beane: played like Charley Waite from Open Range
Sean McDermott: played like Eliot Ness from The Untouchables
Brian Daboll: played like Frank Farmer from The Bodyguard
Leslie Frazier: played like Robin Hood from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
Kim Pegula: played like Thomas J. Murphy from 3000 Miles to Graceland

Thanks for all the great questions this week! Be sure to give all of these intrepid interrogators a follow on Twitter! Finally, let’s remember to take some time to honor Ezra “Pancho Billa” Castro this week and keep his family in our thoughts and prayers.

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