Buffalo Bills

The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: The Number Two

It’s time for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! This week’s theme: the number two. Why? Because it’s the second week of preseason, you Silly Billy! Before answering any questions this week, I drank a quart and a half of strawberry lemonade vodka I had soaking in a stolen pair of Tom Brady’s used UGG Boots for six months … It tasted like sadness.

This is not your average mailbag. This is the mailbag for the Bills fans that go to the Bar-Bill Tavern and order the hot wings without making a fuss on Twitter! This is for the men and women that refer to the 1986 classic, Flight of the Navigator, as the greatest science fiction movie of all time! This is for the fans that have a ketchup and mustard money shot in their Instagram feed. This is the beef on weck of mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “According to the song, it takes two to make a dream come true. Does that mean single people need not dream?”

Scientifically, yes. Unless, of course, that person has multiple personality disorder. They get to dream a lot. Rex Ryan supposedly had MPS … apparently, he was both an idiot AND an asshole.

@JackWanderS asks, “What current #2 guy or 2nd unit guy on Offense and Defense will show up, ball out and force his way in the starting units.”

I know he’s raw, but I really like Wyatt Teller’s potential. That guy can grade some roads. If he can get better at pass pro, I wouldn’t be shocked to see him push a starter at some point this season. On defense, Kevin Johnson is going to make a run for the second CB spot. Currently, he’s #2 for the #2 CB spot, which is confusing.

@ChefBake1 asks, “Best Football players named after their fathers”

Well, there are so many great options to pick from. Of course, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix was named after his illustrious father, Ha Ha Micro-Dix. And of course, ex-Kentucky Linebacker, Courtney Love, is named after his father, the lead singer of Hole and wife of Kurt Cobain, Dave Grohl.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Among every former #Bills QB not named Jim Kelly, which one would you want running a two-minute drill when you need a TD to win the game?”

Nathan Peterman. It’s easy. Let’s say a team is down six points and there are only 30 seconds left. Peterman, in one pass, can win the game by throwing a pristine out route to … a player on the field, thus winning it for a team.

Good luck in Oakland, AB.

@ConBone6969 asks, “Who’s the biggest piece of shit in the NFL right now?”

You just go right at it, don’t you, Connor. I figure as a Buffalo Bills Insider, you might have some good insight into the league. Some would argue that players like AB, Incognito, Tyreek Hill, or Vontaze Burfict would be the biggest piece of shit in the NFL. But I’m going to go with the OG piece of shit: Roger Goodell. No one tops him as the #1 #2 in the history of the NFL.

Come @ me, Rog.

@TomDC33 asks, “Super Bowl this year or next?”

Trick question. Both, obviously.

@TheBillsBlues asks, “If you could hang out with any 2 former (dead or alive) #Bills players and any 2 current #Bills players (so 4 total, yay math!) who would they be and why?”

Easy. Aaron Gibson, Pat Williams, Cody Ford, and Ty Nsekhe because you can always trust a fat guy to tell you the best places to eat. #NeverTrustSkinnyCooks

@MattHenry92 asks, “What two players who are considered long shots have the best chance of making the 53 man roster?”

Great question! I like Darryl Johnson. Kid is long and disruptive, and I don’t think we can hide him on the practice squad. He’ll be our DE4. I am also a huge VoSean “Thumper” Joseph fan. He’s going to make the team and light up some fools!

But then … I have heard some good things about this Josh Allen kid.

@MsAFromBK asks, “A lot of things come in twos… socks, shoes, mittens… we hardly ever lose shoes, but I’ve lost a sock or two… who’s losing their mitten by the end of preseason? 🍻 🍻 🍻 Signed, Summer Ale. 😂😂😂”

Won’t be a problem. With the power of process, Coach McDermott solved this issue before it became one and attached a string to each mitten that will go through the sleeves and around the back of the players like those mittens you saw in A Christmas Story. #smort

@TCBills_Astro asks, “Two Bills players walk into your bar.
It’s your round to order, but it HAS to be named for a player who’ll be on the PS.

Do you order:

Sills Pils?
McGhin and Tonic?
Fat Tyree Amber Ale?
Mai Tyrel?
Harvey Wallacebanger?
Vo-hito?
Dodson Daiquiri?
Darryl Swizzle?”

Dean. I feel like you should be writing this mailbag … you’re making me look bad, bro. These are all brilliant. I would pick Sills Pils, but I’m not much of a Pilsner guy. Got to go with Fat Tyree. Plus, that’s one big drink, so … that’ll do me.

@MikeZimmersEars asks, “What is the best band ever with ‘Two’ in its name?”

Many think this is an easy one, citing U2, 2 Live Crew, or maybe the B-52s. The answer, of course, is Diarrhea Planet. Actual band. Check out their tune, “Separations”. It’s surprisingly not bad.

@MsAFromBK asks, “Two BOLD Bills predictions for Preseason using two, to & too.

The Buffalo Bills ____ two ____ to_____too_____.
The Buffalo Bills ____ too ____ two_____to_____.”

  1. The Buffalo Bills, in a team-building exercise, will rouse the team at two in the morning and make their way to the home of Bill Belichick. Once there, they will light two paper bags of number two on his porch, ring the doorbell, and hide in the bushes. Unfortunately, when coach Belichick opens the door, his icy demeanor will be too cold, and it will put out the burning bags of Brady without having to hilariously stomp them out. At which point, Josh Allen will peg him in the forehead with a crab apple from 85 yards away. Suddenly, Dick Cheney, wearing a pink teddy, will poke his head out of the front door and ask, “What’s going on out here, Angel Drawers?” Belichick will grumble something incoherent then say, “Go back inside! It’s those damned smurfs again.”
  2. The Buffalo Bills, having too much talent for a single 53-man roster, will be punished by the NFL and have two first-round picks taken from them and given to the Patriots because, according to the league office, “Big Baller Brandon Beane is just too damned good.”

@Buffalo_Trump asks, “I don’t know anything about being #2. I only know winning. Given that FACT, which 2nd largest city in each state with an NFL team is the most tremendous?”

What an honor, Mr. President! I’m moved to be asked such a tremendous question by a President with such big hands … no problem there. Anyway, teams that play in the second largest city in their state are the Browns, the Steelers, and the Dolphins. I guess I’ll go with the Bills true rival, the Miami Dolphins.

I would pick the Bills, but they are the largest city in New York since NYC is basically New Jersey.

@TheBillsBlues asks, “It’s 2am. You’ve been up for 22 hours and you’ve had 2 drinks too many. You need 22 White Castle Burgers stat! Which Bills player do you trust to get you there safely before you pass out?”

Well, a few weeks ago, I would have gone with Eli Harold and Cory “Kumar” Carter … but I can’t do that now, can I?

Unfortunately, this actually happened once, and I made the mistake of choosing Matt Barkley. Barkley was great getting me there, quickly moving in and out of his reads and driving with anticipation. Unfortunately, all he had for money was Bitcoin, which White Castle would not accept. Get with the times, White Castle!

@BillsMafia111 asks, “Gross but you asked for it. Where is the weirdest place you went #2 at a tailgate party in BFLO?”

I’ve actually never been to a tailgate party in Buffalo, sadly. I will hopefully soon remedy this lack, but one time, after watching a Bills vs. Bengals game after imbibing too much Sangria, a strange, otherworldly feeling came over me that I, perhaps, had become a large jungle cat. At which point, I made use of my roommate’s cat’s litter box.

Poor little Paw Paw was taken to the vet the next day. My roommate was quite concerned and shaken by the experience since Paw Paw was just a kitten.

@FiveSixer asks, “Is Ryan Fitzpatrick the 2nd best QB in Bills History? And as far as QBs whose career was spent mainly as the #2 guy, where does Frank Reich rank in terms of best backup QB in league history? #BillsMafia”

The second best QB in Bills history … that’s a tough one. Fitzy has decent numbers, but was he more important or better than Flutie? Did Fitzy have flakes? I don’t think so.

In terms of career backups, the argument has to be between Jeff Hostetler and Frank Reich, right? Also, growing up, did anyone else ever wonder if maybe Hostetler was just Frank Reich with a fake mustache? I kind of did. So, I’m going to go with Frank J. Reichstetler: best backup QB of all time.

@StephieTweets asks, “Are the Buffalo Bills turning into the Buffalo Panthers?”

Are we talking about an Island of Dr. Moreau situation here, like some sort of Buffalo Panther hybrid? Now that’s an idea … the speed of a panther, the strength of a Buffalo, and the size of a Kaiju (Trumaine Edmunds). I feel like this would made a really dope tee shirt idea for Del Reid. Just saying …

But no, I don’t think that sort of DNA experimentation is legal, nor do I think the science has come far enough to make that happen, but great question Stephie!

Thanks, Bills Mafia! Make sure and give all of these great interrogators a follow! They’re all worth it!

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