Buffalo Bills

The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag: Firsts

It's that time again, #BillsMafia! It's time for the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! And since this is the first week of preseason for our beloved Bills, our theme this week is FIRSTS. Before answering any questions this morning, I had myself a beer ... and the beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad, so I had one more for dessert. (I just came up with that.)

This is not your average Buffalo Bills Mailbag. This is the mailbag for the fans that will eat a garbage plate knowing full well that they have a five-hour drive later that day with their loved ones and all of the car windows seem to be malfunctioning. This is the mailbag for the men and women that walked down the matrimonial aisle to “Let’s Go, Buffalo!” This is for Sweeney’s Weenies who know Tommy is about to take this league by storm! This is the beef on weck of mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@MsAFromBK asks, “On the offense the Bills, at times, get themselves into sticky situations… if Josh Allen is in trouble, who do you think will be his FIRST responder?”

Cody Ford may in fact be a “gentle sexy caveman” as @Conbone6969 puts it … but he’s not going to let anything bad happen to Josh Allen. It’s not out of loyalty. He was sent back by Coach McDermott from the future and programmed to protect Allen at all costs. Coaches say he’s smart. It certainly helps that his CPU is a neural net processor, a learning computer.

@CMunes13 asks, “What was the first Bills’ jersey you got and why?”

This was hard to remember, but I believe my first jersey was a blue #7 Doug Flutie jersey. I still have it, though the numbers and name have mainly worn off. I’m pretty short, and I used to play football every weekend with my buddies as a very subpar quarterback (like a better version of Trent Edwards), so Flutie was always my guy.

I spent years in therapy after Wade replaced Flutie with Rob “check out my headband, bruh” Johnson. I sometimes still see that damned headband in my nightmares …

@TCBILLS_Astro asks, “Which of my true loves from recent drafts —Horrible Harry, Cam Phillips, Nick Easley— will make a name for himself on Thursday night?”

Nick Easley could be your guy, but Cam Phillips really come to play in Horrible Harry situations? Duke Williams and his cohort stand a chance of making the team, or are they just being Sills, y’all? I’ll be Bolden my take! Harold will never Neal, and he won’t play like a Dodson. Losing is the Pitts, but I’m a Teller of truths! Wyatt needs to be said.

@MsAFromBK asks, “Roberta Flack sang one of the beautiful songs about firsts… ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face’ … who on the Bills is singing this song in their head and to whom?”

Harrison Phillips and Ed Oliver both have this song playing in their head as they play in the trenches. At first, there was tension, a will they won’t they situation like Ross and Rachel early in the series, but soon, they began to work on their wrestling techniques together in their off-hours.

Supposedly, Ang Lee has put together a Hollywood treatment based on this training camp with the working title, “Big Men. Bigger Hearts.”

@JackWanderS asks, “When will be the first time we get to see Mitch Morse healthy, in a game situation and the first time we get to see the complete healthy #1 line”

Morse will be ready for week 1. After the last week of preseason, Vlad Ducasse will introduce offensive line coach Bobby Johnson to the healing powers of crystals, and the line of Dawkins, Spain, Morse, Ford, and Nsekhe will play together for the entire season having given up zero sacks and leading the way for three 1,000 yard rushers in McCoy, Gore, and Singletary.

Crystals, bro. Crystals.

@StephieTweets asks, “What was the first Bills game you ever attended?”

Sadly, Stephie, I have never attended a Bills game. That is a sad fact, indeed, and one I hope to remedy soon. I watch games on my projector in my living room, mainly. Why? Cause that is Adam time. And in that time, I am not to be disturbed. I don’t care if Rosario Dawson came to visit. She’s going to need to wait until the game and I reach completion … that came out wrong.

@DrowningPool86 asks, “How did you feel the first time you went to @HammersLot”

Does Hammers Lot sound like a sort of fantasy video game to anyone else? Actually, man, I have never been to Hammers Lot or any other Bills lot for that matter. One of these days, I will. One of these days …

[Adam turns to his window and looks off into the distance with a twinkle in his eye]

ADAM: “Somewhere out there, if love can see us through!
Then we’ll be together somewhere out there,
Out where dreams come true!”

@RichardBuffalo2 asks, “First beer? 🍺”

Hi Richard. Well, my first beer, I believe was a Bell’s Oberon … but it’s been a while. Wasn’t really a beer fan when I was young, but my first alcohol was tequila when I was 14 or so. Suffice to say, I didn’t drink tequila again for another 15 years.

Tequila makes me dance, and no one wants to see that.

@TheBillsBlues asks, “Jordan Poyer’s contract is up at the end of 2020 and Micah Hyde’s is up at the end of 2021. Which player’s contract should Brandon Beane work on FIRST.”

Poyer should have his contract addressed first. No doubt. He’s earned it. But Hyde’s agent, Bob Jekyll, who has never been seen with Micah at the same time and the same place, for some reason, is, from what I hear, not someone you want to get angry.

@TheBillsBlues asks, “Follow up: Based on this video, which #Bills player is finishing FIRST in a drunken dance-off.”


Darryl Johnson is the obvious choice. He’s a big man, to be sure, but he’s nimble on his feet, and he’s been mastering the electric slide around offensive tackles all offseason. Leslie Frazier has even begun to consider getting Johnson lit before games … what he calls a “pregame” to keep Darryl loose and bring on the juice.

@FiveSixer asks, “Plain and simple…who scores the first TD of the regular season, and what does the endzone celly look like?”

@DaveAllenWriter asks, “Which player on the Bills’ defense will be the first to score a touchdown this year?”

These are both great questions, but the answer is the same. Well, let’s see … the Bills play the Jets first, and Darnold likes throwing to opposing jerseys like Quinton Spain loves a party platter.

Adam Gase, who did NOT drop acid before his Jets introductory press conference … he didn’t, ok? He will kidnap Hyde and Poyer before the game. Instead of playing backups, McDermott will put himself into the lineup: no pads, just a cap and a shirt that is two sizes too small.

On the first play, Darnold will attempt a screen, but McDermott, knowing how the process works, will jump the pass, sprint past the remaining Jets and waltz into the endzone. Celebration? No celebration. He will hand the ball to the referee like he’s been there before, and this will spark a 19-0 season. McDermott will remain on the depth chart for the rest of the season but will not need to put himself back in.

@TCBILLS_Astro asks, “Which of the Seven Deadly Sins do you FIRST think of for first stringers of your choice?”

Pride: After breaking the single-season sack record with 23 in 2019, Ed Oliver will struggle with pride, but he will take a sabbatical to the Himalayas following the season and ground himself again when he trains with the league of shadows (not the Patriots … a different organization).

Envy: Poyer and Hyde both struggle with this. Poyer gets a pick and Hyde becomes envious. Hyde gets an interception, and Poyer turns green in the face. Some think it’s unhealthy, this duo’s need to outdo each other. Mainly opposing quarterbacks think it’s unhealthy,

Gluttony: Devin Singletary falls prey to the sin that does so easily beset him: gluttony. He just can’t stop getting the ball and running it into the endzone, even when he doesn’t need to. In week four, when the Bills are up 53 points to the New England Patriots with only four seconds left, Singletary could just run out the clock, but, instead, he will run for 98 yards to paydirt on the final play to complete a 60 point victory in Buffalo. He’s tried therapy, medications, and spirituality, but nothing seems to help.

Lust: Well … all 21 other starters when they see Josh Allen in shorts. But that sort of goes without saying.

Anger: Cole Beasley, not usually given to anger, will snap by week one. All of McCoy’s short jokes and small feet jokes will trigger buried memories of Beasley being teased as a child. During week one, he will catch a two-yard pass and be greeted by the poor, sweet, and helpless defensive rookie, Quinnen Williams, who Beasley will mercilessly truck on his way to the endzone. Anger is an ugly thing, kids.

Greed: Robert Foster has not shown out well this offseason, but that won’t stop him from being greedy. Every play this season, he’ll want the ball, and Josh Allen, diplomat that he is, will accommodate him. It’s a tragic thing to see a man suffer from his vices as he averages 30 yards per reception and finishes the season with 18 touchdowns and 1,600 yards! Keep him in your prayers.

Sloth: Star Lutolelei battles the sin of sloth so much that, not only does he not move, but he can’t even be moved by two opposing lineman. The man has a problem!

Thanks for all the great questions, Bills Mafia! Make sure and give these people a follow, and let’s go whip up on Indianapolis on Thursday!

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